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#1 Inflammable Jim

Inflammable Jim

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Posted 29 May 2005 - 08:23 PM

Below is the attempt at theatrical drama between myself and garrett, written out on the glorious cultural switchboard that is MSN in about an hour. I feel you should share the pain. Or something <_<

If any of you are similarly bothered to do this, I've achieved something.
You know...we lost the first battle of the Chesapeake because of a mysterious...treacherous...Ankylosaurus

#2 Inflammable Jim

Inflammable Jim

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Posted 29 May 2005 - 08:25 PM

Underling :   El Presidente!
Presidente:  Where?
                   *looks around desperately*
Underling:    Not to worry El Presidente, we killed all the rioters hours ago, remember?
                You passed out after a drinking binge
Presidente:  Ah good, then spit-roasted their corpses, yes?
Underling:    Well, obviously signor . . . but the chief of police was cruelly slain
                     They crucified him in fact. The churchmen are denying any link whatsoever, yet                                                                                                                                                                                                
                      say they are not responsible when the flock goes astray, for they are benevolent
                    Unfortunate mi Presidente. Guevara and Castro have promised troops though
Presidente:  Yes, Guevera needs dealing with
Underling:    Well, sir, if you heard me correctly, he’s helping us, Yes?
                     *fetches boot polish*
Presidente:  I'll have you know I just elected a donkey to head of the senate
Underling:    Really sir? Was he your favourite?
Presidente:  I can bloody ally against Guevera if I wish! And yes, he was called Flopsy.
Underling:    May I also take the opportunity sir, to make a comparison with Nero
Presidente:  Only a favourable one
Underling:    Well . . . Actually I'd better shut up. Cigar, sir? Fidel flew them in on the DC3
Presidente:  Tah
Underling:    Light sir?
Presidente:  Made with the blood of our countrymen, I trust, and yes, thanks
Underling:    Well yes, and the sweat.
Presidente:   Not to mention toil
Underling:    They say there are around a hundred a gallons of sweat in every box
                      Literally, little bastards
Presidente:   Ah, that explains their ...er...unique aroma
Underling:     We burnt down the last tobacco factory that was putting bull semen in your  
                      Tropican finest. This pleases you?
Presidente:   No
Underling:     No!? Why ever not sir?
Presidente:  There is not enough Bull semen in this country's cigar
                      For was not the great revolutionary leader
                      - may his deposed soul be blessed with many lives -
                      A great proponent of..
Underling:     Sir, we are a catholic nation . . . There would be uproar.
                      The bishop called by the way
Presidente:   oh, yes?
Underling:      He said something about "I've got the photos now, and I'm taking them to the
                       Papal Nuncio". I hadn't a clue what he was on about
Presidente:    Ah good
Underling:      Should I be worried Signor?
Presidente:    Instruct Inquisitor Gringo to turn down the heat.
                       In those exact words
Underling:      Really? Why those "exact" words mi presidente?
                       Oh, and another thing
Presidente:    Yes?
Underling:      The Gas company have said they need to drill for new reserves post haste
                  There's been an unusually high drain on reserves
                  They can't tell where its coming from
                  Given that our population hasn't grown in 30 years
Presidente:     Ah well, they paid all above board, I trust
                   Diamonds in a paper bag, that sort of thing
Underling:       Well, they mentioned something about an attaché case
                   And nuclear launch codes
                   Again, I was bamboozled
Presidente:    Ah yes, well the gas....is needed for.....reasons
Underling:      You leave me in the dark too often Presidente
Presidente:    And the codes…well just direct them to the abandoned mineshaft.
                     alert the hitmen
Underling:   Can I ask something?
Presidente:  Yes you may
Underling:    Well . . .First of all
                    The Hitmen are currently touring Eastern Europe looking for Colonel Sanders (a registered trademark of KFC) that chap you usurped power from back in 1967
Secondly, stop signing the gulags off as a business expense, Presidente. The press is beginning to sniff around
Presidente:  Well then, all the gulags are renamed Happy camps henceforth
Underling:   Tell me sir . . . what takes place there?
Presidente:  Well mainly, we play boggle, the odd game of scrabble, that sort of thing
                And the torturing of innocents as well
Underling:    Sir, I feel you are being faecet . . .Wha!?
                The innocents you say?
Presidente:  Well innocent only of not being guilty
Underling;   Oh and a telegram has come through
               Gas Company says they're officially out
Presidente:  Ah, damn
Underling:   They ain't got squat
                Well "diddly squat" if I'm to quote the Yankie fat cat I was directed to
Presidente:  Ah well, fetch the ex-head of the Gas board
                Just his head
Underling:   The one we keep in a jar of pickles?
                Oh . . . that was the ex-ex head. You mean the ex head? I’ve got men on it
Presidente:  good
Underling:   Oh, and Esmerelda called
Presidente: Hmm…and as for future reserves..., who's running Iraq these days
                    What?? Esme??
Underling:   She says she's "sick and tired of you not supporting your little secret and that she's going to the papers". Again, I’m in the dark here.
Presidente:   My dearest bunny-wunny? Left me?
Underling:    She referred to you as a blood sucking bastard.
                     But yes, your bunny-wunny has left
Presidente:   I shall have to have her placed in the darkened room where the gas board heads meet. How much space we got left in there?
Underling:    Well, after the abortive coup of 1978 . . . and the strikes of 1984  . . . we've got one more space before we have to fumigate. Again.
Presidente:  Ah, damn government labour
Underling:    Mi Presidente, if I may, we could have solved this problem with Stalinism
                You insisted on benevolence though. Such as sparing the children
                Which was really, quite preposterous
Presidente:  by the way, remind me, what did we do with the last stalinist, you know, Trotsky?
Underling:    Well he was actually a Trostkyite……
Presidente:  We gave his address to the real Stalin, didn't we
Underling:    Well yes. But that was only because well . . .
                    We happened to have intelligence in Mehico?
                And wanted to cement relations with the USSR?
Presidente:  More or less, more or less
Underling:    Actually Stalin was quite angry about it. Mentioned something about skull fucking
                     Trotsky's wife and feeding the children to the alsatians
Presidente:  Ah yes, well he's dead now
Underling:    Indeed. 1954
Presidente:  Well the country needs a new ally, and I propose the Cypriots
Underling:    The cypriots? What can they offer us Presidente?
Presidente:  Both greek and Turkish food. Oh, and olivio. It is the secret of everlasting life
Underling:    Well sir, we already have Abbaseens on Via Nuevo for that
                Oh wait . . .
                We didn't shoot him did we? I forget. It gets busy around Easter.
                They all go fucking bananas
Presidente:  Hell, everyone born before me is dead, use it as a rough guide
Underling:    Hmmm . . .He’s dead then. Shame.
                     He did a nice curry. Did have an illegal arms dump though.
                     And he was threatening to begin a Turkish empire in the Caribbean
Presidente:  And I think we should re-introduce the death penalty for these people "fucking
                     bananas" as you say
Underling:    Unfortunate….but yes, we will re-implement the re-education programme. The re-education programme . . . with compulsory capital punishment
                If I may Presidente: Mwuhahahahaha!
Presidente:  Indeed. Mwuhahas all round
Underling:    Presidente, its the hotline from Washington for you
Presidente:  Oh God. How’s my hair?
Underling:    Well, you have none . . . sir
                    Toupeé? We have many
Presidente:  Yes, the Nixon, if you would
Underling:   *hands Nixon* Remember, no “peace signs”. You got laughed out of the UN the last time. Remember?
Presidente:  Bah, but who's laughing now? Eh??
Underling:    Well, we had to nuke Antigua before they’d listen
Presidente:  Yes, a pity
Underling:    I had cousins in Antigua. Still, their loss.
Presidente:  Ah well, ho hum. Still, comrade, sit down, I wish to talk. I know you do not wish for me to die, do you
Underling:    Of course! Presidente, you are like my father and mother rolled up into an alpha male package. Yes.
Presidente:  Because, comrade...what is your name comrade?
Underling:    And my name? Rodriguez.
I've been your Chief of Staff for 45 years
Remember me?
Presidente:   Marginally
Rodriguez:    I've got a name tag
And pretty rank colours
Presidente:   And I have a piranha tank, so quiet down a few seconds
Rodriguez:    Sorry!
Presidente:   Comrade Rodriguez, I wish for you to take over when I am gone
Rodriguez:    Really? Like Raul Castro? I am honoured!
*Moves to kiss presidente’s sacred feet*
Presidente:   I know it will not be soon, as I possess the secret of Olivio
But you have shown admirable maliciousness and spite…
Rodriguez:    Really? I feel  . . . uncharacteristically emotional
Presidente:   And your disregard for human life that borders on the homicidal
Rodriguez:    Well I prefer "genocidal"
But Presidente any compliment from you is that of God and his chorus of angels
Presidente:   Yes, yes, of course. But you are like a son to me
Rodriguez:    And indeed Presidente, you are the father I never had nor wanted
And still don't
Presidente:   A ruthlessly evil bastard son, but the best hope this country has for it's future
Rodriguez:    Remember Tortuga? I burned down every last Tenement building? Simultaneously? With everyone sleeping inside? Children and all?
Presidente:    Yes, that must have been an impressive timing set-up you had there
Rodriguez:      Well, I had the help of an explosives expert and a hippy. They are both dead now.
Anyway sir, the hotline! Washington is waiting!
Presidente:    Just a minute
Rodriguez:     *re adjusts the Nixon*
Presidente:     And I wish for you to know that when I am gone, you shall face many insurrections
Not least from me, as I will not be dead when the time comes for me to step down
Rodriguez:  Really? You’ll be there to oppose me?
That Olivio isn’t worth the tin it’s plopped in. Marlon Brando should know…
Presidente:  But you shall overcome
The hows, wherefores and whys matter not, it will happen
It will all come to pass
But now we must face the press
Rodriguez:   Indeed. Shall I prepare execution square? And the shotgun? The one you received from Saddam? Along with the tea set
Presidente:    Hmm, 'tis rather hard to execute over a videolink, methinks
Rodriguez:    Well, we could have you facing the crowd, and discharging rounds.
Presidente: Arrange a photogenic child to be near the front, would you
Rodriguez:   It’s all good, Presidente. Wait a minute *Sniffs*
Sir? Do you smell something?
Natural Gas? From the basement?
Presidente:   Aaaaaaaaach
Rodriguez:   What is it, mi presidente?!
Presidente:   It burns my throat
Save me rodriguez
Rodriguez: *gives mouth to mouth*
Come outside Presidente *cough*
Outside . . . *cough* *Opens doors to veranda*
Presidente: *Coughs, splutters too*
Rodriguez:  Presidente, tell me, what have you done now? Oh and you look most pale, may I add
Presidente: *Croaks* You know that gas board head?
Rodriguez: Yes?
Presidente: The one that is linked to the mafia?
Rodriguez: Yes?
Presidente: Well, it appears they intercepted our hitmen
Rodriguez: Really? Which one? 47 was very successful…Couldn't have been him
Presidente: And prepared a most *Cough* Ironic return
Rodriguez: What was this irony then? I always found it was the lowest form of wit
And you specialised in sarcasm! Which is a true artform!
Presidente: Aah, to kill me with my own killing gas. That is low indeed.
Rodriguez: I have saved you now Mi Presidente. We are safe on this balcony . .. Of open air . . . and…What's that? In the air? Bird? Plane? Superman?
Presidente: F17, I think…
Rodriguez: American Planes in our airspace?
Presidente: Oh dear God, I didn't phone George Bush drunk last night, did I?
Rodriguez: No. We had the phone disconnected after the incident in ‘96
Presidente: Ah yes
Rodriguez: He threatened to eat you?
Presidente: Most unfortunate
Rodriguez: Indeed
Presidente: Luckily his next food...did not agree with him
Rodriguez: Well, sir the coroner would disagree . . .No foul play at all. None at all.
Presidente: Exactly
Rodriguez: And that only cost 20 pesos - Best deal we ever made
Presidente: Yes, an easily bribeable coroner is your best friend. Another lesson for you, Rodriguez
Rodriguez: Anyway sir . . . my God . . . DUCK!
*explosions in the distance*
Presidente: *DUCKS*
*an entire street is blown to pieces*
*wood and debris rise up in great big swirling clouds of black dust*
Presidente: Aaaah, what now
Rodriguez: Those Americans . . . wait. Do you hear that too? A low droning noise?
It’s like the Bay of Pigs. Only this time with bigger guns
Does that . . .This is from my scant training at the military academy now mind . . .
But does that sound like . . .A low flying B 52? Capable of dropping . . .The Daisy Cutter?
Presidente: Ah crappedy crap crap crap
Rodriguez: That leaves a quarter mile blast crater? And up to a mile of destruction?
Presidente: I knew I shouldn't have worn the Nixon…Quick, get me the Kennedy
Rodriguez: I did tell you…
Presidente: The toupee dammit, there isn't much time
Rodriguez: Here, the Kennedy!
Presidente: *Catches*
Rodriguez: Quickly sir! And "Ich Bin ein Tropican"! And the Catholic spiel That'll work!
Presidente: Ah yes.
Do onto others as you would bloody well please etc.
Rodriguez: Oh yes. And don’t forget a hardline stance on abortion and philandering
And generally any human activity that isn't praying or fasting.
Presidente: Only I should carry them out, yes?
Rodriguez: Yes, for you are incorruptible
And thus, cannot be tainted, even by sin
Presidente: Thank god
*Bets GNP on horses*
Rodriguez: Sir
Our GNP is 500 pesos, or 2 American Dollars
That's not going to get you far
Presidente: Ah well, bet it anyway. Damn WTO
Rodriguez: Those bastards. Free trade my ass.
Sir, we have a telegram from the White House. It reads:
Presidente: Yes?
Rodriguez: Dubya - calling presidente, Dubya - calling presidente, I've had enough of your Anti-americanising, and communisiation of what could be another GAP sweat shop base
So, I'm sending in the Special ops
Have a nice day
See you in Hell
He sounds nice
Presidente: Tell them no matter what, they will never defeat this proud noble nation
And prepare the escape copter
Rodriguez: And sir, we don't have helicopters
We have a propellor plane though
Presidente: Prepare the escape plane, then
Rodriguez: It’s quite fetching – a DC3.
Gassed up and ready to go.
Where to, Presidente?
Presidente: Venezuela
Rodiguez: Venezuela!?
It’s owned by Shell. Norwegian pricks.
Presidente: I have some friends in the rebel held territories. You have a better suggestion?
Rodriguez: We can escape in to Colombia.
They do coffee
And the nuns prostitute themselves
It’s all good
Presidente: Well yes, quite
off we go.............
Rodriguez: NOOOOO!
Presidente: *Duck*
Rodriguez: *The daisy cutter is dropped and descends rapidly, upon impact the massive bomb with a kiloton equivalent of Hiroshima rips up the presidential compound and leaves a charred, gaping injury in the earth’s crust*
*All is vaporised for  quarter mile*
Presidente: Aaaach, that stung
Rodriguez: *Cough*….Presidente…*Cough*
I think we’re done for
Presidente: *coughs blood*
Rodriguez: *Splutter*
Presidente: *Scarpers*
Presidente: I'll stay behind this tree.....
Rodriguez: Presidente . . .*Crawls to American medic*
I’m defecting
Presidente: Bastard
Rodriguez: psst, he's behind the tree
*The American soldiers let rip with a barrage of M60 fire*
*riddling the corpse of the fallen despot with lead*
*he dies fixing his toupee*
*Image of face is imprinted on Shroud, Che-like, forever to grace the T-shirts of people who know nothing*
Narrator: Later at the UN . . .
Kofi Annan: What has happened on the last communist regime in the whole Caribbean: Tropico, has been nothing short of tremendous
We hope to pass resolutions, and write angry letters
Yes, America, Hans Blix is sooo pissed off!
France: Don't you think that's a bit much?
Kofi: Well we could always SURRENDER, couldn't we, like CERTAIN folk
France: Fair enough
Germany: Ja, could always do that! That's it, we take France once more! This is for 1945!
*world descends into Anarchy
Britain: What the bladdy hell is going on here?
*Resurrects empire*
*the UN sends out angry letters*
*Ireland fights back. And the Irish fleet (of Massey Fergusons) was dispatched to the North post haste *
*This time, it’s personal*
Zen Monk: Ah, history repeats
Narrator: And so, the game ended . . .
Brought to you by:
Inflammable Jim - Presidente, France, Britain, Zen Monk
Garretsdthief4me- Rodriguez, Special forces, The USA, the German Rep, Kofi Annan and the Irish

You know...we lost the first battle of the Chesapeake because of a mysterious...treacherous...Ankylosaurus

#3 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 29 May 2005 - 09:10 PM

Hehe, very good.

Though it just reminds me about what made the live mysteries so great.

#4 Hey Kidz

Hey Kidz


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Posted 29 May 2005 - 09:20 PM

Yeah they were hardcore to the max or something ¬_¬

#5 Inflammable Jim

Inflammable Jim

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:34 AM

Thanks. Glad you liked it.
How did the Live Marple Mysteries work then? Although the answer is probably sickeningly obvious. Or just sickening.
You know...we lost the first battle of the Chesapeake because of a mysterious...treacherous...Ankylosaurus

#6 Josh


    Evil bird

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:10 AM


Basically, we all demobbed to IRC then shouted at each other in a vaguely unstructured way until the funny happened. They... don't appear to be around any more.
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#7 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:12 AM

I think I need to update paths to the database for the 4M archive. I've got some lying around on my computer though. One second.

#8 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

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Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:16 AM

[Bare in mind that with IRC it's impossible to tell if someone else is writing]


* Miss-Marple and Kidz are in a bakery*

mmm I'd like one of those cakes
Hmmm I fancy a pie...
One pie...
Mmmmmm pie
anything else?
what about that flan
I'll have a... flan!
the flan...?
two flans
* Baker reaches for the flans
oooh two flans
*the lights go out*
Suddenly a man rushes in shoots the baker and steals the flans

ah ha!
*The Baker screams, the lights come on and...*

what happened??
Oh no!
The Baker is dead!
And the flans...
I was just standing here eyeing up that flan...
they've gone!
we must find this fiend

i think this is a job for
marple 'n' kidz
ah officer
ello ello ello whos been killed today?
the baker
i see
but nevermind that
his flans have been stolen
looks like a pistol shot
but the flans!
This may be the work of...
or maybe schoolkids
look here comes Jan, maybe he can help
not the phantom flan basher!
I said MAYBE, but probably
it is
I thought he was just a myth
I think we need to pay a visit to...
no, we have records of him bashing people with flans going back ages...
obviously not
*dum dum dum*
he aint a Viking
but he ran out of flans, thus ex- oh, they've buggered off
well they say
they say what?

that he is the ghost of a plump Viking
* Janek walks along to the OLD VIKING GRAVE YARD for no apparent reason. He looks confused.
lets go
*they arrive from the grave yard*
You be not from 'round 'ere?
arrrgh a hairy grave digger
can I do the stiffy joke?
(censored - kidzed)
*Gravedigger looks worried of the new arrivals*

gravedigger have you seen any vikings?
or flan carrying psychopaths?
but I did see a man in a coat going that way!
* Kidz sees a coat swoop behind a grave
Hmm. A coat. Notorious for carrying flans.
* Gravedigger points to the Scaryscary Crypt
to the scaryscary crypt
* Janek fears nothing! Ahahaha! Except spiders.
*they go*
*Gravedigger goes about his business as the group walk off*
ARGH! Movie/Comic/Marple crossover!
* Gravedigger Mystery_coat_wearing_Person

there he is
he's carrying a spider
who? where?
not the phantom flan basher?
behind that undead skeleton
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person looks around at the intruders

after him!
out the way boney
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person pulls out a sock full of beans
* Skeleton colapses
* Miss-Marple pushes skeleton to ground

* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person makes a break for the door
* Kidz pulls out magnet
not so fast... COATY!
well done kidz
his change is dragging him towards us

* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person loses his coat in the tussle
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person is really...
* Janek gasps

Dont stop me!
* Mr_Day files nails, than gasps for effect.
(sorry, couldn't resis again.)
can we have our flans Mr Gravedigger
They sacked me after i started stealing wheelbarrows
I dont have your flans
then who does!
who does then?
* Disgruntled_Gravedigger 's 'flans' turn out to be semtex
I was gonna blow the graveyard sky high
then what about the flans that were stolen from The Baker
What flans?
*at that moment VIKING break out of the walls*

ah ha
You mean the man with the cape, weird laugh, briefcase of flans and a poodle that went that way?
years of being undead have given us pasty deprivation
I shall fight you viking leader if that is your real name
for flans!
Viking Leader, shouldn't you be speaking Norwegian?
what flans
the flans you stole
i only stole danish pastry

they it must be!
its the flan basher!
I fooled you with the angry gravedigger ploy!
* Flan_Basher runs away into the night
and the viking ploy
get on my spoon!
* Miss-Marple mounts kidz' spoon
* Janek "mounts" Kidz' "Spoon"
my over use of exclaimation will keep us in flight
* Flan_Basher leaps into a plughole and escapes down a waterpipe
*they speed off after the flan basher
*they jump off the spoon
* Flan_Basher is thrown out somewhere on the coast
look there he is!
in that pile of seaweed
*on the beach*
* Flan_Basher is seen
he's in that sand castle fort!
damn him!
*The Flan Man gets into a dinghy and tries to escape to France*
fort sand stone - the weakest fort in britain
ah nows he's running away with our flans
* Kidz gets out medieval sige equipment

* International_Ferry gets in the way*
damn not a chance to use this
quickly after the dingy
*dingy bursts*
* Miss-Marple and Kidz start swimming to rescue the flans
* Flan_Basher abandons ship
* Miss-Marple grabs the flans and swims back to safety
* Janek points out that a dinghy isn't a ship. Stands on the beach. Looks dejected.
* Kidz grabs the flan basher
* Flan_Basher grabs Marple's foot, then puts on scuba gear and metal shoes, pulling them both to the bottom
* International_Ferry sinks, after hitting a UFO disguised as an iceberg.
* Kidz asails fort sand stone anyway
* Kidz jumps in
glug glug
*the two are pulled down by the iron boots*
what do you call an old person in the sea
a zimmer
* Janek also jumps in, causing a tsunami in Japan two days later.
* Kid_Funky_Fried force feeds Janek an Irish, Jonnie Onion Approved Dictionary.
*drum roll*
* Kidz grabs marples hand
* Flan_Basher is glad he couldnt hear that joke
* Flan_Basher pulls a harpoon
take my hand!
I'm drowning
* Miss-Marple grabs Kidz
* Flan_Basher fires the harpoon
here take this handy scuba gear
* Miss-Marple removes hip and throws it at Flan Basher
* Kidz stops harpoon with his teeth
the hip hits flan basher and he sinks to the bottom of the sea where he drowns
but who was he
* Flan_Basher still has his airtank
* Flan_Basher runs the rest of the way to the coast
* Kidz grabs the flan basher and removes his mask
* Janek gasps
the flan basher is....
[OOC: can we wrap this up. I need to get some work done]
[ooc me too]
* Flan_Basher pulls off Jackal mask
but where have all the flans gone now
Im THE Flan Basher damn you!
[OOC: Not me. Just wanted to join the crowd]
well I ate them...
The flans are in Zurich
they were Splans!
they were so tasty
*marple let out a belch*
* Miss-Marple wants more flans
i'll send you to zurich

* Kidz puts the flan basher on a plane

* Flan_Basher runs away (slowly) along the sea bed
So Marple and Kidz go to Zurich where they eat lots of flans and eventually get married to a penguin