Posted 29 May 2005 - 08:23 PM
If any of you are similarly bothered to do this, I've achieved something.
Posted 29 May 2005 - 08:25 PM
*looks around desperately*
Underling: Not to worry El Presidente, we killed all the rioters hours ago, remember?
You passed out after a drinking binge
Presidente: Ah good, then spit-roasted their corpses, yes?
Underling: Well, obviously signor . . . but the chief of police was cruelly slain
They crucified him in fact. The churchmen are denying any link whatsoever, yet
say they are not responsible when the flock goes astray, for they are benevolent
Unfortunate mi Presidente. Guevara and Castro have promised troops though
Presidente: Yes, Guevera needs dealing with
Underling: Well, sir, if you heard me correctly, he’s helping us, Yes?
*fetches boot polish*
Presidente: I'll have you know I just elected a donkey to head of the senate
Underling: Really sir? Was he your favourite?
Presidente: I can bloody ally against Guevera if I wish! And yes, he was called Flopsy.
Underling: May I also take the opportunity sir, to make a comparison with Nero
Presidente: Only a favourable one
Underling: Well . . . Actually I'd better shut up. Cigar, sir? Fidel flew them in on the DC3
Underling: Light sir?
Presidente: Made with the blood of our countrymen, I trust, and yes, thanks
Underling: Well yes, and the sweat.
Presidente: Not to mention toil
Underling: They say there are around a hundred a gallons of sweat in every box
Literally, little bastards
Presidente: Ah, that explains their ...er...unique aroma
Underling: We burnt down the last tobacco factory that was putting bull semen in your
Tropican finest. This pleases you?
Underling: No!? Why ever not sir?
Presidente: There is not enough Bull semen in this country's cigar
For was not the great revolutionary leader
- may his deposed soul be blessed with many lives -
A great proponent of..
Underling: Sir, we are a catholic nation . . . There would be uproar.
The bishop called by the way
Presidente: oh, yes?
Underling: He said something about "I've got the photos now, and I'm taking them to the
Papal Nuncio". I hadn't a clue what he was on about
Presidente: Ah good
Underling: Should I be worried Signor?
Presidente: Instruct Inquisitor Gringo to turn down the heat.
In those exact words
Underling: Really? Why those "exact" words mi presidente?
Oh, and another thing
Underling: The Gas company have said they need to drill for new reserves post haste
There's been an unusually high drain on reserves
They can't tell where its coming from
Given that our population hasn't grown in 30 years
Presidente: Ah well, they paid all above board, I trust
Diamonds in a paper bag, that sort of thing
Underling: Well, they mentioned something about an attaché case
And nuclear launch codes
Again, I was bamboozled
Presidente: Ah yes, well the gas....is needed for.....reasons
Underling: You leave me in the dark too often Presidente
Presidente: And the codes…well just direct them to the abandoned mineshaft.
alert the hitmen
Underling: Can I ask something?
Presidente: Yes you may
Underling: Well . . .First of all
The Hitmen are currently touring Eastern Europe looking for Colonel Sanders (a registered trademark of KFC) that chap you usurped power from back in 1967
Secondly, stop signing the gulags off as a business expense, Presidente. The press is beginning to sniff around
Presidente: Well then, all the gulags are renamed Happy camps henceforth
Underling: Tell me sir . . . what takes place there?
Presidente: Well mainly, we play boggle, the odd game of scrabble, that sort of thing
And the torturing of innocents as well
Underling: Sir, I feel you are being faecet . . .Wha!?
The innocents you say?
Presidente: Well innocent only of not being guilty
Underling; Oh and a telegram has come through
Gas Company says they're officially out
Presidente: Ah, damn
Underling: They ain't got squat
Well "diddly squat" if I'm to quote the Yankie fat cat I was directed to
Presidente: Ah well, fetch the ex-head of the Gas board
Just his head
Underling: The one we keep in a jar of pickles?
Oh . . . that was the ex-ex head. You mean the ex head? I’ve got men on it
Underling: Oh, and Esmerelda called
Presidente: Hmm…and as for future reserves..., who's running Iraq these days
Underling: She says she's "sick and tired of you not supporting your little secret and that she's going to the papers". Again, I’m in the dark here.
Presidente: My dearest bunny-wunny? Left me?
Underling: She referred to you as a blood sucking bastard.
But yes, your bunny-wunny has left
Presidente: I shall have to have her placed in the darkened room where the gas board heads meet. How much space we got left in there?
Underling: Well, after the abortive coup of 1978 . . . and the strikes of 1984 . . . we've got one more space before we have to fumigate. Again.
Presidente: Ah, damn government labour
Underling: Mi Presidente, if I may, we could have solved this problem with Stalinism
You insisted on benevolence though. Such as sparing the children
Which was really, quite preposterous
Presidente: by the way, remind me, what did we do with the last stalinist, you know, Trotsky?
Underling: Well he was actually a Trostkyite……
Presidente: We gave his address to the real Stalin, didn't we
Underling: Well yes. But that was only because well . . .
We happened to have intelligence in Mehico?
And wanted to cement relations with the USSR?
Presidente: More or less, more or less
Underling: Actually Stalin was quite angry about it. Mentioned something about skull fucking
Trotsky's wife and feeding the children to the alsatians
Presidente: Ah yes, well he's dead now
Underling: Indeed. 1954
Presidente: Well the country needs a new ally, and I propose the Cypriots
Underling: The cypriots? What can they offer us Presidente?
Presidente: Both greek and Turkish food. Oh, and olivio. It is the secret of everlasting life
Underling: Well sir, we already have Abbaseens on Via Nuevo for that
Oh wait . . .
We didn't shoot him did we? I forget. It gets busy around Easter.
They all go fucking bananas
Presidente: Hell, everyone born before me is dead, use it as a rough guide
Underling: Hmmm . . .He’s dead then. Shame.
He did a nice curry. Did have an illegal arms dump though.
And he was threatening to begin a Turkish empire in the Caribbean
Presidente: And I think we should re-introduce the death penalty for these people "fucking
bananas" as you say
Underling: Unfortunate….but yes, we will re-implement the re-education programme. The re-education programme . . . with compulsory capital punishment
If I may Presidente: Mwuhahahahaha!
Presidente: Indeed. Mwuhahas all round
Underling: Presidente, its the hotline from Washington for you
Presidente: Oh God. How’s my hair?
Underling: Well, you have none . . . sir
Toupeé? We have many
Presidente: Yes, the Nixon, if you would
Underling: *hands Nixon* Remember, no “peace signs”. You got laughed out of the UN the last time. Remember?
Presidente: Bah, but who's laughing now? Eh??
Underling: Well, we had to nuke Antigua before they’d listen
Presidente: Yes, a pity
Underling: I had cousins in Antigua. Still, their loss.
Presidente: Ah well, ho hum. Still, comrade, sit down, I wish to talk. I know you do not wish for me to die, do you
Underling: Of course! Presidente, you are like my father and mother rolled up into an alpha male package. Yes.
Presidente: Because, comrade...what is your name comrade?
Underling: And my name? Rodriguez.
I've been your Chief of Staff for 45 years
Rodriguez: I've got a name tag
And pretty rank colours
Presidente: And I have a piranha tank, so quiet down a few seconds
Presidente: Comrade Rodriguez, I wish for you to take over when I am gone
Rodriguez: Really? Like Raul Castro? I am honoured!
*Moves to kiss presidente’s sacred feet*
Presidente: I know it will not be soon, as I possess the secret of Olivio
But you have shown admirable maliciousness and spite…
Rodriguez: Really? I feel . . . uncharacteristically emotional
Presidente: And your disregard for human life that borders on the homicidal
Rodriguez: Well I prefer "genocidal"
But Presidente any compliment from you is that of God and his chorus of angels
Presidente: Yes, yes, of course. But you are like a son to me
Rodriguez: And indeed Presidente, you are the father I never had nor wanted
And still don't
Presidente: A ruthlessly evil bastard son, but the best hope this country has for it's future
Rodriguez: Remember Tortuga? I burned down every last Tenement building? Simultaneously? With everyone sleeping inside? Children and all?
Presidente: Yes, that must have been an impressive timing set-up you had there
Rodriguez: Well, I had the help of an explosives expert and a hippy. They are both dead now.
Anyway sir, the hotline! Washington is waiting!
Presidente: Just a minute
Rodriguez: *re adjusts the Nixon*
Presidente: And I wish for you to know that when I am gone, you shall face many insurrections
Not least from me, as I will not be dead when the time comes for me to step down
Rodriguez: Really? You’ll be there to oppose me?
That Olivio isn’t worth the tin it’s plopped in. Marlon Brando should know…
Presidente: But you shall overcome
The hows, wherefores and whys matter not, it will happen
It will all come to pass
But now we must face the press
Rodriguez: Indeed. Shall I prepare execution square? And the shotgun? The one you received from Saddam? Along with the tea set
Presidente: Hmm, 'tis rather hard to execute over a videolink, methinks
Rodriguez: Well, we could have you facing the crowd, and discharging rounds.
Presidente: Arrange a photogenic child to be near the front, would you
Rodriguez: It’s all good, Presidente. Wait a minute *Sniffs*
Sir? Do you smell something?
Natural Gas? From the basement?
Rodriguez: What is it, mi presidente?!
Presidente: It burns my throat
Save me rodriguez
Rodriguez: *gives mouth to mouth*
Come outside Presidente *cough*
Outside . . . *cough* *Opens doors to veranda*
Presidente: *Coughs, splutters too*
Rodriguez: Presidente, tell me, what have you done now? Oh and you look most pale, may I add
Presidente: *Croaks* You know that gas board head?
Presidente: The one that is linked to the mafia?
Presidente: Well, it appears they intercepted our hitmen
Rodriguez: Really? Which one? 47 was very successful…Couldn't have been him
Presidente: And prepared a most *Cough* Ironic return
Rodriguez: What was this irony then? I always found it was the lowest form of wit
And you specialised in sarcasm! Which is a true artform!
Presidente: Aah, to kill me with my own killing gas. That is low indeed.
Rodriguez: I have saved you now Mi Presidente. We are safe on this balcony . .. Of open air . . . and…What's that? In the air? Bird? Plane? Superman?
Presidente: F17, I think…
Rodriguez: American Planes in our airspace?
Presidente: Oh dear God, I didn't phone George Bush drunk last night, did I?
Rodriguez: No. We had the phone disconnected after the incident in ‘96
Presidente: Ah yes
Rodriguez: He threatened to eat you?
Presidente: Most unfortunate
Presidente: Luckily his next food...did not agree with him
Rodriguez: Well, sir the coroner would disagree . . .No foul play at all. None at all.
Rodriguez: And that only cost 20 pesos - Best deal we ever made
Presidente: Yes, an easily bribeable coroner is your best friend. Another lesson for you, Rodriguez
Rodriguez: Anyway sir . . . my God . . . DUCK!
*explosions in the distance*
*an entire street is blown to pieces*
*wood and debris rise up in great big swirling clouds of black dust*
Presidente: Aaaah, what now
Rodriguez: Those Americans . . . wait. Do you hear that too? A low droning noise?
It’s like the Bay of Pigs. Only this time with bigger guns
Does that . . .This is from my scant training at the military academy now mind . . .
But does that sound like . . .A low flying B 52? Capable of dropping . . .The Daisy Cutter?
Presidente: Ah crappedy crap crap crap
Rodriguez: That leaves a quarter mile blast crater? And up to a mile of destruction?
Presidente: I knew I shouldn't have worn the Nixon…Quick, get me the Kennedy
Rodriguez: I did tell you…
Presidente: The toupee dammit, there isn't much time
Rodriguez: Here, the Kennedy!
Rodriguez: Quickly sir! And "Ich Bin ein Tropican"! And the Catholic spiel That'll work!
Presidente: Ah yes.
Do onto others as you would bloody well please etc.
Rodriguez: Oh yes. And don’t forget a hardline stance on abortion and philandering
And generally any human activity that isn't praying or fasting.
Presidente: Only I should carry them out, yes?
Rodriguez: Yes, for you are incorruptible
And thus, cannot be tainted, even by sin
Presidente: Thank god
*Bets GNP on horses*
Our GNP is 500 pesos, or 2 American Dollars
That's not going to get you far
Presidente: Ah well, bet it anyway. Damn WTO
Rodriguez: Those bastards. Free trade my ass.
Sir, we have a telegram from the White House. It reads:
Rodriguez: Dubya - calling presidente, Dubya - calling presidente, I've had enough of your Anti-americanising, and communisiation of what could be another GAP sweat shop base
So, I'm sending in the Special ops
Have a nice day
See you in Hell
He sounds nice
Presidente: Tell them no matter what, they will never defeat this proud noble nation
And prepare the escape copter
Rodriguez: And sir, we don't have helicopters
We have a propellor plane though
Presidente: Prepare the escape plane, then
Rodriguez: It’s quite fetching – a DC3.
Gassed up and ready to go.
Where to, Presidente?
It’s owned by Shell. Norwegian pricks.
Presidente: I have some friends in the rebel held territories. You have a better suggestion?
Rodriguez: We can escape in to Colombia.
They do coffee
And the nuns prostitute themselves
It’s all good
Presidente: Well yes, quite
off we go.............
Rodriguez: *The daisy cutter is dropped and descends rapidly, upon impact the massive bomb with a kiloton equivalent of Hiroshima rips up the presidential compound and leaves a charred, gaping injury in the earth’s crust*
*All is vaporised for quarter mile*
Presidente: Aaaach, that stung
I think we’re done for
Presidente: *coughs blood*
American Special Forces: THIS IS AMERICAN SPECIAL FORCES
ASF: SURRENDER NOW AND YOU WILL BE SPARED
OTHERWISE WE NUKE THE CARRIBEAN
YES YOU HEARD - THE WHOLE THING
Presidente: I'll stay behind this tree.....
Rodriguez: Presidente . . .*Crawls to American medic*
Rodriguez: psst, he's behind the tree
Presidente: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!!
*The American soldiers let rip with a barrage of M60 fire*
*riddling the corpse of the fallen despot with lead*
*he dies fixing his toupee*
*Image of face is imprinted on Shroud, Che-like, forever to grace the T-shirts of people who know nothing*
Narrator: Later at the UN . . .
Kofi Annan: What has happened on the last communist regime in the whole Caribbean: Tropico, has been nothing short of tremendous
We hope to pass resolutions, and write angry letters
Yes, America, Hans Blix is sooo pissed off!
France: Don't you think that's a bit much?
Kofi: Well we could always SURRENDER, couldn't we, like CERTAIN folk
France: Fair enough
Germany: Ja, could always do that! That's it, we take France once more! This is for 1945!
*world descends into Anarchy
Britain: What the bladdy hell is going on here?
*the UN sends out angry letters*
*Ireland fights back. And the Irish fleet (of Massey Fergusons) was dispatched to the North post haste *
*This time, it’s personal*
Zen Monk: Ah, history repeats
Narrator: And so, the game ended . . .
Brought to you by:
Inflammable Jim - Presidente, France, Britain, Zen Monk
Garretsdthief4me- Rodriguez, Special forces, The USA, the German Rep, Kofi Annan and the Irish
Posted 29 May 2005 - 09:10 PM
Though it just reminds me about what made the live mysteries so great.
Posted 30 May 2005 - 10:34 AM
How did the Live Marple Mysteries work then? Although the answer is probably sickeningly obvious. Or just sickening.
Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:10 AM
Basically, we all demobbed to IRC then shouted at each other in a vaguely unstructured way until the funny happened. They... don't appear to be around any more.
Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:12 AM
Posted 30 May 2005 - 11:16 AM
THE MYSTERY OF THE PHANTOM FLAN BASHER
* Miss-Marple and Kidz are in a bakery*
* Baker reaches for the flans
Suddenly a man rushes in shoots the baker and steals the flans
* Janek walks along to the OLD VIKING GRAVE YARD for no apparent reason. He looks confused.
*they arrive from the grave yard*
*Gravedigger looks worried of the new arrivals*
* Kidz sees a coat swoop behind a grave
* Gravedigger points to the Scaryscary Crypt
* Janek fears nothing! Ahahaha! Except spiders.
*Gravedigger goes about his business as the group walk off*
* Gravedigger Mystery_coat_wearing_Person
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person looks around at the intruders
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person pulls out a sock full of beans
* Skeleton colapses
* Miss-Marple pushes skeleton to ground
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person makes a break for the door
* Kidz pulls out magnet
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person loses his coat in the tussle
* Mystery_coat_wearing_Person is really...
* Janek gasps
* Mr_Day files nails, than gasps for effect.
* Disgruntled_Gravedigger 's 'flans' turn out to be semtex
*at that moment VIKING break out of the walls*
* Flan_Basher runs away into the night
* Miss-Marple mounts kidz' spoon
* Janek "mounts" Kidz' "Spoon"
* Flan_Basher leaps into a plughole and escapes down a waterpipe
* Flan_Basher is thrown out somewhere on the coast
* Flan_Basher is seen
* Kidz gets out medieval sige equipment
* International_Ferry gets in the way*
* Miss-Marple and Kidz start swimming to rescue the flans
* Flan_Basher abandons ship
* Miss-Marple grabs the flans and swims back to safety
* Janek points out that a dinghy isn't a ship. Stands on the beach. Looks dejected.
* Kidz grabs the flan basher
* Flan_Basher grabs Marple's foot, then puts on scuba gear and metal shoes, pulling them both to the bottom
* International_Ferry sinks, after hitting a UFO disguised as an iceberg.
* Kidz asails fort sand stone anyway
* Kidz jumps in
* Janek also jumps in, causing a tsunami in Japan two days later.
* Kid_Funky_Fried force feeds Janek an Irish, Jonnie Onion Approved Dictionary.
* Kidz grabs marples hand
* Flan_Basher is glad he couldnt hear that joke
* Flan_Basher pulls a harpoon
* Miss-Marple grabs Kidz
* Flan_Basher fires the harpoon
* Miss-Marple removes hip and throws it at Flan Basher
* Kidz stops harpoon with his teeth
* Flan_Basher still has his airtank
* Flan_Basher runs the rest of the way to the coast
* Kidz grabs the flan basher and removes his mask
* Janek gasps
* Flan_Basher pulls off Jackal mask
*marple let out a belch*
* Miss-Marple wants more flans
* Kidz puts the flan basher on a plane
* Flan_Basher runs away (slowly) along the sea bed