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A Clockwork Marple

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#1 Marple


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 07:34 PM

The Complete Tales Presents...

For the Final Time...

A Miss Marple Murder Mystery

A Clockwork Marple

Featuring, in no order at all because there's only one thing


In the depths of Atlantis a window was leaking. Vassal sighed and put some wellies on. Things had fallen into disrepair and the master didn't seem that bothered. Vassal stalked off to his room and tried, like he did everynight, to build himself a woman. So far he'd got as far as Dale Winton but he was having trouble eradicating the mincing. He sighed and told himself it would have to do.

Upstairs, in a slightly more plush and jeweled part of Atlantis a woman too was being tampered with. And meanwhile somewhere else again, joranj was hard at work.

"Okay, okay..." he muttered to himself, all stubble and rolled up shirt sleeves. "One more turn should do and then another spring..." He reached into a large box and pull out an "...onion, to calm my nerves."

joranj had been under a lot of stress recently and he'd progressed from radishes to spring onions. He lit one and stood back. He admired his creation before taking out a key and sticking it into it's back. He turned it half a dozen times.

"Marple?" he muttered, barely daring to utter the name. "Darling, can you hear me?"
There was a whir, a clink and a boing.
"If you can hear me, then please say something," said joranj imploringly.
"Damn, I knew the cuckoo clock was a mistake," cursed joranj. With a sigh he picked up his screwdriver again.

Meanwhile, in Taiwan

"ARGGH! It's monsterous!" screamed a woman.
"We must flee!" cried a man on a bicycle.
"What's happening," asked a blindman.
"Can't you see?! It's obvious!"
"Obvious? It's not a giant mutant space dog is it?"
"ARGGHH! The giant mutant space dog got me with his laser guided nasal mucus!"
"So was I right or not?"

Well he was partially right. It was a giant mutant dog but it didn't come from space. It didn't even come from Ikea, or any catalogue shop for that matter. No this dog was Hefe and sitting on a throne on the dogs back was Melvin, one time lackey of the late, great Timepie. The people of Taiwan could hear him cackling even above the screams.

"BWAHAHAHA! NOW WITH MARPLE GONE AND THE TCP DISBANDED THERE IS NO ONE WHO CAN STOP ME! NO ONE!! Except maybe a giant space hose as that might scare Hefe but still! NO ONE!"

And he started his world domination attempt by making shoddy electronics.
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#2 Josh


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 07:36 PM

At number 221b, Baker Street (exactly that one, coicidentally) there was a modestly-sized town house. Outside was a red phone box with a blue plaque on it. The sign over the door said HERCULE POIROT DETECTIVE AGENCY.

On the doorstep stood Poirot himself, twirling his moustache and humming a ditty about pigeons. Life was peachy; the mystery solving business had calmed down a lot since Marple had been, ahaha, 'retired'. The villians were more normal, the hours more sociable, and the competition limited to the likes of Morse or, even more laughably, that bumbling halfwit Holmes.

He'd even managed to expand slightly, taking in a few of Marple's more compitent staff.


Inside the Poirot Control Centre (which had no kind of amusing acronym whatsoever), the thing that goes PING went PING, loudly. Loweko looked at it.

He turned to Mr Big.

"Mr Big," he said, "Did you hear that? The thing that goes PING went PING."

"Yes, Loweko, I distinctly heard it go PING."

"The thing that goes PING... when it goes PING, what does it mean again?"

"It means that there's a storm brewing over the Greek ocean, when Atlantis is supposedly burried."

"Oh. I thought that was the one that goes WOIOIOIOIOING. I thought PING was for plot maguffins."

"Eh, you could be right. Who cares? We've got a case, and since the wedding, these mysteries just aren't solving themselves..." Big turned back to his pile of mystery case files. He tried to concentrate on them but they were actually just really boring. He sighed; he couldn't remember the last time he'd had to beat someone to death with a mongoose, and the Apache gunships had failed their last MOT, they were so derelict. It just wasn't the same...


Lightning struck over the waves off the coast of Greece, and, a mile below the surface, joranj slaved over a hot pylon. Marple was strapped to the table, her clockwork running but her eyes vacant.

joranj cackled and looked to the sky.
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#3 innoQnti


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 07:48 PM

"Okay, somehow something seems to have gone wrong," Death said revealing a pathetic hand. God, on the other hand, had six aces.

"Don't worry. I am sure that at some point you might beat me."

"Look, I couldn't even beat you when you were ill during the whole Apocalypse thing," Mr. Death complained slamming a bony fist on the table.

"Wrong universe. I don't get ill in this one," God suggested sitting back and crossing his arms.

"Wanna bet?"

God just grinned and Mr. Death re-appeared at his mansion. His PDA bleeped. No sooner had he read the message detailing Jenad's arrival that the door opened and the Jedi walked through. She courtseyed and wondered into the kitchen. The bacon butty was quickly created and consumed.



"I'm bored."

"No kidding. All I do these days is collect people in tweed suits who've slipped on something in the street and play God at cards."

"Still bored."

"Why do we bother, eh? I mean particularly me and you, but also neutrals at large. Hell, can't say there are many left that I know the whereabouts of."

"Nope, still bored."

The two stood still. A Jedi in the wrong universe and a slightly out-of-place pile of bones in a robe.

"I'll make up the guest bedroom then."
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#4 Dystopian Rhetoric

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Posted 19 October 2004 - 08:06 PM

Enter Edwards Jackson, the man with two second names.

He has no past, no present and no future. He used to mind, in the past that he no longer has, but due to a nasty accident with a Quantum Time Travel Thingy he erased the period in time where on his first use of a Quantum Time Thingy he used it to erase his first use of a Quantum Time Thingy. He thought it would be funny.

Instead, he ended up being removed from the time line by the powers that be, for causing so much bloody inconvenience. This had the unfortunate effect of giving him no future. But then again, he never aged as such, so he had plenty of time to enjoy not having a future. Which he technically couldn't.

Having no present either, no one could really be sure what he looked like any more. Before he'd messed with the cosmos he'd been an averagely sized, weighted and look'ed man, with a mess of scraggly brown hair and a penchant for tatty suade trenchcoats and non-suade scarfs. Except that having no past, that didn't really apply either. Still, everyone who ever met him agreed that at some point in the distant non-past, he probably didn't not look like that.

Concerning right not-now, Edwards Jackson had found himself in London, in Baker Street, with an antique Grandfather clock strapped to his non-back and was annoying everyone on the road by only getting in the way of the traffic when they tried to drive through him.

#5 Hey Kidz

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Posted 19 October 2004 - 08:20 PM

Inside a rather grimy looking cafe, south London, a greasy looking man with a grubby apron who was presumably the proprieter was arguing animatedly with a bald man in a suit who looked suspiciously like Vinnie Jones.

"If you don't get me the money by 6 tonight then i'll be ordering a full english breakfast FOR YOU FACE!" the gangster said, screaming the last three words psychotically.

The cafe owner gesticulated back at the man, suggesting that he lower the volume of his voice, then whispered "look, sorry, sorry. it's Slone, my cook, he spent all the racket money on some scam at the hospital. and it didn't work!" The owner picked up a frying sausage with a fork and flung it at Slone, hitting him on the back of the neck making him yell uncomfortably as hot oil dribbled down his back.

The Gangster frowned menacingly and walked out the door. At that moment the cafe owner pressed a button under his counter and outside a spoon, which hung on above the front of the cafe lodged between the words Greasy and Spoon Fell, knocking the man out cold.

"Another victim of justice!" the cafe owner exclaimed quietly. Rueing the day that the TCP had broken up.

#6 Marple


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 08:33 PM

Marple could feel her insides moving like a pool ball in a buffalo. She had an overwhelming desire to scrach her kidneys but she didn't. It took her a full five minutes to realise that her mind had started working - she was a bit slow on the uptake.

5 minutes earlier

"C'mon you stupid lightening!" cried joranj, throughing a bucket at the sky which promptly fell onto his head. He was cursing the day he'd decided to try and create that half-man, half-whale creature. He'd used lightening for that too, and lightening never strikes the same place twice.

joranj shook his fist at the sky before shaking his fish. Then he had an idea. Whether it was the vibrations of the slippery haddock in his hand, or whether he'd just had his weet-a-bix that morning wasn't apparent but he had an idea nonetheless. He moved his lightening condutor three inches to the left. Instantly lightening struck it and Marple turned an electric blue. joranj looked on impatiently.

5 minutes later

Marple realised her mind was working. She opened her eyes and as she did so she heard whiring. She sat up and heard more. However, her listening to herself was interupted by joranj.

"She's alive! She's alive!" he cried
"Whose she? The cat's mother?" said Marple testily, her voice a clockwork imitation of its former self.
"Darling!" cried joranj, flinging his arms around Marple. This however, had an unexpected effect.

Marple went bolt rigid before she, in the same clockwork voice as before, said "Must mate! Must mate! Must have children! Must find cure to sexual urges!"

'Egads!' thought joranj 'I've created a horny robot. I knew I shouldn't have used all those oysters in the lovecollabomatrixical array'

Meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis, the World Domination Alarm, flashed on and off.

[OOC: Joshedit: you used 'Josh' for 'joranj throughout :P

Freudian? Hmm?]
[OOC: Marpleedit: Either that or I'm as senile as Marple is. But I'm going for the first option :naughty:]
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#7 Jen


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 09:58 PM

Jenad was, indeed, very bored.

There isn't much call for an out of place Jedi in this universe and the jobcentre had laughed her outside when she tried to explain that her last job was effectively as the sidekick of an anthropomorphic personification and she was unlikely to be able to acquire references from him.

In the end she had found herself languishing part-time in a Forbidden Planet with the ocassional weekend job wowing geeks at various conventions up and down the country.

The Starfighter had last been seen sinking into the bottom of the sea off the coast of Ireland when it finally ran ou of fuel. No amount of unlearning what she already knew would raise it again.

The last straw had came when one too many obsessives asked her to 'Feel my Force!' at a particularly rowdy convention. After nearly being arrested for attempted amputation with a deadly weapon Jenad decided it was time to look her old friend.

That had lead her to Death's extremely easy to find hidden home.

"How about now?" she asked as she sat across from Death in the living room, sipping from a cup of tea.

A few beeps.

"No, nothing," Death said, laying his PDA down beside him again.

Several boring minuets later...

"How about now?"



A further few boring minuets and a rather nice concerto later...

"Now?" Jenad asked.

"No! Nothing! What do you want me to do?!" Death leapt from his seat (an astonishing sight), "I can't just wave my arms and cause havoc!"

A loud and insistent beeping sound started from the PDA. Jenad looked at Death. Death looked at Jenad. They both looked at the PDA. Death reached out and picked it up carefully.


"Well?" Jenad asked after a few quiet moments.

"Strange storm activity over Atlantis. Reports of a...giant mutant space dog in...Taiwan? That can't be right...oh no...it is, picture proof," Death looked up at Jenad, "You know what this means?"

"Time to save the world again?" Jenad said, standing.

"Looks like it," Death said, nodding his skull.

"Excellent!" Jenad said then paused looking at her cup, "Time for another cup of tea?"

"Yeah, why not?" Death grinned and headed to the kitchen.
I lost some time once...it's always in the last place you look for it. Violent Becoming Downtown, Olympus Town

#8 Josh


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Posted 19 October 2004 - 10:12 PM

joranj was alarmed.

"Marple, you're 90% clockwork. It would be like having sex with a cheesegrater."

"Must - reproduce! Must- make - babies!" Her head started slowly revolving.

"Erk," said joranj. And: "Um." And finally, "Eek."

He looked around from side to side a bit, looking for something to fend off the randy robot  of his reincarnated romance. He seized on an idea; taking a step back, he lured her forward by dangling some cheap german pron in front of her face.


She stepped on the launch pad. joranj flicked the switch and it catapulted her out of the ceiling of the Atlantis base.

She soared up, out of the water and into the air. joranj heard a distant yell: "Miss Marple's blasting off agaaaaaaain!" before she vanished into the sky.

But the blow had critically damaged the integrity of the base. joranj knew he had mere seconds to escape! He grabbed his mobile videophone, noted the flashing Global Domination warning light, and lept into the cockpit of Optimus Fried.

Ki-ko-ko-ko-ki! The Transformer transformed into a Lear jet as joranj flipped through the numbers. He hesitated; Jenad and Loweko were next to each other, which to call first? He decided as the thruster engines propelled him into the sky.


What goes up must come down, and Robo-Marple found herself coming down in a snow-covered Warsaw. A dour Pole observed her crash landing. "Aie," he thought, "Hitler! Hitler is launching time-delayed bombs! Aie!"

Robo-Marple got to her feet. She shook her head; everything the looked at seemed red. Also, the only part of her that actually WASN'T made of metal seemed to be her hip, whcih was an unusual state of affairs. Like clockwork, she turned and looked towards where Atlantis was, and saw a glint in the sky as the Lear jet passed before the sun.
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#9 Masked Dave

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Posted 20 October 2004 - 12:15 AM

A man stands infront of a low pedestal. Sitting atop it is a golden statue of the Pig God of Plenty, Whorus.

He'd come a long way to get to this point, and he wasn't going to mess it all up now. Taking off his beaten fedora he wiped the sweat from his forehead and reached into the satchel at his side. Carefully eyeing up the statue he pulled out a small bag, making a decision he opened it up and took out handful of the white powder and dropped it onto the floor. There was no way that thing weighed a whole bag of sugar. Then, with deft agilty he quickly knocked the statue off the same instant he put the bag onto the pedestal.

Nothing happened.

Smiling a cocky grin he turned and started to walk out of the room. His face fell when he heard the sound of the ageing security guard coming back from his regular bowel movement early. He decided to make a run for it.

Pounding past the secuirty guard the old man yelled out, "Oi! Stop you thieving bugger!" except in Polish, for that was where he was, before slapping the alarm button.

Claxons blared throughout Warsaw's Museum of Stupid Religions - which just happened to have one of the most advanced security systems on the planet (thus only requiring one old man to operate). Remote turrets tracked his movement and assulted the opposite walls with that most deadly of things-fired-from-guns: bullets.

They weren't actually aiming for the walls you understand, they were just a bit slow on the whole moving front. Great targetting system, but shoddy gears.

Infront of the fleeing man a large metal grate was sliding down over the only exit from the place, throwing himself forward he used his momentum to slide underneath it, slightly dissappointed that his hat hadn't fallen off the other side to allow for a stylish last second recovery.

Pleased with himself for having escaped from the building, it took a moment to register a low rumbling sound. Looking over his shoulder he saw hatches open from all over the building and slender, mildly stompy robots pouring out. Armed with nice big guns.

He ran again.

Racing through the streets of Warsaw towards the airport where he'd left his pilot Dr. Frankenfuter wondered why he hadn't bothered sticking to raiding tombs in far off rainforests. At least there he only had to worry about spears being thrown at him.

Nearing the runway he took off his hat and began shouting and waving to Pinky, who was taking a piss out of the side of the plane - watching to see how long it took to freeze.


Pinky looked up and saw the hundreds of security bots chasing Franky, and was silently thankful that budget restraints meant they'd all run out of ammo by now - most of which was embedded in the backs of the front rows of robots.

Just as he was about to jump onto the plane something caught Franky's eye. At first he thought it was another security robot, but there was something more stilted in it's movements, and it was trying to mate with a lamp post.


Pinky appeared at the hatch again, "You coming or what?"

"Hang on!" he yelled back, tossing the idol at Pinky. "I'll be back in a second."

Frankenfurter ran towards the metalic model of his former employeer, who turned to face him.

"Must make boom boom jiggy jiggy!" she cried.

"Dear god, it is you! And you've learnt some new words."

Grabbing her around the waist he pulled her away from the lamp post.

"You've put on some weight too," he huffed. "Come on Marple, I don't know what's going on, but I'm not going to leave you here."

Unfortunately the small distance between himself and the plane was now filled with robots.

"Why is it never easy?" he complained to the Clockwork Marple, who was gyrating her hip around in an incredibly disturbing fashion.
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but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#10 innoQnti


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Posted 20 October 2004 - 09:53 AM

"Eh, listen. You do realise what sort of situation we're in," Jenad looked worried.

"Really in it this time. No escape," Death commented. His shoulders drooped.

"Didn't think it would end like this to be honest, I expected fireworks," Jenad sobbed a little.

"Yeah, well," Mr. Death moved the Rook to E7, "Check and mate."

"Maybe we should, you know, respond to that emergency thing," Jenad glanced at Death's PDA while taking a sip from the 98th cup of tea.

"What would we do? That, THAT, is the question," Death asked.

"Well, I could sorta... chop the legs off or something-"

"No! I mean, which side do we dive on? Now that er... there appear to different good guys around. And different bad guys. Where do we go?"

"I see what you mean. I need a refill," Jenad smiled.
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#11 Josh


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Posted 20 October 2004 - 11:42 AM

Just as she got up, Jenad's phone rang. She pulled it out of her pocket and took a look.

"That's odd," she said.

"What?" asked Grim.

"It appears to be joranj."

"Hmm... red emergency light flashing, joranj on the phone... this could be interesting," replied Grim.

"Eh," Jenad shrugged.
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#12 Marple


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Posted 20 October 2004 - 12:06 PM

As joranj held the phone against his ear with his shoulder, he gracefully glided Optimus down to above Marple, Frankfurter and Pinky.

Marple was now transfixed by the robots. Her 'urges' had now sated themselves partially thanks to the lamp post and partially thanks to fact that her shag-crank had become loose. Marple turned to look at Frankfurter.

"Oh, hello Doctor" she said, as if waking from a dream. Her memory had returned "More robots I see,"

Frankfurter looked at Marple startled at Marple. The strange voice and constant whirring scared him.

"Are you alright Marple?"
"Yes, I'm okay,"
"Bowel movements okay?" Frankfurter knew this was integral to old peoples health.
"Regular as clockwork," Marple frowned as she said this before tapping her hip. It gave the dull thump of bone. She tapped her head where a hole should have been. It clanked like metal. "Hmm, someone has been playing silly buggers with me,"

She looked up and saw Optimus.

"Typical. You get married and your spouse always has to change you."
"Erm, Marple. No time for a tiff now. Robots!" cried Dr Frankfurter. They'd caught Pinky!
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#13 Konstantine



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Posted 20 October 2004 - 06:26 PM

Pinky cowered as the whirring of empty gunbarrels roared around him. He was surrounded by an attack force so obselete that they made David Dickinson look like the cutting edge.  The only way one of these hulks could be a danger was from Tetanus.

Laughing manically, he flipped his walkman to 'Another One Bites The Dust', walked over and kicked one of the robots, before falling over.

Grabbed by Frankfurter and dragged out of the walking junkyard they quickly fired up the plane and flew off - Marple staying with them ('needing her personal space') and a sulking joranj following in Optimus Fried.

But little did they suspect - the engine of the plane was stampmarked 'Made in Taiwan'! (cue overdramatic sting)

#14 Marple


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Posted 20 October 2004 - 06:46 PM

Whether it was the overdramatic sting, or whether it was coincidence, the engine broke at that exact moment. It broke because the factory in Taiwan had very poor quality control since Melvin took over and thus a small family of South American badgers had taken up residence in it and become squashed in the pistons.

Pinky, who was flying was the first to notice that something was wrong (well the second but we're not counting Jan Badger)
"Somethings wrong!"
"What?!" cried Frankfurter, noticing the plane going into a steep nose dive.
"The badger in engine warning light is flashing!" said Pinky pointing.
"What'll we do?" asked Frankfurter. He and Pinky turned to look at Marple.

"Don't worry," she said "I have Mr Day's Penknife,"

She reached into her pocket but it wasn't there. She fumbled around before seeing if she'd hidden it behind her hanky up her sleeve. She rolled back the sleeve and gasped. joranj had incorporated it into her forearm.

"Hmm... what attachement?"
"No, too late for that now... I know, The-Optimus-Fried-Remote-Net-Launcing-Attachment!"

Marple used it.

In the cockpit a light flashed and Annette was fired from the nose of Optimus Fried. She managed to grab onto Marple and the gang and pull them to safety, seconds before the plane crashed into a tractor.
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#15 NoWave


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Posted 21 October 2004 - 05:23 PM

The rain poured down on the grave yard behind the TCP cave.  All who had passed on were buried here.  As you walk through here, a chill wind blows.  You fancy you hear a thump.  Could that be an ancient villain, returned to life for one final battle?  Or an agent of the beyond returning to help marple.


No, wait, it's merely Alec Empire, returned from the dead to join in the havoc.

Another neutral in this mystery?  Damn.

#16 Loweko



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Posted 23 October 2004 - 09:22 PM

[OOC: aaargh, you coulda warned me, you...you...you lemmings!. Can I have a quick rundown on the TCP's whereabouts so I can "get", as they say "back" into the "game" ? Last post I see mentioning them is the Poirot Control Centre]

#17 Josh


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Posted 23 October 2004 - 11:05 PM

[OOC: That's it, so far. There's only you left, really, so it's in your hands. I suspect you're about to get a call from joranj, though, as Jenad clearly isn't picking up...]
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#18 Superpig


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Posted 24 October 2004 - 02:15 PM

In the skies above Brighton, Superpig hummed quietly to himself. It was always quiet up here - disconcertingly quiet, like when you go down to the kitchen at one in the morning and all you can hear is the tick of a clock, the buzz of an electric light, and the hum of the fridge. It becomes necessary to make noise just reassert your presence in the world, and even then, it's a hollow, empty sound.

Life post-TCP had been pretty tough. He had always toyed with being a superhero, but hadn't actually done it properly until he'd joined up with them. Now that the team had disbanded/died/pied, it left something of a void. Sure, he could still fight crime and chase the bad guys... but he didn't have a cave. The cave was what he missed the most.

A beep emitted from his beeper, shortly followed by a light going on on his lighter. He checked his altitude meter. Time to get to work. Pulling the cord by his shoulder, he felt his burden unfold and billow out behind him. It'd take a few seconds to stretch out fully; he sped up to help it on its way.

Not having had the chance on the ground, he looked back once it had fully unrolled. This one had been paid for by Mac's Diner, one of the beachfront establishments. It was near the pier, next door to Joe's. Superpig ate at both from time to time; they were of roughly equal quality. However, the Brighton Tourist Restaurant awards had just taken place, and they had obviously disagreed, because Mac's Diner had been left with the award for "Best greasy chips," while Joe's had been left with none at all.

Evidently Mac's Diner was feeling the need to rub it in, because the banner he was carrying across the sky read "Eat it, Joe's."

Fighting crime was nice, but it didn't pay the bills.
End of line.

#19 Jen


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Posted 24 October 2004 - 03:07 PM

[OOC: Forgive me - was distracted. Now we return to the regularly scheduled programming]

After long moments of the A-Team theme Jenad finally answered the phone.

"Yes, joranj?" she said wearily, "Uhuh. World domination...right...yes...Clockwork Marple - I see...mating instinct, I say...Warsaw...robots...Franky and Pinky? Oh, right...engine made in Taiwan. Got it..."

Death tapped a bony finger on a bony knee as the conversation continued.

"So...what do you want?" Jenad asked after being brought up to speed, she listened for a fe moments more, "Okay then. Whatever you say. Yes, I promise. Yes, yes. Okay. Goodbye"

"So?" Death asked as Jenad flicked the phone closed.

"He says that whatever's going on in Taiwan would we kindly keep our noses out of it," Jenad leant back in the chair.

"Noses?" Death asked with the impression of a raised eyebrow had he an eyebrow to raise.

"Metaphorically speaking in your case of course," Jenad said, draining her umpteenth cup of tea.

They sat quietly for a moment, staring at the floor, the only sound clinking of Death's cup as it knocked against his bony jaw.

"What now then?" Death asked at last.

Jenad looked up, smiling.

"Fire up the combine," she said, standing, "We're going to Taiwan"
I lost some time once...it's always in the last place you look for it. Violent Becoming Downtown, Olympus Town

#20 Loweko



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Posted 24 October 2004 - 04:30 PM

Mr Big was halfway under a particularly recalcitrant Apache (poor thing was off its feed - they needed light, they needed space...to run free, free as the wind blows, in the glorious skies, not remain cooped up in some dank hangar) when his shell-like ears (literally, since that nasty time Hefie had gnawed them off and he'd had to get prosthetics) detected the faint sound of the thing that normally went FELSCHORBLE instead going WOOOOONG!

"WOOONG?" he said to himself, abruptly sitting up...and promptly cracking his head on the landing gear, making a sound not entirely unakin to "KRUNG!"

"WHAT SAID "KRUNG"?" said a sudden Lowish voice, and through the red mist of pain Big heard the rather more easily-deciphered sounds of a man valuting over the Mustache Mobile (Poirot was a stickler for his public image) and landing in a dramatic pose. "Was that a real Krung? Has it finally happened, at last?"

"No, that was my head..." said a petulant Big, reaching for a packet of Trebour Extra-Strong Bandaids.

"Oh. Do be more careful, gave me quite a fright there."

"There was a WOOONG!, though."

"How many Os?"

"I'd estimate five, tops."

"I see. " From his sub-Apache position Big could only see the citrus expert's polished boots as they strolled across the PCC. "That probably means Taiwan. Are we still talking to joranj?"

"Probably. But we can't go gallavanting off to Ta..."

"Yes we can. Poirot's not bad as bosses go, but he's a tad easy to manipulate. I'll just remind him of the international mustache-curler's convention held there every year, and point out his personal stock is running low."

"He just bought a dozen crates!"

"Yes, but how do you think I polish these boots?"

#21 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

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Posted 25 October 2004 - 07:33 PM

Marple whirred her way into the cabin, before realising she didn't want a holiday in the woods. She quickly made her way to joranj's cockpit and let her self in.

"Hi honey," she said, sitting in the chair next to her husband.
"Hello, how are we felling?"
"I feel slightly wound up,"
"But no longer sexually voracious?
"Well, maybe a little bit,"
"I think I'll have you spayed."
"But don't you want to have children? Just think of the little Marple's and joranj's running about!"

joranj thought about this and shuddered.

"So..." started Pinky, not wanting to interupt the domestic scene, "Where now?"

As he asked this question Optimus was circling a tree. A poplar, even though no-one liked it.

"Oh yes. World domination," said joranj, breaking out of his thought about employing his children to do his paperwork. "To Taiwan!"
"Can't we go to Disney World?" asked Marple
"No, you know people in costumes bring you out in a rash."

And with that they flew off in the direction of Taiwan.

#22 innoQnti


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Posted 27 October 2004 - 08:29 AM

Almost simultaneously and without their knowledge but to their future annoyance at being covered in 23 flavours of custard and being slapped about in a Taiwanese refuse truck, Jenad and Mr. Death departed for Taiwan in  the combine harvester (now sporting 3 more cup holders and the 'Slippers of Death'... they were his slippers for comfort during long plot waits).

"Wow, is that the dog?"

"One overgrown mutt," Death mumbled, "But could it really take over the world?"

The dog bit a helicopter.

"Erm, seems so," said Jenad.

"Hmm, some sort of inter-galactic animal control is in order," Death suggested.

Little did he know of course that such a thing existed and, having recieved the report of the giant earth dog they had promtly dispatched a squad. They were however caught up in the nasty buisiness of gloop spillage near Alpha Centuri and did not arrive until after the mystery where they were treated to some cake.
Ultimately 1337. Forever.

(unless I screw up again)

#23 Josh


    Evil bird

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Posted 27 October 2004 - 09:57 AM

Optimus entered Taiwanese airspace just in time for joranj to see the giant dog attacking the combine harvester. "Oh, no," he said, "I'm the only one who busts combines around here. Plus Death and Jenad blah blah blah. We've got to do something!"

He carefully set Optimus down in a clearing and everybody climbed out. With a k-k-k-k-k Optimus turned back into a Transformer, which didn't around any attention whatsoever as most obots are made of genuine Taiwanese plastic so they'd seen it all before here. The robot grasped the nearest tree, uprooted it and threw it into Thailand. "Fetch!" shouted joranj through a carboard tube, which doesn't actually make your voice louder at all, it just makes you look like a bit of a twat.

Fortunately, Hefe didn't need to hear the instruction to know what was expected of it. It dropped the combine then bounded off after the tree. "We'd better hurry," said Marple. "He'll be back in a minute."

"What are we going to do now?" asked Pinky.

"Well," said Marple, "Usually we'd start looking for lateral solutions about now."

"Lateral solutions?"

"I've got it!" exclaimed joranj. "We need a giant postman, so that the giant Heffe is distracted by dry-humping it's leg."

"Like that" said Marple. "It's just a fancy term for bullshit, really."
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#24 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

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Posted 27 October 2004 - 12:50 PM

"Where the hell are we going to find a giant Postman?"

"I don't suppose Mr. Day's Penknife has-"

"No, sorry."

"But I thought it had something for everything?"

"Well it does, but we only referenced it a couple of posts ago, don't want to over-do it."

"Ah, I see."

"I don't suppose anybody has any giant post they need delivering, do they?"

Franky and Pinky looked at each other shiftly, "No."

joranj was about to probe further when Death rode up and said, "How's it going, fleshbags?" which drew his attention.


"Just trying it out. Did it work?"

"Depends, were you trying to look like an idiot?"

"Not really, no."

"Ah, it didn't work then."

"Hey, where did Jenad go?"

"What? She's just here- well that's odd, she was there a second ago."

"I'm up here you stupid (kittens - nice language ed)!"

They all looked up and saw her caught in a large grappling hook thing, you know, like you get on those Grab-A-Teddy machines. Only Jenad wasn't nailed down. She was, instead, being pulled slowly into a giant hovering Pie.

"TIMEPIE! That bast- ...hang on, isn't TimePie dead?"

"I'm pretty sure he is, I mean, we did squash him with our portaloo."

"That's what I thought, but then who...?"

The question hung in the air (much like the Jenad, who noticible none of them were rushing to help, infact they were all a little surprised she wasn't inside the Pie already) as the giant dog came bounding back with the tree in his mouth. A solution was needed, and quick.

"What I wouldn't give to hear the strains of Wager right now," muttered Marple.
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#25 Loweko



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Posted 27 October 2004 - 03:03 PM

"What I wouldn't give to hear the strains of Wager right now," muttered Marple.

There was a jarring chord.

Meanwhile, at the International Mustache Curler's Convention...

"Ah yeess! Come to ze leeetle grey cells!" said Poirot, already hardly visible under the huge pile of mustache curlers, mustache wax, mustache moulds, and novelty mustache candles he was carrying, as he gleefully waddled across the Dealer's Room towards a stand advertising "Mister Willis' Patent Mustache Rollers"

Behind him, the sound of Low and Big banging their heads in frustration against a wall and a nearby pundit respectively. ("Oh, the sweet sweet oblivion of pain! ") was lost in another jarring chord.

"Low, is that jarring chord meant for us?"

"I don't care if it's meant for the bleedin' Pope, anything's better than carrying around crates of Mutton-Flavour Mustache Crunchies. Warm up the choppers."

"Dunno about 'em, Low. Been pretty ricketty lately. #4's got a bad tendency to acquire a nasty case of exploding."

"Alright, I'll make alternative arrangements. You keep Poirot happy, he's a nice boss and pays well."

"Alright. 'ere! Colonel Chipping Sodbury or whatever your name is!"

"Ahem..." said Colonel Hastings reproachfully. "It IS Hastings, you know. Coastal town and all that."

"Sure, whatever, Colonel Brighton. Low and I are being paged, keep feeding mustacho man his allowance and don't let him play Facial Hair Roulette, back in a jiffy..."

Big dashed off to the valet heliport, jingling his keys. Below him in the crowd Low grinned, produced a large spanner from a small backpack marked "Emergency Conversion Kit", and muttered something about the Chinese having some of the best gear in the world for stuff like this. Then he grabbed a random passer-by.

"You, good man! Can I have directions to the nearest railway station?"