Jump to content

Il Rapido ed il Pane

This topic has been archived. This means that you cannot reply to this topic.
90 replies to this topic

#1 Cool Hand Luke

Cool Hand Luke

    Chillin' like a villain

  • Admin
  • Pip

Posted 21 July 2005 - 12:21 AM

The Complete Tales presents:
Racconti di Vecchio Ovest

Episode 6, Il Rapido ed il Pane
The Quick and the Bread


As Kit stepped forward, he felt a hand slip into his as Madame Patisserie came to his side. He noticed, abstractly, that she was actually slightly attractive. The crowd gathered around them. Beneath the ruins of the fountain was a shallow hole, and in that hole was a wooden box.

Buzz and Enriquo avoided each others' gaze. Fong stared at the hole like it owed him an answer. The others just milled around, wondering what would happen next.

They didn't have to wait long.

It began as a high-pitched shriek, reverberating through the hills and mountains, streaming across the desert, and blasting through the shattered remains of a town called Yokel. It was the sound of deliverance, but also dissolution; the sound of the New World, and the end of the world as they knew it. The UnBread looked up; even they knew the sound of looming destiny. At long last, even without their pirate workforce, the Great Iron Horse had made it to Yokel. And it contained the one group that would be the ruin of them all - pirate, cowboy, zombie and ninja alike.

Madame Patisserie spin her head in that direction. To her embarrassment it kept spinning, a trick she'd learned from her friend Linda Blair; fortunately everyone else was distracted by the train too, so she forced herself not to projectile vomit and stopped her head from rotating.

"We must hurry," she said as soon as she stopped feeling dizzy.

"What is it?" asked Beergut.

"I don't know," she lied, "but God told me that if we don't find this item soon then you'll all get genital warts. Somebody open the damn box!"

Kit shrugged, and knelt down; using the heel of his (or Ricco's) shoe, he broke the wooden slats at the top of the box. Before he could look in, Patisserie had pushed him aside.

Reaching into the box, she drew out a nugget of pure gold.

The train gave out its high-pitched cry again. Patisserie grinned.

"Thanks, morons," she said. "And now, by way of thanks, I shall tell you what happens next, maybe tie up a few loose ends for you:

"On that train are prospectors, and tourists, and businessmen with stock options and low fixed-rate mortgage plans. They're all coming here to see the Old West, the exciting fronteir, the end of the known world - a world that only exists in their fantasies, coz as we all know, all that really happens in the Old West is that old Dennis the Smithy gets tapirs in his vest, and even then they leave without a fight.

"But they have money, and guns. They will MAKE their Old West, and yours will be destroyed, in a way that all the zombies and indians in the world could never manage. This - " she held up the nugget " - will ensure that Yokel will finally meet its end, for good and all.

"Now, I hope you'll excuse me. I have a train to catch."

With that, she vanished.

There was a moments silence, but before anyone could say anything, Beergut spoke up.

"Everybody shut up and listen to me. We still have a chance."

The silence stretched, tenuously; but held.

Beergut continued, amazed at his own lucidity, and the clarity of the words coming from his own mouth. "There are two things that must be done. Firstly, this town must become boring again. Until this business is dealt with, I don't want anyone to so much as re-sort their music collection in non-alphabetical order. We must be vigilant, at all times, for anything that could be considered interesting; when we see something, we must leap upon it instantly and quash it into the ground."

The remaining pirates began to cheer, but Beergut held up his hand. "No cheering, lads; that's too interesting. From now on, you applaud politely." The pirates nodded; this made sense. A light ripple of applause broke out.

"Second," Beergut sighed, "we have to get that nugget back before Patisserie can sell it to the men on the train."

"How?" interrupted Buzz. "She can teleport, and as soon as she get's to the train we'll never catch her..."

"We have one advantage," said Beergut. "From working on the train, I know one little secret that even she doesn't."

"And that is?"

"It's run by Railtrack. It's going nowhere fast, and if we're quick, we can still make it. Let's decide who's going after her and quickly. There isn't a second to loose!"

"Steady on, isn't that a rather interesting thing to say?"

"Sorry; I meant that..."

He paused. The village looked on expectantly. He shrugged.

"Looks like it goan' be warm again," he said.

"Did someone say 'ninjas'?" muttered Mayor Sarah. "I could have sworn I heard someone say something about ninjas. At least we haven't had any of them show up. That would be just a little to interesting, I think."

"¬_¬" said the plot.

#2 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

  • Admin

Posted 21 July 2005 - 02:30 AM

Buzz took off his hat and fumbled with it in his hands,

"So, I guess this whole disguised-cowboy-hero thing is a bit too interesting," he said.

"Wait, you're in disguise?" asked Sarah.

"Well yeah, I'm a regular Yokle person."

"Really? I thought you'd come in on the train with all these other wackjobs - no offense."

"None taken," said Enriquo, who felt that was rather a raise in status.

"Well yes, then it's definitely all far too interesting. Get rid of it."

Buzz sighed with disappointment, he'd been rather enjoying himself. He tossed away his hat then pulled his mask off and dropped it to the dirt.

Silence greated this big reveal.

So he took off his white jacket, under which he was wearing his old grey waistcoat and dirty white shirt. A sea of blank faces looked out at him.

Removing his apron from a trouser pocket, he put it on and tied the cord behind him. Nothing.

"Oh come on! Somebody's got to recognise me!"

He could almost hear their brains working, searching for his face in their memories.

"Whiskey!" shouted somebody suddenly, "And make it a double."

"Close enough," Buzz said glumly and kicked the dust.

"Wait!" said Beergut in a dangerously interesting manner, "Do you know what this means?"


"You've lived among these people all your life. Most of them see you every day and even talk to you, in as much as asking for alcohol requires talking, and yet none of them have the faintest idea who you are!"

"Alright, no need to rub it in."

"No, you missed the point, you're the dullest, most uninteresting person in the entire town! You're perfect!"
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#3 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

    Doctor at Law

  • Admin

Posted 21 July 2005 - 12:02 PM

However, at that moment, just when someone boring and uninteresting had been found, someone exciting and interesting turned up. Or rather got up from the floor where they'd been lying. The Drex-Olthwaite hybrid slowly got to its feet. It was hard to tell where the man ended and the robot began (except where it was obvious, like the side of the face that was missing all skin, bone and stubble, or the hand which was decidedly too pointy to be anything other than robotic.) The village turned to look at the monstrostiy.

"Raah!" it cried "I am ROBOLTHWAITE!"

Everyone looked from one to another.

"Erm," said Enriquo "Interesting isn't he,"
Beergut nodded.

"RAAH!" cried Robolthwaite, his motives still not exactly clear.

"Whose side do you think he's on?" asked Buzz. Beergut turned his head toward the train.
"Who cares whose side he's on!? We need to hide him, he's too damn interesting!" he cried. "Quick, someone fetch me a tarp!"

#4 Mississippi Kit

Mississippi Kit

    One step above Furries.

  • Members
  • Pip

Posted 21 July 2005 - 01:13 PM

“Hold on, I got an idea!”

Kit fumbled around with the claps of his poncho, pulling it off and throwing it over the mecho-man. For whatever reason, it fit.

“Not a very interesting idea, mind,” he said quickly, “But as the good Lord says, He says, uh… ‘And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab….”

Kit’s eyes glazed over.

“He’s loosing it!” hissed Enriquo, “Get ready to hit him with a shovel!”

“…and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her that had been the wife of Urias.”

Kit grinned triumphantly.

“Dude!” said Buzz, “That sounds like one boring ass book. Maybe I should give it a read sometime.”

A mechanical snore shook up the poncho.

“OK,” said Kit. “now let’s move this here thing.”

#5 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

    Doctor at Law

  • Admin

Posted 21 July 2005 - 01:40 PM

However, as soon as someone touched the poncho Robolthwaite awoke.

"Raah! Robolthwaite fears no poncho!" he cried before tossing about, struggling with the poncho. Managing to get even more tangled than he already was, he fell to the ground with a thump. "Raah! Oh no!" he cried, struggling for a few seconds before apparently falling asleep again.

#6 Guest_garretsdthief4me_*

  • Guests

Posted 21 July 2005 - 01:42 PM

A gilded mahogany carriage third from an engine block fifty miles south of Yokel trundled along slowly - past rotting carrion, cacti and scrub. The red sand and scorched earth did not provide a very scenic view; a woman particularly sensitive to the landscape barked at her submissive husband in that utterly infectious finishing school roll of the tongue to fasten the curtains in their compartment.

Forced to take an interest in the petty squabble a slender, fair haired gentleman peered out over the crest of his newspaper, and lowered the brow of a wide-rimmed Stetson, shadowing eager pupils. Soon enough, he grew tired of the stout, pint-sized madame engaging in one sided debates over the merits of Indian teas, The Times and watermark writing paper with evident relish at the complete lack of opposition from her either bored or subdued counterpart; instead a sickly sycophantic nod was what was reciprocated from his quarter. When she then started on a rant about the Chinese and Indian "species" he thought it best to arise and go to the dining car; and there he would find a malt whiskey and peace.

"Hey Mac, pull me a scotch" - the gentleman put his hat down on the table, and delicately rested his outstretched palms on the faux-gold-spray handlebars of an antique saloon counter. He flexed them a number of times, lacking anything interesting to do. The Barkeep in due course after pouring a tray of Sasbarillas fetched out the gentleman's order, and tried to engage in some small talk.

"Sure thing boss - say, you here with the rest of these jokers?"

"No ... No, I'm going to eh, well a different place for a different reason" - pulling a cigar from his jacket pocket, he cut the nib in a manner he and his siblings had appreciated from their Grandfather - the Colonel - at a young age.

"Where might that be Sir?"

"Oh, lil' Ole town by the name of Yokel, it's a stop on the line isn't it?"

"Sure is, don't know what business you'd have there though - I sure as hell know that for this lot ..." he gestured subtlely at the patrons of the carriage with some controlled eye movement "... it ain't holdin' promise, as far as they're considered; 'its a waterin' stop where they might get a steak, then on to the big Gold towns in Washington state". He forlornly rubbed a beer glass before intoning the sad news that he would be staying along for the whole ride, some 14 days in a bunk with what he feared was a strangely "queer" member of the staff.

"Well, as I say - different business" - the gentleman insisted, then searching around his inside pockets, and unfolding the crumpled note, scribbled in a hurry, that J.W. Poillysquat had left at the offices some three weeks ago. It was littered with grandiose references to booty and loot to be had in a "fresh conquest" he'd sighted, and that a telegram would be forthcoming within a week for supplies, and a week after that with a progress report. No such message of news had arrived. The investors were running scared. And so the baby good looking charmer of the family - Thomas Daniel Poillysquat - had been dispatched to check into matters.

#7 Insane Genius

Insane Genius

    Eye Gee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 22 July 2005 - 07:05 AM

"Someone move that robo-human away. Its its too interesting." Beergut said, "Or at least cover him up in something, we don't want anything interesting!"

The others struggled to be boring whilst trying to decide what to do with Robo-Olthwaite. Meanwhile Beergut was starting feel more sober,

"Hey! Has anyone noticed, i'm actually speaking sense now i'm free from alcohol?" Beergut said, smiling gleefully.

Eddie looked at him, "Quiet! thats too interesting dammit!"
(0 .. 0)


#8 Innokenti


    I am an awesome horse.

  • Admin

Posted 22 July 2005 - 07:59 AM

Eddie removed his eye-patch and walked over to Sarah.

"You know how everyone who is from Yokel thinks you're a bloke... er, Miss," he said to her. She gave him a slightly suspicious look.

"Well, most of them are mostly dead - you however know the actual truth of it," she finally said.

"It's too interesting, we ought to do something about it," Eddie rubbed his chin, he probably needed a shave. He could have a shave. That was pretty mundane, no danger there.

"Are you-" she leaned in closer to him, "Are you suggesting we kill the rest of the Yokelians because... well because I wouldn't so mind doing it. I mean, shove in front of some zombies and Bob Sherunkle."

"Bob's your uncle, you mean."


"I wasn't really thinking of killing them, no, that's far too interesting, but I could try and actually convince them," Eddie suggested.

"You won't be the first one who has tried. Off you go then, and don't worry if the Mother Superior hits you on the head. And take Dr. Flash because he thinks I am a woman. So stop him drinking, get him sober, and convince him too," Sarah had so many plans... so many. Now it seemed to involved being mostly boring.

"Okay. I will go and lecture them," he said with a wink.

"And I. I need volunteers to help clean up an interesting mess," she said with a smile. Remembered herself, and resumed looking nonchalant. Before her, the mess of Yokel, complete with elephants, zombies, burned buildings and an awful lot of accumulated mess, beamed. She wasn't sure how a town could beam but it was definately too exciting and had to be stopped.
Proud of Russia because we have cheaper Paracetamol
"" Jen (and KD) on my photoshop skills.
Look no further for Kentoshop™, KentiHugs™ and Abwebsobmeb!
"I don't know who he is either but whoever it is he looks craaaazy..." - Optimist about me. 

#9 Insane Genius

Insane Genius

    Eye Gee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 22 July 2005 - 12:24 PM

The problem with clearing up a town full of dead/unbread elephants/humans etc. was two-fold.

Firstly, how the hell were they going to do this in the first place? Especially before the arrival of the train.

Secondly, how were they going to do it in a reasonably boring way?

Beergut had an idea, "Um... Crazy inventor type fellow?"

The professor turned to Beergut confused, "do you mean me?"

"Yeah. Is they're any way you could build something to clear up with this mess? and/or perhaps something to slow the train down?"

"But that would be too interesting" The professor noted.

"For you perhaps, but if you recited all of the intricate workings of whatever invention you come up with, then i'm sure everyone will remain bored"

Beergut looked around for approval of his plan.
(0 .. 0)


#10 Innokenti


    I am an awesome horse.

  • Admin

Posted 22 July 2005 - 05:02 PM

However, before anybody could agree, or indeed disagree as a good deal of the people there did not take lightly to being bossed about by a rather large pirate, there was a commotion not far from where Father Martinez was mid-preach as Eddie was coming up to them.

There was a a growing noise that was deep and irregular and it was spreading through Yokel towards the group of assorted characters. The Mother Superior glared at the dull-faced pirate and then turned to where a few zombies were advancing.

And the source of the noise was apparent. The unbread, the flour-based zombies, were now getting even more interesting. They were all hiccuping.


"Hiiiiiiiiic!" one growled to try stay in character.

"Bloody hell," sighed Red, "Why does somebody have to ruin it all by having interesting ideas?"
Proud of Russia because we have cheaper Paracetamol
"" Jen (and KD) on my photoshop skills.
Look no further for Kentoshop™, KentiHugs™ and Abwebsobmeb!
"I don't know who he is either but whoever it is he looks craaaazy..." - Optimist about me. 

#11 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

  • Admin

Posted 22 July 2005 - 05:16 PM

"Aw crap," moaned Sarah. "Hey, boring guy!"

"You me?" asked Buzz, who felt he should be rather insulted by all this.

"Yeah. Look go to the station and stall the new comers when they get here."

"Stall them? That sounds dangerously interesting," said Kit.

"Good point. Don't stall them then. Just go and.. erm.. stand around at the station and talk to them. But not about anything at all interesting."

"How the hell am I going to do that?"

"I don't know, but do it quick!"
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#12 TSP


    "The Don"

  • Members

Posted 25 July 2005 - 07:38 PM

"Wait. I've had an interesting idea," Sarah announced, but was cut off by a collective sigh from those gathered around. "I mean, a brilliant idea! Albeit a really dull one. Maybe really dull is overselling it. I've had a dull idea."

Nobody looked particularly enthused. "Morris, where does your average hermit live?"

"Well," Morris started. "Probably around Nebraska somewhere, but it depends how you wait it."

"No, I mean what kind of place do they live in?"

"Well, off the beaten track," Morris explained. "Somewhere where they can enjoy the quiet life without any interruptions and they don't have to worry about having to deal with things. Like people."

Buzz started nodding. "I think I see what you're getting at, Sarah. So Morris, a hermit would absolutely be as far away from any kind of commotion or excitement as possible?"

Morris nodded. "Well, a good one would."

"Go with him," the Mayoress commanded of Morris. "I've got a feeling you'll come in handy."

"Why, are we going to blow something up?"

#13 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

  • Admin

Posted 25 July 2005 - 08:05 PM

And so it was that the dullest person in town and the worst hermit ever along with whatever tag alongs they may need for future posts, plodded, in a highly uninteresting fashion, towards the trainstation.

Wherest they did findst several piles of the letterst S and T and feltst they shouldst makest usest ofst themst for asst longst asst thisst sentencest lastedst. St. There were two left over.

They also came across a rather large pile of wreakage that had previously been a Pirate Train. You could tell because there was still the torn remains of a Jolly Rodger, who had been one of the crew, and always a happy chap, well liked by everybody. He had unfortunately met his demise when the illconcieved mast of the train had fallen. Him being in the crows nest at the time. And then run over by a couple of elephants. Buzz thought for about this: ____ long about why he hadn't been turned into a zombie before realising that a dead body in a pirate train would be far too interesting a sight and so quickly set about clearing the mess up.

"How are we going to hide all this before the train gets here?" asked Morris,

"Hmm," hmmed Buzz, "What we need is a couple of large blankets."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#14 Josh


    Evil bird

  • Admin

Posted 26 July 2005 - 09:31 PM

Kit stood by the edge of the fountain, clenching and unclenching his fists. He'd felt so powerful. And it had all been the deceit of that witch. Where was God? Why had he been forsaken? Where was...

There was a moan from the other side of the square. Kit looked up; a zombie was shambling towards him. He looked around for help, but everyone was peeling off, trying to be boring; he was all alone...

"Excuse me," said the zombie.

"Uh... yes?"

"I was Ricco. I can't pass on until I get my boots back. As you see, I have here a pair to replace them. Can we please trade?"

"Um." said Kit. "Yeah. Sure. OK."

So they swapped boots. Sliding his old boots, the corpse of Johnny Ricco sighed happily, then fell to the ground, dead as he belonged. Kit put on his new boots, then waited for a few moments, this time, to allow the guy to pass to the afterlife; then he took Ricco's boots off again, for good this time.

"OK, God, you've given me another pair of boots. I guess we're even," said the priest, now in possession of 100% more boot.

And thus, a really uninteresting subplot was wrapped up in a suitably non-dramatic way, and some potentially engaging angst was brushed aside without even a glimmer of curiosity.
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#15 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

    Doctor at Law

  • Admin

Posted 26 July 2005 - 09:40 PM

Some of the towns people had taken it upon themselves to transport Robolthwaite to some where more secluded, as even though he was under the blanket he was still quite interesting. They had taken him to the nearby coffee shop. Originally they had been going to take him to what remained of the gaol but on the way they got tired and thirsty, so a quick change of plan was arranged.

Now, having been left alone, locked inside Robolthwaite stood up. He had managed to free himself from the poncho by wearing it, which made him, in his opinion, look rather fetching. He decided to try out this new found confidence in his looks by talking to the the rather tasty looking coffee machine behind the counter. He picked up a cup of coffee and supped it gently.

"You know," he said dispensing with his usual 'Raah!' as angry cries rarely go down well with women or coffee machines. "You know, I like my coffee like I like my coffee machines..."

Robolthwaite would have continued but he couldn't work out how he was going to make any sense out of the start of that sentence. He threw down the cup in frustration and went to sulk in the corner.

#16 Guest_garretsdthief4me_*

  • Guests

Posted 26 July 2005 - 10:47 PM

Thirty miles due south of Yokel an Iron horse was engaging in not so much a graceful gallop as it was more of a tedious, but quite leisurely, trot. The engineer commanding the forecastle of the convoy of clanking metal, called from the cab to the rear of the coal hop for more fuel, the fire reduced to cinders and steam pressure dropping rapidly. It was during this tenuous (over-familiar to onboard staff) last hurdle of the journey before a supply stop, when materials are scant that the re-kindling of the fire becomes more frequent, and spastic in nature. Every mile or so is bridged with a slight sigh from the engine block as if to indicate that the internal conditions leave something to be desired. Slowing to an even more suspect pace, it is in these moments of furious shovelling when the train is nearly at a halt that the roving pack of hobos and desert preachers usually realise a one in a million chance and manage to leap aboard and hitch a ride to greener pastures and watering holes as of yet unassailed by the abolitionists. They would try mingling unassumingly, always futilely, with the usually well dressed passengers aboard. Perhaps finding a cubby hole to hide in when the conductor rushes past, blustering and demanding his ticket.

Running alongside the dining car this day was a strangely familiar face, had elder Poillysquat gazed upon it. The small wizened frame capped with a pair of droopy eyes shielded only by gigantic, overhanging spectacles too large for his crown. The emaciated character scurried up the step ladder aware of the narrow window of opportunity open to him.

The hotel owner had left Yokel in a hurry, facing ruin with his lucrative property obliterated by a variety of factors; pachyderms, cannon shot and necromantic bread to name but a few. Facing also, decapitation from a pair of angry Mexican creditors who hadn't heard of his decision to sell up - nor did they receive money. Unfortunately as such the old man wasn't in much position to pay - given how the Auctioneer never got a promised bounty of zillion dollars.

Judicious use of a swordfish had made sure he wasn't paid, and certainly the owner never got his cut after ownership transferred to Beergut and the Cap'n. Not many people knew that he was gone, leaving under cover of dark, and with the last few dollars from the till stuffed in his pockets he had been reduced to the tactic which he so oft scoffed and berated his drunken or indebted, suitably hopeless patrons for attempting. Pathetic failure and scorpion stings their only mementos of the experience - of catching the express to the north-west during this tellingly stop-go leg of the journey.

Brushing himself down and grooming himself as if to do justice in a mere five seconds to two hellish days in the scorching sun and sand, and tip-toeing inside, he closed the shuttered door quietly behind him and pulled down the blind. No effort made either to hide the perspiration trickling down from his temples. He sighted someone in a Stetson hat, and immediately knew he'd happened on the bar, not being able to discern the nature of the carriage of course owing to a tiny stature, this landmark stood out from amongst the ordered chaos, and the clutter of baggage filling the aisle.

Clambering up onto a stool, his hands shaking, he produced a dollar bill following much fumbling extraction attempts in the nether-regions of his pockets thanks to the bout of jitters. All the time drawing furtive glances to his left, his right and his aft, the booming tone of an official seemed far away yet. He could relax for a fleeting few moments. A drink was in order.

"I ... I'll have what ever that'll get me ..." he muttered, he was presented with an alcoholic beverage that was more mug of frothy piss than brewed hops. He drank nonetheless. He really shouldn't have, it loosened a tongue a tad too much for the liking of a man when sober that strove to maintain an inconspicuous  profile. Small talk ensued with the one Thomas Poillysquat alongside him, who would have to ask that mundane question out of force of habit;

“Where do you hail from then?”

“Oh … me? I’m from Yokel” slapping himself, and cursing his lips the old man blushed. He’d been conned by the most coy and plain obvious trick in the Railtrack conductor’s handbook on dealing with stow-aways.

“It’s alright, it’s alright - I won’t tell anyone, and I’m sure Sammy here won’t tell the conductor, sure you won’t?” A twenty dollar bill was placed on the counter, and it won the affections of the bartender. He solemnly nodded and pocketed the tip, then mixed a white wine spritzer for the same pompous wench who was still in the vitriolic throes of a thrilling discourse on the nature of those opiate obsessed Mongoloid “characters”.

“Now, in return for the act of kindness the staff of both Railtrack and Poillysquat and Son Inc. have shown you I would like to ask you a few more pertinent questions. I‘m sure you won‘t mind” - Thomas saw the opportunity to dig deeper for some information regarding his brother, he didn‘t want to enter the fray unarmed.

“Did you say Poillysquat and Son Inc. sir?”

“Why, yes, yes I did - doubtless you’ve heard of us, or my brother J.W. to be more to the point”

“Sure, I’m a hotelier by trade - I put your brother up in a fine room indeed … reasonable price an‘ all”

Thomas silently slammed his fist down on the table, no less impotent with rage;

“You no-good sneaky sly son of a bitch, I know the west as well as my brother, and as well as any two-bit coon skin tracker looking to find gold. You probably  gutted him for as much money as you could get. Nottin’ but a big fat fish to you types, dotting to dusty roads every conveniently impassable   twenty miles with your rest-stops.”

“Well, he was fat alright, come to think of it …” - Thomas grabbed the old man by the scruff of the neck, and speedily brought his head to within an inch of the counter surface, stopping short of slamming him against it. He knew better than to get indicted for murder or assault, this wasn’t a tavern he could stride out of in a hurry.

“See here, I’ll have nobody disrespecting  any member of my family, least of all the fine man that is John William Poillysquat - you little greaseball”

“Well, yes, you are right, I shouldn’t be speaking ill of the dead”

“What?” Thomas screwed up his face in an apoplexy of incomprehension.

“Oh yes, J.W. only went and got cooked alive in my hotel when the fire took hold, at least that’s the story. Nobody’s seen a body, nobody I’ve been talking to anyway. They say he was low sick before that besides.”

“A fire?” Thomas relaxed his arm and let the old gent sit straight and regain some composure, then the entire sordid tale of the past few weeks of incredulous happenings in Yokel was divulged to him in bit by bit detail. Thankfully, they spoke in hushed tones. Nobody else aboard was alerted to the rather a tad too interesting news.

#17 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

  • Admin

Posted 27 July 2005 - 12:27 AM

"There!" said Morris with pride, clapping his hands together to get rid of the dust as he and Buzz stood back to admire their handywork.

"Not too shabby, is it?" asked Buzz, equally pleased with himself.

They had successfully pulled the wreckage from the tracks and it was now piled up on either side. The station was still damaged, but they had pulled all the broken bits down and added them to the piles. Morris had then fetched his supply of extra-large sand-coloured blankets, which, when thrown over the piles of rubble had caused them magically to become rather impressive, but uninteresting sand banks.

"Perfect, but what do we say if they ask why the station isn't all there?"

"Um, well, we could always tell them that the builders got so bored around here that they felt no train would ever actually want to stop here and so moved on further down the line in the hope of finding something interesting."

"Oooh, that might work. Say, didn't that voodoo lady come running this way to meet the train when it arrived? So she could show them the gold?"

"Erm... doesn't look like it."

"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#18 Insane Genius

Insane Genius

    Eye Gee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 27 July 2005 - 08:45 AM

"Excellent. Those cowboy/Yokelian people seem to be clearing up the interesting stuff. Now, i've got a job for us pirates to do - and anyone else is free to join us! It requires the aquisition of explosives, plenty of explosives!" Bergut announced,

"I think the towns been blown up enough." Observed Sarah, gesturing to the ruins of Yokel.

"We're not going to blow up the town, we're going to find that villain's house and blow it up!"

"But, I don't actually think anyone knows where she lives" Said Sarah, who didn't actually know who Patisserie was.

"I know where she hides out..." A voice came from behind them. It was Patisserie's sister, Boulangerie
(0 .. 0)


#19 Mississippi Kit

Mississippi Kit

    One step above Furries.

  • Members
  • Pip

Posted 27 July 2005 - 01:51 PM

Kit moped around He pulled off one of Ricco’s boots and stared at his bullet-ridden foot philosophically.

“This foot,” he said, “has done a lot of dancing.”

He hung his head tiredly, rubbing his eye with grey and dusty hands. Then, slinging the boot over his shoulder, he hobbled off in the direction of Buzz and Morris.

#20 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

    Doctor at Law

  • Admin

Posted 27 July 2005 - 08:58 PM

Meanwhile in a little coffee shop, Robolthwaite had summoned up the courage to make another pass at the coffee machine. He sauntered over to it, leaning on the counter a few feet away. He reached down and picked up a scatter cushion (these have ancient native American origins and whilst they wouldn't become popular for many decades they were around*).

"Hey baby," he drawled "Get comfortable,"

He threw the cushion at the coffee machine, which hit it and knocked off the lid of one of the pots.

"Ooh baby," said Robolthwaite raising an eyebrow "You do work quick, you naughty girl,"

He sauntered over and leant up against the machine. He looked it over and noticed a pot of sugar on top of it.

"You don't need this," he said, knocking the pot to the floor "You're sweet enough already!"

Robolthwaite, as if to prove this statement to himself, licked the machine. He frowned.

"Hmm. Actually you could do with some,"

He bent down and started sweeping up the sugar.

#21 Inflammable Jim

Inflammable Jim

    Overlooked by the Academy

  • Admin

Posted 27 July 2005 - 09:24 PM

Prof found himself alone, as he had not been for these last few days. What remained of Drex had been carted away. He thought back to the last thing anyone had said to him: "Do something boring to stop interesting things". It was proving harder than he had anticipated. Perhaps a quick recce was in order.
You know...we lost the first battle of the Chesapeake because of a mysterious...treacherous...Ankylosaurus

#22 TSP


    "The Don"

  • Members

Posted 28 July 2005 - 07:05 PM

“I don’t see her. Or the train,” Morris commented, craning his neck as he looked up the line. “Maybe she had to stop and do some emergency voodoo.”

“Look behind you,” Buzz suggested, causing Morris to snap around and spot the rapidly approaching train approaching the station from the other direction, which was careering its way towards them. Buzz straightened his jacket and cleared his throat. “Well here goes nothing. I’m a bartender, son, which means I’ve had a lot of experience listening to people’s distinctly uninteresting problems. Let me do the talking.”

The train gradually slowed, although with much of the station disguised as ordinary sand dunes, it came to a halt before it had fully reached its destination. The engine gave a loud hiss, and the breeze sweeping through dislodged one of the blankets, revealing an eye patch sporting pirate who had been speared on his own hook. Buzz immediately sped over there and sat down, firmly securing the blanket against any further displacement.

People began to slowly disembark, and make their way towards Buzz and Morris. First among them was a very smartly dressed man in a pinstripe suit with a monocle.

“Here it comes then. I sure hope everybody is doing a good job of covering up everything,” Buzz mumbled. “This would be a really bad time for ninjas to show up.”

The pinstripe suited man peered oddly at Buzz. “What did you say, lad?”

Buzz briefly panicked. “I said this would be a really bad time for Nun Jass to shut up. She runs the local convent, has some fascinating anecdotes about chanting, but the nuns frequently have periods of silence that stretch on for days. Sometimes the whole town joins in.”

The pinstripe suited man smiled. “Well, ain’t that something.”

“Welcome to Yokel,” Buzz said in the most monotone and unenthusiastic way possible. “I’m Bu – rt, yes, Burt, the local bartender,” Buzz recovered quickly from his near slip up. Buzz sounded far too exciting a name.

The pinstripe suited man offered his hand out, but Buzz remained seated on the sand dune camouflage blanket, unable to move. “Sorry, I’d better remain sitting. Came down with a bad spate of something terrible. Doc, er, Dim, the town doctor, said it’s the most rare and exotic illness he’s come across in twenty years of practicing medicine in the Yokel area. Flu, or something.”

#23 Insane Genius

Insane Genius

    Eye Gee

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPipPipPip

Posted 28 July 2005 - 07:21 PM

Beergut, Eddie, Mac, Safe-hands, Will and Gem all headed towards the last standing warehouse where, they were informed by Boulangerie, there was a stock pile of sutiabe explosives.

As they left, Beergut gestured to the others to join them if they so wished - there was still time.

As the rag-tag group of pirates entered the warehouse, Beergut caught sight of the train, having stopped at the station.

He ran in to the others, "The train-folk Patisserie was talking about are here! We can't let any of them know what we're doing - its too interesting. We need to find a completely uninteresting way of smuggling explosives out..."
(0 .. 0)


#24 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

  • Admin

Posted 28 July 2005 - 07:30 PM

"Flu? Oh dear me," said a rather smartly dressed woman coming up behind the monocled man, "Should you be in bed?"

"What for?" asked Buzz,

"I thought you were meant to have plenty of rest when you had the flu?"

"Oh well, I don't need to worry about that. I get nothing but rest here in Yokel. I'm a bar tender see, so most of the time I just sit down polishing glasses. I'm hopeful that one day I might even get to put whiskey in one!"

As Buzz went on to the ever growing crowd on the station, Kit sauntered up from the town.

"Howdy," he said to Morris in a stereotypical manner that I'm sure hasn't been used this entire Tale, "How's it going?"

"Looks like Buzz is managing okay. He's making even me think I don't want to be here."

"But you don't want to be here."

"No, I want to be here. I just wish the town wasn't. How's the clean up going?"

"Slowly. I figured I'd come help with the stalling."

"Hmm, not sure that's a good idea. I mean, you are rather interesting, aren't you."

This put a rather large grin on Kit's face, sticking is thumbs through his gun belt he said, "Yeah, I guess I am. Being the Seventy-Third Best Gunslinger in the West, n all."

"Ooh! A gunfighter!" said a pretty young lady with blonde curls and a shockingly pink dress, "Have you been in many fights?!"

If Kit knew who Indiana Jones he would have tried to look like that right about now, "Sure thing little lady," he grined, dragging out more of those cliches, "In fact, I've been in a great couple right here in Yokel."

"Really?" asked a tall man with a fiddly moustache.

"Oh hell yeah!" said Kit, who Morris was now looking at with growing horror (You know, like how Stuey looks at Brian in the first episode of the new Family Guy series, when they're talking to the news reader and Brian, trying not to mention his kid's upside down head says "...it's turned his whole world upside down face").

"I've been fighting with the locals, this big crew of pirates, these invading Indians, I had a show down with an elephant, oh yeah and there were all these zombies too!" boasted Kit.

Over on the other side of the platform Buzz was noticing that despite his best efforts the crowd was starting to talk excitedly amongst themselves and most of them were looking away from him... and towards Kit, who was waving his hands in the air excitedly, possibly mimicing a giant stompy robot, and Morris, who was crouched back against the wall of the station, hands clamped firmly over his face.

"Well that's torn it."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#25 Guest_garretsdthief4me_*

  • Guests

Posted 28 July 2005 - 09:57 PM

Thomas Poillysquat alighted from the train with a purpose in his step, and the hotel owner's collar firmly in the vice-tight grip of his clenched fist. Dumping the midget on the platform, and then rubbing his hands clean with satisfaction he assured the wizened old coot that should he ever clap eyes on him again, then the burly Latin bloods wouldn't be his only worry. Pumped dry of information, and from the look of his face, stanched of blood also, the slightly dazed ingrate and fallen philantropist turned and fled into the hazy distance. He certainly wasn't going to stand for being dumped in Yokel once more.

Thomas had heard the whole story, such as it was, being more a sequence of destruction, beginning with the jailhouse and graduating to the hotel. J.W. had contested a bitter property war with a Briton audacious enough to presume the scars of 1812 healed over and that he could practice US Law, and so it seemed that J.W.'s ownership of 49% of the hamlet (accrued in the most aggresive spate of purchasing possible) had terminated amid the angry grating of canines, and slosh of salivary juice of the local quack's hound. The rival "Olthwaite" canny enough to produce a document handing him 100% control, but the dog's hunger, and the strange way that noisy draughts toy with documents in rather tall towers, combined with a hail of dwarves launching lethal cookie detritus had taught him the parable of those golden eggs and one fragile basket.

Poillysquat himself meeting an end in a fierce blaze that finally consumed the hotel, the circumstances of which were never established. Through all of this, there had been Sarah Sillich, and the rumour of lascivious scandal - quite how she battled against the dual foes of elephant pygmie riders and his brother's notoriously dogged affections remained a mystery to Thomas. He decided on the spot, with not a little rubbing of his chin, graced as it was with a perfectly groomed goatee, that she was deserved of another Poillysquat envoy, like Queen Sheeba was graced with the court of many a king. He broke from the remainder of the well-dressed flock, and the buzz of excited conversation; skating down a cargo ramp, stole out of the railyway depot undetected by friend, foe or coloured fowl that hungered for crackers.

"You! Boy! Where might I find the town hall?" - the newspaper crier shrugged, and marked out a stump of a building, mostly ashes. The search was going to prove trying.