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The Team Evil Christmas Special


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#1 Elihu

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Posted 24 December 2014 - 07:22 PM

Fictional Charles Dickens threw his pen at the wall.

'D-mn!' He swore. 'Another Fictional Mann Booker Prize-winning novel!'

'Is there a problem, sir?' said a servant, as he scurried to pick up the fallen pen.

'Yes, Perkins,' said Dickens. 'Try as I might, I just can't can't seem to write a heartwarming Christmas story that will be told and retold for hundreds of years to come, and which one day will be adapted into the definitive Muppet movie.'

'Sounds like you have... Wait for it... Great expectations, sir,' said Perkins, jollily.

And that's actually how that book was written. But first...

'What is that heavenly sound?' said Dickens, gesturing to the window in his study.

Festive music drifted through the open window.

'Ding ding merrily we three kings dreaming of a white Christmas obligatory Cliff Richard song,' came the singing, indiscriminately.

'Carollers? At Christmas? A Christmassy Caroller?' said Dickens. 'Perkins! I have a new idea for a Yuletide story! I'll call it...'

'Bleak house!' said Perkins, 'A tale of two cities! Hard times! I can't remember the titles of any of your other books!'

'No!'

Fictional Charles Dickens waved his arms wildly in the air.

'Santa! Colon! Begin italics! International jewel thief! End italics!'

....


SANTA: INTERNATIONAL JEWEL THIEF


...


Santa gobbled down the mince pie and downed the Port on the mantlepiece.

He took a step back and admired the painting above the fireplace. Like all great art, it was of a man on a horse on a ship.

With a gloved hand, Santa reached behind the frame and flicked a hidden switch.

The painting swung noiselessly out on its hinges, revealing a locked safe.

Santa strummed his beard.

'Ho, ho, ho.' he chuckled to himself.

He reached into his sack of gifts and pulled out a state of the art magical laser-cutter, which he used to burn through the safe's door.

He snatched the diamond inside, expertly assessment its colour, cut and clarity, before making for the chimney - but not before leaving his calling card: a sack full of toys for the little boys and girls.

There was a sound behind him: the sound of a Christmas decoration crushed underfoot.

Santa froze.

He turned to see a small child standing under the Christmas tree, looking at him, eyes as wide as moons.

Santa grinned and put on his designer sunglasses. From nowhere, a slick 70s beat kicked in.

He raised a cautionary finger to his lips.

The jolly red man pulled a grappling hook from his utility belt and fired it up the chimney, latching it on to the sleigh waiting directly above.

He tapped the button on his belt and the rope snapped taunt, whisking him up the chimney.

The child's eyes widened still further. Briefly, it considered calling its parents, before quickly turning its attention to the possibilities presented by the dozens of wrapped parcels now placed under the tree.

With quiet deliberation, and with tongue firmly stuck out in concentration, it began to unwrap the ribbon on the largest one.

...

'Ho, ho, ho!' rumbled Santa as the sleigh sped through the night towards its next target. 'A good haul tonight, Rudolf! And now to remove my brilliant disguise!'

He pulled off his fake white beard to reveal another white beard of exactly the same shape below.

'Umlaut?'

Santa spun in his seat to see two shadowy figures sitting behind him.

'I don't know who you are or how you got here, but I'll tell you what I once told my college philosophy professor: Santa shoots first and asks questions later!' said Santa, reaching for his .9mm crossbow.

'Don't Shoot!' said the first.

'That's what he said!' said Santa, cocking the crossbow.

'Umlaut!' pleaded the second figure.

'Wimping out of being shot, huh?' said Santa, grimly. 'Then you leave me no choice... Run, run, Rudolph!'

Santa cut the reins, turning the reindeer free and sending the sleigh into a spiralling death dive.

'I'm an immortal frost giant and experienced BASE jumper!' he roared, as the wind howled about him. 'How about you?!'

'Enough Of This Foolishness!' snapped the first shadowy figure. 'Emergency Temporal Shift!'

There was a blur of energy.

The sleigh and everything in it blinked out of existence, leaving a few embarrassed particles that hung around in the falling snow for a moment before slinking off in separate directions.

The sleigh re-materialised in a schoolyard at the North Pole, four hundred years ago.

'Egads ' cried Santa. 'My old school! Santa is having a flashback - to the past!'

'We Are The Evil Ghosts Of Christmas Past,' said the first figure, waving its hands around spookily.

'Umlaut!' cried the second figure, a gigantic berserker warrior with a beard as large as a Christmas tree.

Santa slowly lowered his crossbow.

'I Am Kytheres ''Why Must I Choose A Monicker I Am Above Such Mortal Concerns Middle Name'' The Fiendish,' said the first figure, 'And This Is My Evil Associate, Ike ''The Hammererer of Morganstein, The Greatest, The Great Viking Hope, Better Than The Godfather Part II, Quote Unquote Stravinsky's Firebird Suite'' Hammermorgan.'

'Umlaut!' protested Ike.

'No, Ike, Ma'Skd Said You Could Only Have A Maximum Of Five Awesome Middle Names,' said Kytheres.

Ike hung his head sadly.

'What's this all about?' asked Santa. 'Why have you kidnapped Santa and brought him to the past? Santa wishes only for for the happy New Year! Just like it says in every Christmas card!'

'We Have Been Sent By The Assassins League To Warn You: Change Your Ways,' said Kytheres the Fiendish. 'Turn Away From The Path Of Good!'

'Umlaaaauuuttt...' said Ike, waving his arms descriptively.

'I'm already pretty evil,' said Santa. 'I just robbed fictional Vegas! And I'm wearing the Koh I-Noor as a bauble. On my hat! Look! Shiny!'

'Hmm,' said Kytheres. 'What We Do In The Past Changes The Present And The Future. It's Just Like Last Week When I Went Back In Time To Terminate Ike's Grandfather.'

'Umlaut?'

'Time travel..?' asked Santa, his voice trailing off. He saw, in the playground, a big kid in a red hat, scarf and mittens beating up a smaller kid for his lunch money.

'That's me beating up Tiny Tim for his lunch money' he said, thoughtfully.

'Ah, So You Were Already Evil As A Child? Excellent!' said Kytheres, cackling evilly, 'This Is The Exact Opposite Of What Happened With The Easter Bunny!'

'Umlaut!' nodded Ike, enthusiastically.

A frown crossed Santa's normally untroubled features.

'Why would I do that?' he asked himself. 'It was funny at the time. But looking back...
Santa... Santa was a big bully!'

Kytheres looked at Ike worriedly.

'Er,' he said. 'Emergency Temporal Shift?'

A blur of light.

Santa blinked in the light of the moon. He was, he realised, back on his sleigh at the exact moment he had vanished into the past, only the two men had disappeared.

'It looks like Santa must ponder his life-choices,' he said glumly.

'OoooooOooooOoooo...' said a nearby voice. 'I am Ma'Skd! The ghost of Christmas Present! Don't pay attention to the previous two morons! Oooooo!'


#2 Masked Dave

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Posted 26 December 2014 - 02:10 PM

Santa, the immortal frost giant, strapped on his parachute. The wind whipped ferociously past his face, his beard flapping behind him as the sleigh resumed it's death spiral.

"Are you sure you won't come?!" he shouted over the roar, "Only I'm trying to turn over a new leaf here!"

Ma'Skd stuck his head up briefly, "I told you, I'm the Spirit of Christmas Present!"  he turned back to the large sack on the back of the sleigh, "And I'm not leaving till I've found mine!"

Santa sighed as he watched the master assassin, as he'd introduced himself,  dive headfirst into the infinite sack of holding.

"Well, " he said grabbing the neck of the sack and closing it, "can't exactly leave this behind can I?"

And with that he jumped from the sleigh.
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#3 Masked Dave

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Posted 27 December 2014 - 12:45 AM

"Aha, found it!" cried Ma'Skd triumphantly appearing out of the bag waving what was clearly a very deadly looking dagger, however much the brightly coloured paper with cartoon snowmen was trying to offset it.

"Plus 5 to backstabbing, exactly what I wanted!" he said with glee as he tore the paper off and admired the evil green glint to the metal in the winter sunlight.

"Glad I could be of assistance," said Santa.

"See, that's your problem right there."

"What?"

"Always giving people what they want! It's far too Good and it's making it much harder for the Association of Registered Societies for Evil Schemes to keep their side of the the Good/Evil balance up. Where are we anyway?"

Ma'Skd leapt out of the sack and felt the snow crunch beneath his feet, glad he'd thought to wear his fur-lined robes for this adventure.

Santa shook his head, "We are in the frozen Northern wastes, near to the nexus junction for all interdimensional travel, follow me and we can get somewhere warm."

"I thought you were a frost giant?"

"Doesn't mean I don't enjoy a nice cup of tea in front of the fire."

"Fair enough, lead on."

They trudged through the thick snow, progress slowed by Ma'Skd repeated attempting to prove that he could walk lightly over the surface without leaving a print, and repeatedly failing.

"I'm sure I used to be able to do this. Or maybe that was a dream."

"Look why are you even here?"

"I told you-"

"Yes, the presents. But they are just a cover for my international jewellery thievery. A distraction so people don't notice what's been taken until too late. Surely the Associated Registered Evil whatsits can understand that?"

"Association of Registered Societies for Evil Schemes, just call us ARSES."

"Gladly."

"Put it this way, after buying all the gifts, how much net profit do you even get from the jewels you steal?"

"Oh I don't buy the presents."

"You don't?"

"No,  look we're nearly at the Nexus, let me show you the elf sweatshop and you'll understand."

"You mean workshop?"

"I know what I mean."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#4 Masked Dave

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 12:44 AM

They descended the cold stone steps into the interdimensional nexus, which opened up into a massive cavern stretching out apparently infinitely in either direction.

"Haven't had to use this in years, those reindeer don't come cheap you know. Bastard things to try and hunt as well."

"Hey, don't look at me, that happened before I got here."

"Right, well, follow me."

Santa pushed open a door in the wall that Ma'Skd could swear wasn't there before and ushered him through. He stepped into a massive warehouse, filled with the deafening sounds and smells of industry. Furnaces, blacksmith's at anvils, carpenters and joiners sawing and hamering, mages casting powerful enchantments. And at the end of the warehouse, huge piles of loot. Ma'Skd's eyes glistened.

"It's beautiful," he whispered.

A large, elegant elf in grand green robes pushed passed him and he noticed more identically dressed elves all around the upper gantry they were standing on, watching the work below, checking things off on clipboards. Each was armed with a nasty looking whip.

Looking down as well Ma'Skd saw that all of the work being done was by hordes of small, strong creatures.

"Are they... Orc-Mice?"

"Yes, you know of them? Very rare cross bread."

"I have a passing  acquaintance with one, yes. And these all work for you?"

"No, they work for the elves."

"And the elves work for you?"

"No, I just by the presents off them and use them to fence the jewels I bring back."

"So do the Orc-Mice get paid out of this deal?"

Santa paused for a second, "You know, I've never thought about it."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#5 Masked Dave

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Posted 29 December 2014 - 01:14 AM

He really never had, and as Santa looked now over the toiling masses below he saw that many were beaten, starving, clearly sleep deprived.

Ma'Skd was running up and down point out all the abuses with glee but Santa just stood, staring glumly down, not even hearing him.

"What have I done?" he muttered under his breath.

The head elf, one Bobarthio Kra'Chet approached him down the gantry.

"Back a little early tonight, aren't we Mr. Claus?"

"Was unfortunately interrupted half way through the rounds. Managed to keep hold of the un-given presents and the loot I'd collected though, but the sleigh and reindeer are gone."

"Ooh dear. That will hurt this year's cut now won't it. We'll have to let some of the staff," he smiled cruelly, two jagged rows of sharp teeth leering out of this blood red lips, "go."

"Why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Put the emphasis on the word "go" like that?"

"I don't know what you mean," smiled the head elf again, "we just have overheads to meet."

"You just licked your lips that time."

"Did I?"

"Yes, now look, I don't think we need to be too hasty. The night is still young, I still have the sack of holding and you have a spare sleigh, right?"

Ma'Skd came running up hurriedly, "Wait, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Santa, pushing out his stomach, pulling his hat tightly onto his head and standing proudly, "There's still time to save Christmas!"

"Oh fuck," said Ma'Skd, "Kytheres!" He yelled out to the skies, "Time for phase 3!".
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#6 Schtroumpf

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Posted 05 January 2015 - 07:35 PM

Santa burst out of the hanger, tightly gripping the reins of the spare sleigh and reindeer.  He had got so caught up in thrill of being an international jewel thief that the consequences hadn't really caught up with him. Santa wasn't evil, he told himself. He'd just been selfish.  He had but one choice; the charade of the benevolent and kind public face of Santa had to become the real Santa.  He had to change.  He had to undo all those years of...

"Sudden and Unexpected Temporal vortex Shift!"

Suddenly and not so unexpectedly a temporal vortex shift appeared in the sky right in front of the speeding sleigh.  There was a flash and the sound of breaking glass and suddenly the sleigh was on the other side and travelling as though nothing had happened.

Santa looked around.  Everything seemed in order.  There were no fires.  The reindeer hadn't mutated into screaming clouds of antagonistic fury.  Things were looking up.  That was until he noticed the tiny robed figure standing next to him.  It was clothed head to tail in a dirty grey robe which obscured the face completely.

"Oh, bloody hell.  Another one of  you."

The figure nodded, solemnly.

"I suppose you're here to tell me to change my ways too?"

The figure nodded briefly, paused then shook his head.  It then shrugged and held it's finger up in the 'give me a sec' position.

"Damnit", the figure finally spoke.  "It's hard to be all silently ominous and foreboding if the only things you can do are say yes, no or point."

"I Still THink It's the best Way to Go", A voice called over the sky.  "Stick With It".

"How do you say 'that depends on whether you're changing to be good or evil' in only body movements?"  The robed figure asked the disembodied voice.

There was only silence.

"That's what I thought.  Anyway..." The figure pulled down it's hood, "As I was saying; Are you planning on turning good or evil?  I wasn't given many notes and things seem to be a bit confused."  Halifax enquired after Santa.

Santa looked down at the Orc-Mouse.  "I am sorry for your brethren.  I am sorry I was so blind to their peril.  I promise I will help you rescue them"

Halifax paused again.  "Rescue who-now?  Does someone want to catch me up?"

Santa's heart sank further as he explained the orc-mice's predicament to Halifax.  Saying it all out loud really brought home to him the suffering he had caused.  His mind passed to all the poor families waking up on Christmas day to find their wealth gone.  As an immortal frost giant he had considered the well being and happiness of mortal beings beneath him.  But no more.  He would devote his life to making mortals happy on every Christmas here on, but only after he had set the orc-mice free.

Halifax leapt onto the top of the sleigh.  "TO THE NORTH POLE!  400 YEARS AGO!"

"Um", Santa said, "400 years ago?"

"Oh yeah, that temporal shift took us to the future where I was supposed to show you how sickeningly happy everyone would be if you didn't turn evil.  But we'll get back to that in a minute.  KYTHERES!"

Santa looked down at the homes they were flying over.  People were happy?  Because of him?  Millions of people were laughing and hugging all because of him?  Every feeling of elation that he had felt from stealing was completely obliterated by what he felt in that moment before the temporal shift opened up and took the sleigh back to the present.

"CHHARRRRRGE!  TEAAAMMMMM EVVILLLL" Halifax yelled as the sleigh burst through the hanger doors straight into the Elf controlled sweatshop.  He lept from the sleigh and drew his long sword.  He pointed at the first elf he saw.  "Prepare for the most awesome fight scene montage of your life!"

*    *    *

Fictional Charles Dickens pulled his pen back from the paper. He'd never written a battle scene before.  He looked down at the servant that was acting as his table.  "Never mind.  I'll come back and fill this bit in before publication."

*    *    *

"You're right."  Said a dying elf, "That really was the most awesome fight scene montage ever.  I am happy to have been a part of it."

All around Santa, Orc-mice were cheering and crying.  "Thank you mysterious Christmas ghosts," A small tear appeared on Santa's cheeks as he spoke, "I promise from this day forward I will change my ways."

"Hurrah!" Yelled Halifax.

"Yes, from this day forward I will be the nicest, greatest, kindest and bestest person the world has ever seen!  I will use the interdimensional nexus to undo every wrong I have committed since the dawn of time!"

"Bugger".

"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down."


#7 Elihu

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Posted 08 January 2015 - 02:18 PM

'Thank you for showing me the true meaning of Christmas, Team Evil!' cried Santa.

Team Evil watched as Saint Nick disappeared into a sky full of twinkling stars.

‘Any minute now there’s going to be a shooting star,' said Ma'Skd, in a blank monotone. ‘And then we’ll be royally screwed.’

There was a shooting star.

‘There it is.’

'Umlaut.'

'You Know,” said Kytheres, thoughtfully, ‘Perhaps This Was For The Best.’

‘Kytheres is right,' said Halifax. 'Christmas is bad enough as it is. Every year, millions of people scrimp and save for months before leaving work at the last possible minute and rushing to an overcrowded shopping centre to buy a bunch of useless crap that no one really needs, and then they have to spend what little spare time they have wrapping up presents for other people, even though they know that the person they’re giving the presents to already knows what they are!”

“Umlaut!” said Ike.

“Right! And you have to spend exactly the same amount of money as everyone else. So no one really gets ahead. It’s all just one big circle of crap. And you know what people always say when they open their gift?'

'It's just what I always wanted,' chorused Team Evil.

'Except they don't mean it,' said Halifax. 'And you have to spend time with your family, which is great until someone brings out the Monopoly board and Uncle Halifax starts talking about how immigrants are ruining the country and does his special racist joke. And everyone except you laughs because your family is basically awful. The truth is, Christmas is hell. It's the most evil of all holidays. We were wrong to ever try and mess with it in the first place.'

'That's well said, Halifax,' said Ma'Skd, nodding firmly. 'And I'm sure if we explain it to the Assassins League in that way they will totally under-'


24 hours later


'Imprison them for a thousand years in the Ghost Zone!' shouted the Chief Assassin, striking down his Assassin Gavel.

'...stand,' said Ma'Skd. 'Wow, I can't believe I didn't finish that thought before now.'

'Team Evil,' said the Chief Assassin, 'for your total incompetence we have decreed that you will be stripped of your corporeal forms and imprisoned in the Ghost Zone. Before I continue to describe the Ghost Zone, have any of you seen Superman 2?'

Tentative raised hands from Team Evil.

'It's like that,' said the Chief Assassin.

Glum looks from Team Evil.

'I'm going to hit this big red button now and send you to the Ghost Zone,' said the Chief Assassin. 'By the way, do you want to know what I got for Christmas?'

He raised his hand over the button.

'Socks.'

He slammed his hand down on the button.

Team Evil were sucked into a group of two-dimensional black holes and spirited out of existence.

The Chief Assassin stared moodily in the general direction of the North Pole.

I asked for a Lego pirate ship, you jolly red bastard,’ the Chief Assassin said, grimly.



Aaaaaaaa-oh!”

Ma’Skd landed on soft, warm sand.

He immediately sprung to his feet and adopted Assassins Cool Martial Arts Pose III The Cross Dragon, which he had once seen in an instructional book that he had checked out of a public library but never finished.

He was in a tropical paradise.

The rest of Team Evil were standing on the beach looking out at the sea. The waves, gentle and warm, were breaking on the sun-kissed sand.

For some reason they were all dressed in Hawaiian-patterned shorts and t-shirts. Kytheres appeared to be wearing a floral wreath.

“Er,” he said. “What’s going on?”

“Something’s gone wrong again!” said Halifax, excitedly. “Only this time, it’s gone wrong right!

“Umlaut? Umlaut umlaut?”

“Of course this isn’t the Ghost Zone!” said Halifax. “It’s… it’s…”

“The South Pole,” said Ma’Skd, blinking in the sun. “We’re at the South Pole.”

Pure delight spread over his face.

"Someone comprehensively screwed up," he said. "And for once it wasn't us."

“I thought the South Pole was an Antarctic wasteland?” said Halifax, dipping his tones tentatively into the ocean. It was warm and welcoming. Bathe in me, it seemed to say. Lend me your troubles and let them melt away.

“Of course not,” said Ma’Skd. “Everyone knows it’s warmer down south.”

There was the squawk of a parrot.

“Help, This Parrot Has Brought Me A Banana Daiquiri,” said Kytheres, panicked. “I Do Not Like Banana Daiquiris.”

“Welcome to the South Pole Resort and Spa, sirs!” said the parrot, brightly. “I see that you will be staying with us for quite some time.”

“We will?” said Ma’Skd. “I mean… we will!”

The parrot squawked in delight and looked at its notes.

“Wonderful. We will get you checked into our nine-star hotel as soon as possible. It is, of course, the best hotel in the world. Will you all be wanting the complimentary hot-tub, massage and beachside barbeque? It’s complimentary. I understand that the bill will be passed to... the Assassins Guild.”

Team Evil stood on the beach.

They looked out at the ocean, as the sun began to set.

“Merry Christmas, guys,” said Ma’Skd, as the parrot passed him a complimentary tropical fruit punch with a curly straw and a multi-coloured sparkler.

“Merry Christmas.”