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Team Evil Rides Again

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#1 Schtroumpf


    Swashbuckling Boat Mage

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Posted 10 February 2017 - 02:20 PM

Team Evil sat at the pool bar, having finished a morning of massage and were feeling very relaxed.

"Another Round of these Fermented Fruit Flavoured beverages."  Kytheres waved an empty glass vaguely towards the parrot behind the bar.

"Squawk!  Certainly, but first there is the matter of, um, the bill."

"Oh, that's fine.  Just put it all on the tab that the guild is picking up and fill this glass up."  Halifax pushed an empty glass that was twice as tall as he was across the bar.

"I'm afraid, SQUAWK!, that the assassins guild is no longer picking up the tab, and, SQUAWK!, hasn't been for some time it appears."  The parrot tried to look as serious as a bird could.  "The bill has become quite, squawk!, large I'm afraid.  I'll just print it out and we can sort this o...."

"EMERGENCY TEMPORAL VORTEX SHIFT!"  As Kytheres had taken quite a shine to the banana daiquiris, his aim was a little off and Team Evil dropped a few feet onto the cobbles of a street.

"Skipping out on the bill.  Nice!"  Halifax raised his hand for a high five but Kytheres just looked confused then awkwardly waved back.

"That 9 star hotel was good an' all, but it is nice to be back home"  Ma'Skd commented. "Nothing quite beats the dark, seedy underbelly of a hive of scum and villianary." Ma'Skd had really enjoyed a play put on by the staff of the hotel, The Adventures of Luke Starkiller and had been quoting it none stop since.


"You're right, Ike.  Things do seem a little brighter than usual."  Halifax looked up.  "Is...is that the....sun?"

"I do remember there being a little more smog." Ma'Skd took a long, deep breath to test the air. "Something is defintely wrong.  That should've killed me, or at the very least given me severe tuberculosis."

"Damnit Kytheres, you've brought us to an alternative universe!"


"Yeah. Again!"

Kytheres licked his finger and held it up to the wind.  "This Is the Correct Universe."

***   ***   ***   ***

Team Evil had decided that the one place that wouldn't change, the one place they could guarantee would still have evil seeping from the very walls would be the assassins guild.  Unfortuantely when they arrived, something was very wrong.

"The Reformed Assassin"  Ma'Skd read the sign above the door.

"It's a cafe?" Halifax noted all the tables spilling out onto the pavement.  Indeed all the tables seemed to full of happy customers, all chatting and laughing and generally having a lovely time.

"Maybe all The Food is Poisoned?", Kytheres looked around hopefully for corpses.

Their train of thought was ruined as what looked the proprietor greeted them.  "Gentlemen!  Table for 4?  I'm afraid we have a bit of a wait as it's qu....".  His greeting trailed off as recognition appeared on his face.

Ma'Skd placed his hand on the hilt of his weapon. "Um, Guild Master?"

"Ma'Skd!  You're back!  Good to see you old chum!  How the devil are you?  Terribly sorry for that whole trying to send you to the ghost zone thing.  Still.  Worked out okay for you in the end eh!"  The guild master chuckled to himself.  But not one of those I'm going to enjoy watching you slowly die as rats eat you from the inside laughs, it was rather more the kindly laugh an old man does when a baby tries to grab his nose.


The guild master looked across at Ike.  "Ah yes, I suppose this would be a little confusing for you.  You see, turns out paying for 4 people, all expenses, at the worlds nicest hotel is quite expensive.  By the time we noticed that you weren't infact, in the ghost zone, our already empty coffers were somehow now even emptier.  You basically bankrupted the assassins guild and we had to close."

Ma'Skd was feeling conflited.  That sounded like an evil thing to do, but he wasn't getting that happy feeling in his stomach like normal.

"Unfortunately", the guild master continued, "The fall of the assassins guild also brought down the thieves guild, the beggars guild, the ruffians guild, all the loan sharks and the mafia."

"The gambling dens are still going though, right?"  Halifax didn't sound hopeful.

"Nope!  All gone", the guild master said cheerfully.

"You Would be Quite Angry?" , Kytheres asked.  He still hadn't got the hang of emotions but was pretty sure he was right.

"Oh sure!  Furious!", the guild master said cheerily again. "If we had had the money we'd have all been on a ship to the south pole and murdered you all in the most painful, brutal way possible."

Ma'Skd tightened his grip on his sword and moved it in the scabbard slightly.  The guild master noticed this.

"Oh come now, friend.  We're passed all that.  We started up this cafe intially just to pay the bills, but it turned out we were actually really good at it and we really enjoy the work.  It's a lot less stressful and we all have time to pursue other hobbies.  I've taken up clog dancing!"

"The most evil of all the dancing?"  Halifax again didn't sound hopeful.

"No, that's The Rumba" Kytheres helpfully joined in.

It was at this point that Ma'Skd noticed that all the staff were former assassins guild members.  Gurdlag the Ferocious was currently clearing tables and chatting with customers and Trodalk Bonecrusher was behind the counter making what, even from this distance, Ma'Skd could tell were the lightest, tastiest cupcakes in the whole city.

"The land is just much happier.  You can walk down the street without being murdered.  Gangs of orphans don't crowd you and steal your coin purse.  If you bump into someone in the pub you just apologise and move on.  Royalty can spend their day ruling their kingdoms instead of fearing betrayal from siblings or evil visiers.  The streets are clean.  Disease and plagues have almost been wiped out.  Universal healthcare has been introduced and schools are now paid for by the state."  The guild master ticked off each statement on his fingers and with each one, Ma'Skd had dropped lower to his knees.

"Yup", The guild master smiled again.  "Things are just pretty good around here now".

Ma'Skd threw his head back and raised his arms to the sky "Khhhaaaaaaannnnn!".*

*The hotel staff had also put on a play called Trekking Through the Stars which Ma'Skd had really enjoyed too.

"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down."

#2 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

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Posted 11 February 2017 - 10:56 AM

"To be fair, these cupcakes are delicious," said Halifax, pulling chunks out a cupcake nearly as tall as him.

"Umlaut!" agreed Ike.

"And This Coffee With Frothy Milk Is Very Pleasant."

The team were now sat around one of the small, tastefully decorated tables within the café. The Guild Master, seeing they were a bit down about things, had offered them all a free cup of coffee and cake while they got their bearings. Ma'Skd had started openly weeping at that point.

Now he sat with his head slumped on the table while the others enjoyed their drinks. This was all wrong. Generica had been his home for a long time now, it had been the perfect balance of vice, crime and poverty with enough of a wealthy elite to take the edge off and give the Middle Classes something to aspire to. It wasn't the firey hell of a pure evil empire, which got a bit tiring after a while, instead it was like living on a knife edge. Sure, some people had slipped and been cut by it, but others had found life and happiness. And they'd always had someone who needed killing along the way.

"This has the go," he finally said, still with his head down.

"What was that?" asked Halifax.

"Guys," said Ma'Skd lifting his head up to stare at his friends with his most sincere, convincing look, "we're going to make Generica great again!"
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#3 Schtroumpf


    Swashbuckling Boat Mage

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 11:05 AM

"I'm going to run for President of Generica!"  He exclaimed after nobody had reacted to his previous statement.

"Mfffruuurhphog ffffggglohirr?"  Halifax sprayed cupcake everywhere. Mostly over Ma'Skd who didn't notice as he was too busy staring into the distance.

"Think about it." Ma'Skd proclaimed.  "The reason everything has gone wrong here is because there's no assassins guild.  They don't have any money.  We don't have any money.  But the government has loads!  If someone 'friendly' in power could divert funds to the guild then it could start up again."  He was now leaning over the table conspiratorially.  A pad and pencil had somehow appeared out of his robes and he was starting to take notes.

"Halifax can run as Vice President as he'll have the minority vote tied up."  Ma'Skd continued.  "Vice as in deputy.  Not that other kind."  He explained to Halifax, just in case. "We'll need a catchy slogan too!"

"Vote for Ma'Skd or we'll kill you!", Halifax said.  “And our logo can be me punching someone in the face.  With a sword!”  He helpfully made a stabbing motion with his arm just so everyone undersood.

“Umlaut, umlaut umlaut.  Umlaut?”

“Yes, thank you Ike. I'm glad someone understands.  That sort of thing isn't going to work anymore.”  Ma'Skd knew Halifax would take some learning but he wasn't really convinced the others would have picked it up so quickly.  “We need some policies that will appeal to voters.”

“I know A Spell that Can Peel The skin from a Man?”  Kytheres helpfully suggested.

Ma'Skd took a deep breath.  Maybe the others hadn't picked it up so quickly after all.  He mentally counted to 10 and then took another breath.  “We need policies that will make people vote us.  Things that people actually want.”

“Free Banana Daiquiris for Everyone.” Kytheres took a sip from his to try to prove his point.

“Closer.  That's definitely closer.”  Ma'Skd tried to remain positive.

“Where did he even get that drink?”  Halifax asked Ike.  “And anyway.  All this sounds a bit good for my liking.  Are you turning good?”  He narrowed his eyes.

“We don't have to follow through with these promises.  Once we start up the assassins guild again everyone will be fearing for their lives too much to notice a few false promises.”  This might actually work, thought Ma'Skd.  We might actually pull this off.

Ike raised his hand, “Umlaut?”

“Good question Ike.”  Ma'Skd pointed at him.  “You will be Press Secretary, which means you talk to the newspapers, not crush people.”  He quickly added.  “Kytheres you can have campaign manager.”

“How Do We know There are Even elections Soon?”

“Elections!  Elections in two weeks!  Elections for President of Generica!  Re-Elect President Gu De-Guy! 4 more years!”  Yelled a town crier from the square.


"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down."

#4 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

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Posted 16 February 2017 - 02:32 PM

"So, step one, assassinate the opposition."

"That Is Always Your Step One."

"It make sense!"


"Yeah! Isn't the point of this to win the election? Not seize power?"

"Sure, but we'd be an unknown running against a popular incumbent who has over seen the rise of peace and prosperity to the land. We'd have no chance."

"Fine, lets go murder a politician. How difficult can it be?"
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#5 Schtroumpf


    Swashbuckling Boat Mage

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 05:12 PM


"No, Ike.  We can't just straight up stab him.  Imagine how suspicious it would be if the current President was murdered, then out of nowhere this amazingly handsome and skilled assassin turned up and ran for the job."

"So we run him over with a horse then?", Halifax suggested.

"No. That's too common.  If a President dies from a really common accident then everyone will just assume he's been murdered and someone has tried to make it look like an accident.  Then an amazingly handsome assassin turns up, yadda, yadda, yadda, and we all end up without any heads."

"So Something in the Middle then?"  Kytheres asked.

"Not that either. What we need...", Ma'Skd mused, "...is a death so ridiculous.  So outlandish and beyond anyone's imagination, that nobody could possibly believe someone was behind it."

"The temperature inside this apple pie is over 1000 degrees. If I squeeze it, a jet of molten bramley apple will squirt out. Could go your way; could go mine. Either way, one of us is going down."

#6 Elihu


    Boat press liaison

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Posted 16 December 2017 - 01:03 PM

*Six months later*

The town crier stood in the square. This is your big moment, he told himself. Remember that advice about public speaking you received from that sage on the mountain who kept yelling at you about how the government was controlling him through his tin foil hat.

He swallowed nervously. Could a horse really beat a shark in a race, he wondered, and how would I find that out? He made a mental note to call his father.

He cleared his throat.

‘It’s been three weeks since President Guy deGuy was ousted from power in a shock election when voters overwhelmingly elected a gigantic racist plague demon on a popular platform of ‘let’s make this city into the Thunderdome, but real-I haven’t thought this through’.

‘Today The Assassin’s Guild closed its doors in response to the development. In an official statement, a spokesperson for the guild said that ‘’nothing matters any more’’ and that they were leaving to ‘spend more time on their art’ which they said was ‘really experimental do you like it? If you don’t like it it means you don’t get it.’’

Team Evil stared at the town crier glumly.

‘What are we supposed to do now?’ said Halifax. ‘Who’s going to take us in? Why is that town crier hugging that smelly hermit?’

‘We Didn’t Even Get To Drop That Piano On President deGuy,’ said Kytheres. ‘Strange Choice Of Plan, In Retrospect.’

‘There are no bad ideas in brainstorming, Kytheres,’ snapped Halifax.

Ma’Skd sighed.

‘I think I know one place that might take us in,’ he said, ‘but you’re not going to like it.’


The head of the Adventurers Guild beamed at the new arrivals.

‘Welcome to Team Good!’ he said brightly. ‘We’re super excited to have you guys on board! Have you all signed your contracts with our glitter gel pen? Super!’

‘Umlaut!’ said Ike.

‘Ike’s right I feel dirty,’ said Halifax.

‘I need you guys to trust me,’ said Ma’Skd.

‘But we *can’t* be in Team Good,’ hissed Halifax. ‘these guys even have a rule against killing people!’

‘Yeah that’s actually a national law,’ said the head of the guild, helpfully, ‘it’s illegal to murder people - just thought I’d put that out there in case there was any confusion.’

‘Team Good is where we belong now,’ said Ma’Skd. He turned to the head of the guild. ‘Glad to be on board. How can we help?’ he said.

‘Well, as you know the role of the guild is to fight organised crime and stand up for the oppressed,’ said the head of the guild.

‘But The Oppressed Suck,’ complained Kytheres.

‘For your first mission please take this repeating crossbow and go kneecap that petty shop lifter who stole that loaf of bread from Muggins’ Department Store last week,’ said the head of Team Good.

Ma’Skd looked at Team Evil. He loaded a bolt into the crossbow. He pulled the bolt back.

‘Gentlemen,’ he said ‘Like I’ve been telling you. We’re the *good guys* now.’


*Six months later*

The Crossbow, hero of Bakaria, stared moodily into the middle distance.

‘My name is Ma’Skd,’ he said dramatically. ‘After five years as a bad guy I have returned to save my city. But to save my city I must become someone else...’ he paused dramatically ‘I must become *something* else. Today I am assisted by a new team: Tech Nerd-‘

‘I’ve Hacked A Backdoor *Into* The Hack,’ said Kytheres.


‘I thought we’d all agreed I’d be known by my alias: ‘’Orc Mouse: wanted for petty shoplifting. No time wasters.’’ ‘ said Halifax.

‘And Supportive Mentor.’

Ike put a fatherly hand on Ma’Skd’s shoulders. He nodded meaningfully.

‘Together we are... Team Crossbow!’

#7 Elihu


    Boat press liaison

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Posted 17 December 2017 - 12:57 PM

The head of the Adventurers’ Guild sighed and leaned back in his chair. It had been a long day.

‘Gentlemen,’ he said. ‘Thanks to you, crime rates are down across the city. Organised crime has been smashed. Some the biggest mafia bosses are now behind bars-‘

‘No, *you’re* welcome!’ said Halifax enthusiastically.

‘-but the other guild members and I have a few concerns that we’d like to get out in the open.’

‘You can’t spell ‘concern’ without ‘team’, Guild Leader,’ said Ma’Skd, seriously. ‘Let’s hear them.’

The other members of Team Evil had noted that since becoming a hero the assassin had become a lot more brooding and mysterious, especially while shaving.

‘Well for one thing, your case reports don’t name the criminals you’re taking on,’ said the guild head, reading though the notes and scratching his head.

‘Criminals don’t have names, Guild Leader,’ said Ma’Skd in a gravelly voice. ‘You’ll see that we’ve identified all of our rogues gallery through their titles in the criminal underworld, like ‘The Puzzle Maker,’ or ‘Colonel Nitrogen,’ or ‘Gary’s Brother Kev.’

‘Also I find that when you punch a guy in the kidneys it’s quite hard to ask him for his name,’ said Halifax.

‘Yes, that’s the other thing I wanted to talk to you about. You guys are going waaay too hard on some of these criminals. You hit one man so hard that the doctors say he’s going to spend the next six months eating from a straw!’

‘Straw Man,’ said Ma’Skd, shaking his head. ‘One of our most cunning opponents. But no match for the Dark Revenger and his League of Righteousness! That’s me, by the way. I’m the Dark Revenger. So if you could tell people in the lockers to stop taking my monogrammed towel I’d-‘

The Guild Leader waved him into silence.he pointed at another paper on his desk.

‘What about this other case? Your report says Halifax ‘hit the smuggler ‘’so hard in his boat that his bones actually crunched and it was amazing.’’ ‘

‘Ah, Captain Crunch,’ said Ma’Skd, knowingly. Ike pulled him aside and whispered something in his ear. ‘I’m sorry, I now understand that he’s since been promoted. It should read ‘Admiral Crunch.’’’

‘Also not to nit pick over a preposition but I think you’ll find that I hit him *with* his boat,’ said Halifax.

The Guild Leader groaned and ran his fingers over his face.

‘I also wanted to talk to you about Kytheres’... situation in the group,’ he said. ‘I was quite clear that we have ‘a no killing rule.’’

‘In his defence, he doesn’t actually *kill* anyone - it’s just that anyone who touches him dies instantly,’ explained Ma’Skd.

‘It’s A Curse,’ said Kytheres.

‘Could you try... not doing that instead of doing it?’ asked the Guild Leader.

Kytheres looked thoughtful. ‘Possibly,’ he said.

‘Ah, now we’re getting somewhere,’ said the Guild Leader, looking hopeful.

‘I Could Make It That Instead Of A Person Dying Instantly A Phantom Timer Would Appear Over Their Heads Counting Down The Days Until Their Inevitable Death,’ said Kytheres. ‘Every Time They Opened Their Eyes They Would See The Minutes Counting Down From Their Natural Lifespan With The Number Getting Smaller And Smaller Until It Runs Into Seconds And Then In The Last Four Minutes Of Your Life The Curse Would Play ‘The Final Countdown By Europe. Would That Be Better?’

‘So you see we’re trying to meet you halfway,’ said Ma’Skd, seriously.

#8 Masked Dave

Masked Dave

    Ultimate Lu-Tze

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Posted 19 December 2017 - 10:37 AM

After the meeting the team retreated to their secret underground laaaaaaayeeeer: The Crossbow Cavern.

Kytheres went immediately to his tablet of stone and starting scrying across the city for signs of evil, Ma'Skd took off his shirt and started beating up a dummy while Ike went to clean the weapons.

Halfiax enters the Cavern a couple of minutes later, he's carrying bags of take away food.

"Why do I always have to get lunch?" he complained,

"Because," said Ma'Skd, who was now doing pull ups dramatically, still shirtless, "you're the sidekick. The rest of us have actual jobs to do."

"Umlaut," said Ike.

"I Believe That I Have Discovered A Criminal In The Act Of Doing A Crime." Kytheres intoned, in a manner that for him was pretty sudden. Ma'Skd dropped to the ground and walked over to the ancient wizard, looking at the tablet as if he was in some way able to read the runes glowing gently on its surface.

"Umlaut?" Ike asked, looking over moodily, pausing in his sharpening of a nasty looking sword.

"There Is A Magical Alarm Being Sounded At The Museum Of Dangerously Mystical Artefacts." Kytheres was studying the runes intently.

"Ooh, those can be expensive! I bet they'll fetch a good street price." Halifax's eyes gleemed, "Erm, I mean, god damn that criminal scum, don't they understand that those are priceless cultural treasures!? AND AT CHRISTMAS!"

Ma'Skd went to his weapon rack and dramatically seized his crossbow, "Okay gang, suit up!"

"You're the only one of us not wearing clothes. When did you even take off your trousers? And don't you need to put down the crossbow in order to get dressed? Why pick it up first? That's just..." Halifax trailed off as he realised everyone was glowering at him. He sighed and muttered, "Fine, I'll just get my stuff."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu