The Last Temptation of Popeman!
Posted 08 May 2004 - 05:03 PM
"Gutten morgen", said Von Buffy, grabbing his returning disk midair.
Popeman and Altarboy stood up, surprised as everyone else.
"Holy smoking bananas, Popeman! Who is this guy?", cried Altarboy in despair.
"I'm not yet sure", said Popeman who, in fact, had no idea whatsoever who the stranger in the leather trenchcoat was.
"Ja, ja, let me get you out of herr and ve zhall zpeak ov it latter"
"Huh?", said Popeman and Altarboy simultaneously.
Von Buffy sighed.
|QUOTE ("W. B. Yeats")|
| But I, being poor, have only my dreams;|
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Posted 10 May 2004 - 12:19 AM
"So, you're not Buffy St Marie?" asked Altarboy
"Hmm, so you don't do the whole folk music thing?"
"And you've never had any hit singles?"
"Nine, wow that's pretty good going."
Von Buffy considered suicide but decided against it. It would only piss off people and he didn't fancy all the trees. Instead of killing himself he looked around.
"Vhair isa da Pope-man?"
Altarboy looked around and sure enough Popeman! had gone.
"Oh fiddlesticks. I knew we should have paid more attention to that guy who leapt out with a sack and said "Ah ha! I have Popeman! Now the evil Atheist can being his great evil plans of mischief!"
"Oh no! A sack!" said Popeman! If only the Swiss guards had been here, he thought, I could have borrowed a knife and then got out in over 20 different ways.
Posted 10 May 2004 - 01:56 AM
"Huh?", said Altarboy, really puzzled.
"Are you deaf, too? Oh isn't that sweet!", said Von Buffy, irritated.
"I meant your accent. What happened to it?"
"Um? I meant, ja, hvow come a much aklaimed herro pik somevan as idiot as you to be his sidekik?"
"Oh, that's better", replied Altarboy, reassured.
"So, vere do ve go now?"
|QUOTE ("W. B. Yeats")|
| But I, being poor, have only my dreams;|
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
Posted 10 May 2004 - 09:06 AM
"Um, iz thiz not iz secrete lair?"
"No, this his is secret school."
"Maybe there's something in the headmasters office then!"
"How do ve find it? Zis place is a maze!"
"Hmm, how do people usually find the Headmaster's office?"
"They do something naughty?"
"Yes! Quick, start a fight!"
"...they have more threads to spam whereas you have a monopoly here, lest we forget the night were you replied in every thread or 'Last Post: Masked Night' as I like to call it." - Nik (Elihu) on PCGF vs my post count.
BLOG! You know you want it.
Posted 10 May 2004 - 11:06 PM
S Club 7 filled Popeman!s ears. He wasn't a fan and it was driving him insane. He prefered Charlotte Church or Metallica. However, it did have the desired effect: he couldn't hear a word the driver of the van he was in, was saying. If you don't want to know either then do the same: put S Club 7 on really loud and tie yourself up in a sack. If however, you want to know where this incredibly fiendish plot is going then don't.
"REACH!" sang the driver as he reached down for his mobile. He speed-dialed a number and put the phone to his ear. This was illegal but being one of those criminal types he didn't care.
"I have Popeman!" he said before hanging up.
The Evil-Atheist smiled before he too dialed a number.
A man in the shadows put down the phone and chuckled to himself. He rang a bell and a shifty looking priest with a left handed gait arrived.
"I didn't not! How dare you accuse me of urinating in my casso... oh you mean the bell. Yes, I did ring. You may set the wheels in motion."
"Yes, the Pope is missing, presumed tied up in a sack. It is time for... POPE IDOL!"
The man in the shadows laughed. Infact he laughed so hard he really did tinkle.
Posted 11 May 2004 - 09:37 PM
"Brothers," said the tall, bearded man in a sing-song, mildly camp Welsh voice, "we are the power behind wales. The Seven Secret Singers from Siphyllis. Our cult has operated from these deep caves for 700 years under the strict code of Venerealism."
There were mumurs of agreement.
"A strange combination of the virtues of Christianity, the meditational aspects of Buddhism, the Atkins Diet and various explicit, bimonthly acts of bestiality."
"Aye," chanted the group.
"By trade, we are a Male Voice Choir on he Salvation Army circuit. As we all know, Evil Aetheists are abroad, and our fellow Welshmen are in dire peril. On top of that, our one source of income is shut off entirely. We must act, if only so we can buy enough condoms for next week."
"Thank you Brother Exposition," said another, leaner figure.
"Aye, Brother Anonymous Leader," said the bearded man, returning to his place in the circle.
"Popeman has been captured," cried the leaner man, "Some of the Tenors in the Evil Aethist's set up are still loyal to us... the old ways... science terms our... mating habits... as unhygenic. The Anglican Priests never had a problem with it!"
"Aye!" cried the throng.
"I and one other..."
"Oh me, oh me, oh please, oh please, oh me!"
"No, not you Brother Comedy Relief. You, Brother Laconic Killer. We must go unto the world above and save the Popeman, sacrifice ourselves if needs be for the greater good."
"Let's load up."
"Aye. He's a-quipping," said Brother Ominious Yokel, "thems aetheists better be a-watching out."
"Aye," said Brother Ominious Yokel #2.
"In our meetings," explained Brother Exposition, "every member of the circle has to fill a role defined by "Action Thrillers In Three Easy Steps" by Tom Clancy."
Posted 12 May 2004 - 11:10 AM
"Ah! If only the Swiss Guard had left me one of their knives I might haev used it to cut my infallible self free. But they haven't, so I Kant."
Popeman laughed a little at his own joke, he had resorted to making variations on the same one for the last hour. Then the van ground to a halt because it ahd hit a helicopter. Myrus' helicopter and he was not a happy bunny. He was in fact not bunny at all.
Outside the sack
"Teach your bloody drivers to.. well... DRIVE!" Myrus shouted and clambered out of the helicopter.
"Well, when PHOAR are unsucessful the stupid hulk usually does the job," the Evil Atheist sighed, "Let's grab Popeman, the man inside is ready."
"Oh good. Yes. I understand my money was spent well on the Ultimate Machine of ATHEISTIFICATION Muahahahaha. What does it do to the participant?"
"'UMA' chops off limbs until they decide they're atheist."
Posted 12 May 2004 - 01:06 PM
Two cheeky faced Geordies stood grinning in a church. One did a little dance and the other one grinned some more.
"Whyaye!" said one
"Ha-whay!" said the other, their Geordie accents hard to write.
"The Pope is missing presumed dead. That means it's time to pick a Pope!"
"Now usually this would be done by spinning a bottle, but to show that the Catholic church is hip and with "it" they've decided to do something new."
"Welcome to Pope Idol."
Cheesy choral music plays as computer generated priests do priest like things. The opening titles over we are back to the two Geordies.
"Now without further ado man, lets get on over to see the judges."
"I wanna get some stotties!"
Out of no where someone with a grudge leapt from behind a pew. He fired a paintball gun twice.
"Arggh! Arggh! Jeff man! DUUUNCAAANNN!!" said one of the Geordies.
"Oh no man! He's blind! He cannie see!" cried the other.
"Ah don't worry man. I'll go bungie-jumping soon enough."
There is cut to a blue room. Pope-Idol signs adorn the walls. At a table sit the judges. A hooded figure, an old man, a woman and a foxy-whiskered gentleman; or Simon Cowel, Pete Waterman, Nikki Cox and Nigel "Dr" Fox as they prefer to be known.
"Next!" bellowed Simon Cowel from over the top of his trousers.
In walked an ineffectual man with glasses.
"So what are you going to do for us?" asked Cowel
"Well, first I'm going to read Luke 12:1-12, then I'll denounce the crusades before giving a sermon."
"Okay, let's here it."
10 minutes later
"Well, your sermon lacked strength, your denouncement of the crusades seemed to more on the basis that they didn't wear socks then the fact that they slaughtered so many and your bible reading was adequate at best. My advice is to stick to Clergy-oke. Pete, what do you think?"
"I want to lick him."
"Well okay, but should he go through?"
"He can go through me anytime. Woof!"
In walked a man. This was Father Innocent. His very prescene made the judges sit up and take notice.
Posted 12 May 2004 - 02:06 PM
"We have to go and rescue Popeman from the Evil Atheist!" Altarboy cried.
"Can't help you there, we've decided to elect a new Pope..." began Gordon.
"But he's not a Pontiff Superhero with Infalliblally Cool Powers! He's just like the previous guys. I know Popeman's alive," Altarboy interrupted.
"Vorth a shod in my opinion!" said Von Buffy while filing his nails. The pinky nail was currently going into the top file.
"He rescued me."
"Oh. Right, well, you'll have little time - Pope Idol work quick these days. I'd be surprised if you have more than 6 months to save Popeman!!!!" Gordon resumed.
"And defeat the Evil Atheist!"
"Oh, can we have some more gadgets?"
"Well... there are the Holy Smoking Trousers!"
"What do they do?"
Posted 12 May 2004 - 08:29 PM
They had calls to make.
Posted 01 June 2004 - 10:10 PM
"Wow," said Pete
"Incredible," said Nicky
"Yer Mamma!" barked Fox, which in this case should be taken as a compliment.
Simon Cowel stroked his chin. "I can honestly say, you could well be the next Pope Innocent."
Innocent smiled before strutting out of the room.
In walked a sweet smelling priest with thick, brown curly hair."
"You are?" asked Cowel
"So you want to be..."
Posted 02 June 2004 - 09:25 AM
The emphasis, Midnight said, was on camp.
What a lurid shade of pink, all the passers-by said.
The camper van trundled to the Evil Atheist's base, where Popeman was held. Midnight cleaned his weapons and painted his face black with sheep droppings.
"The tactical situation is as follows," announced Sinclair, "we don't know where he is, who's holding him, how many men are there and how well armed they might be, an informant on the inside tells us they might have up to two hundred, well trained guards on station at anyone time. Another two hundred in the barracks."
"I like those odds," said Midnight.
Sinclair sighed, "Look, we can't do this one by the book, Midnight."
"All right. Sorry, sir."
"No more macho quips?"
"No more macho quips, sir."
"Excellent. So, we keep together, understand? I don't want to get lost in that facility."
"I understand, sir."
"Then let's go!"
Posted 08 June 2004 - 08:58 AM
"It's designed to be inconspicuos, see."
"Can you spell inconspicuous?"
"CAN YOU?!" Altarboy adjusted the seatbelt and seat for maximum pleasure and kicked the mini into action, they had to get back and rescue Popeman!!
"How ze hell do ve get to ze HQ?!"
"We follow Myrus Moonwalk's shipping and troops to wherever they are going. It's bound to turn up all at the Evil Atheist's HQ," said Altarboy spotting a suitably purple uniform that was reminiscent of a minion.
The owner of the purple uniform was however not a minion of Moonwalk or the Evil Atheist, he was infact Bob Gunn, a freelance minion captain on transfer from Herr Ubermann's HQ (for it had been razed to the ground earlier by a non-descript secret agent, some believed that lots of methane was involved) and was moving on to Lady Synthia Catherine Anne-Marie Ismeralda de la Fontville's Grande Palace of Death and Seduction (she was a famous necrophiliac) for extra training so he could be recommended as a General into someone's evil army.
His plans were ruined because he fell into an open manhole.
"Guess we'll just check that out," said Altarboy pointing at and advertisement for Myrus Moonwalk Megacorp on a sullen-looking high-storey office building with helipad and most likely several underground floors.
Posted 08 June 2004 - 08:14 PM
"Well that was fantastic," said Simon Cowel.
A head poked round the door.
"What?" asked Father Innocent a quizical look on his face.
"Fantastic. Best I've ever heard." said Cowel, the other judges nodding their approval.
"WHAT?!" roared Father Innocent. "I'm not having this."
He strode in and pulled out his Holy Sword of Catholic Power. He sliced off Pourii's head before stabbing the judges through the brain, each in turn. He beat his chest and roared.
"THE COMPETITION IS OVER. BEHOLD YOUR NEW RULER!! POPE INNOCENT THE SEXY!"
Thunder boomed and lightening flashed (however, this was just due to a storm and was not a ominous portent as the weather men had been predicting storms all day).
Posted 08 June 2004 - 10:30 PM
"You have your special equipment?"
"Those tongs with the little barbs?"
"At ze ready."
"I want to make it painful, Clutch."
"Oh ja. It vill be ver' painful."
Clutch advanced on popeman, who was strapped to a chair in the centre of the cell, in the middle of a burning pool of light. Clutch held the tongs with the little barbs (which were, in the trade, called, simply, Excrutinators) in his hands. he pressed a button with his thumb. Tiny blades on the tips spinning.
"Now zen, Herr Popeman, I haf absoluttly no intention of makink you talk, understand? All ze pain, all ze agonisink pain, vill not go away votever you tell me-"
"Even this week's lottery numbers?"
"How could you possibly know zem?"
"Dale Winton is an agent for the Vatican."
"Well, do you want them?"
"Nein. My salary is sehr gut hier. I do all mein own cleanink - I get extra."
"Do you find cleaning relaxing, then?"
"Oh, ja. After a long hard day - Nein! Do not try to sidetrack me, you Catholic swinehund! As I vos sayink! Nothink vill stop ze pain. Nothink! I am goink to make you suffer!"
At that point,the high secuirty door of the cell opened and a man shuffled through the door, a well wrapped package in his hands, "I've got something for you, Mr Clutch."
"Vot? I wanted no interruptions! Leave me to mein art! I vill -"
The security door automatically closed behind the man and he tore open the package.
"Zat is mein present! You swindhun-"
Midnight shot Clutch twice with the silenced pistol he'd pulled from the shattered package.
"Special delivery, Clutch!"
The door slid aside again.
"No quips, dammit," said Sinclair, entering the room. "Popeman! We've got to get you out of here!"
"The Evil Atheist's power grows!"
"And they've placed a puppet pope in the Vatican."
"This is getting more and more like Medieval: Total War by the second," said Popeman. "Now, help me out of here."
The Evil Atheist cackled. "I've managed to draw the cultists out. Guards seize them all!"
Suddenly alarms started ringing everywhere.
"Stella rescue lads," said Popeman, rolling his eyes.
Posted 09 June 2004 - 08:17 AM
"Well, you sponsorship sign doesn't exactly make this the best-hidden place on earth," the Evil Atheist replied switching something off.
"I have to get the money somehow."
"Nevermind. My guards will get them, nothing can stop us now!!! Mwahahahahaahahahahahahaha"
"Vere are all ze gards running to?" Von Buffy looked around, not a single man was guarding the entrance and he distinctly heard rushing footsteps going INSIDE.
"Beats me, but it's all the easier to get in," said Altarboy opening the heavy industrial door. It creaked a tiny bit open.
"Gess ve'll be needink that God-strength greaser! Ja?"
Altarboy sighed and applied.
"And now I vant to kick some bottom."
"Ass, Von Buffy, Ass."
Posted 22 June 2004 - 12:50 PM
"Take them down!" screamed Midnight, punching one down, pivotting and sweeping out the legs of another.
"For God's sake," said Sinclaire, pulling out a small capsule. He smashed it on the ground and, in a warping, blinding flash, a large, shaggy, elderly ewe appeared, "Florence! Attack!" Sinclaire yelled.
The ewe charged headlong into the guards, dismembowelling three in one sweep of it's horns.
"Ah," said Popeman, "the secret powers of the Welsh never cease to amaze."
Popeman burst into action, incapacitating three guards with Clutch's Excrutinators before they could fire of a single shot.
"The Evil Atheist is out there somewhere, you two. And I plan on getting him, right in his nest of anti-religion."
Posted 06 August 2004 - 05:21 PM
"Holy Mary, Mother of God! Popeman!" screamed Altarboy excitedly.
"Altarboy!" replied Popeman smiling.
"We have to get out of here!" said Altarboy.
"Why we can take these easy."
"Ja, I vant to get holi on der ass!" said Von Buffy.
"But Popeman! Can't you feel it?" asked Altarboy
"Your Papal Powers. You're being drained!"
"How can you tell?"
"Holy litmus paper Popeman. Look!" Altarboy pressed the paper to Popemans forhead. It turned green. "You're as powerful as an anaemic stick-insect."
Popeman shook his head in disbelief. He tried a sign of the cross. Nothing happened. He tried blessing Midnight who felt only a mild tingling in his groin. "You're right Altarboy!"
"It's this Den of Disbelief! We must fight him outside if we are to defeat him!"
"To the outside!" cried Popeman.
Unfortunately, a problem had arrisen.
Posted 25 September 2004 - 11:47 PM
"Argh! Children!" cried Popeman "What do we do?"
"What would any Catholic priest do in a situation like this?" asked Sinclaire.
However, no-one had time to answer. The children, young and full of beans, it being just after dinner, charged at them.
"Do something Altarboy!" instructed Popeman, trying not to make eye contact incase they were the children from the Village of the Damned (Llanfynydd in case you're wondering).
Altarboy didn't need asking twice. He whipped out a couple of incense burners and used them like nunchukkas. Sweet smelling incense filled the room. The children began to cough and soon no-one could see anything, what with all the smoke. Popeman and co. made there way out. When the smoke cleared the children were insensed at the incense for covering their escape.
However, things hadn't improved for Popeman. He looked around and realised he was in the Evil Atheists main lair. Popeman looked down at the ground and then back up to see the Evil Atheist standing right infront of him.
Posted 26 September 2004 - 08:38 AM
"A bit of basketball with a severed head Popeman? Ahahahahahaahahah!" the Evil Atheist laughed at the unfortunate uber(but not so for the moment)-pontiff, the head joined in. Popeman realised it was the demonic head of Baroness Thatcher.
"By the Holy Sizzling Bacon of Antioch I demand you release us! Or confront me outside," Popeman said.
"Ahahaahahaha! That would be too easy! Myrus - the show please!" the Evil Atheist signalled to a man upstairs and a televsion came on. Popeman, Altarboy and Von Buffy stared in amazement. Sinclair and Midnight were practicing punching on henchman punchbags.
It was a show promoting Atheism on TV and it was truly evil. So evil that I cannot describe its contents without making you in evil ungodly unbelievers!
"Oh my! We have to stop this!" cried Popeman kicking the Evil Atheist feebly and darting for a computer. Alas, evil atheistic henchmen (now of 38 varieties) were closing in.
(unless I screw up again)
Posted 26 September 2004 - 04:40 PM
"Stop that Pope!" he cried.
The Evil Atheistic Henchmen turned and looked at Popeman hobbling towards the console.
"What that Pope?" asked Steven Hethen.
"Yes, that Pope!" cried The Evil Athiest, clutching his pockets.
However, Popeman had made it to the console. He was confronted by two buttons. He frowned - this was getting technical. He had a choice between a red one and a slightly less red one. He pushed the red one.
The Evil Athiest laughed. "That was the Rupert Murdoch Button! Now, all Murdoch's media outlets will tell everyone of Atheism. Add to the that the fact that I was already broadcasting on terrestial TV, the whole country will no longer believe in God."
"Shut it you slag!"
"'Ave it, you slag!"
"Gan daan the Vic, you slag?!"
"Shit it, you slag!"
"Oh no! I'm depressed!"
Eastenders was in full swing. However, suddenly!
"We interupt this program to bring you important news. God doesn't not exist. Scientists, working for Athiest Corp, have proven this using a miner's lamp and a canary."
Those watching the TV, nodded in agreement. Science had all the answers.
Atheist HQ, Wales
Popeman clutched his head in horror. However, he didn't have long to be horrified. For at that moment a voice was heard.
"BWAHAHAHAHA! Evil Atheist you have done your job. The world no longer believes in God! Now, I just need to fake a miracle and they will all change their minds and the Catholic Church will be more popular than ever!"
"Oh noes!1" said Altarboy, suddenly overcome.
"Who is this?" asked Popeman.
"But I'm Pope!"
"Not any more!"
And with that The Evil Atheist was set fire to (by a robot) and deadly gas filled the room.
"Oh no! Deadly gas!" cried Popeman
"Holy Days of Obligation!" exclaimed Altarboy.
It didn't look good.
Posted 29 September 2004 - 11:24 AM
"Erm, quite. Popeman! There is only one way out!" cried Sinclair while boshing someone with an almighty fist.
"There is? We look doomed, everyone doomed!"
"But your Saintly Cassock Escape!" Sinclair cried amidst gaseous noise and the Evil Anti-Pope screaming.
"By God! Everyone, under my cassock!" Popeman shouted. Virtually everyone in the room was now coughing.
"Cosy in here," Altarboy commented.
"Very Perhapz a bit smelly?" Von Buffy noted.
"Now to activate it," said Midnight hitting Popeman hard on his knee-cap. The underneath of Popeman seemed to wobble for a second and then they smelled fresh sea air.
They also plunged into water.
(unless I screw up again)
Posted 30 September 2004 - 10:58 PM
"A swimming pool," replied Popeman, before swimming to the edge of the pool and climbing out, something which is hard to do when you've numerous people clinging onto your undergarments.
They shook themselves dry and looked around.
"Arrr matey," said someone.
The Holy Possé looked. A pirate.
"Arrr!" said someone else. Another pirate. Infact there were hundreds of pirates. Very old pirates.
"Altarboy? What's going on?" asked Popeman, trying to work out which pirate was the leader.
"Erm... I think we're on a P&O Cruise for retired Pirates."
"Is that a good thing?"
"Don't I know how to deal with pirates? Didn't Jesus have some involvement with them?"
"No, that was Pilate."
"Oh yeah. Fiddlesticks!"
Posted 29 November 2004 - 02:39 PM
"Yes, pretty sure," replied Altarboy.
"It wasn't that St Mark was Japanese was it?"
"No, he was defintely English,"
The pirates had crowded round them now and the only escape was into the sea below. Popeman didn't want to go in the sea - he didn't like getting wet and had read the Old Testament and knew why the sea was bad. "I wish Moses was here,"
"I am!" said a voice near the back.
"No, not you, the other Moses,"
"Oh right. Him!"
The pirates drew their swords, well, when I say swords I mean walking sticks and zimmer frames with razor blades on them. They were about to attack and kill Popeman, Altarboy and the rest when suddenly someone's watch bleeped.
"Arrr!" they said "It be Countdown starting!"
"Arrr!" said all the pirates together, toddling off to watch Countdown.
Popeman looked around the deserted deck and had an idea.
"To the bridge Altarboy!" he cried "This boat will take us right into the heart of the Vatican!"
"But what about the pirates?"
"Don't worry I have a plan for them. Ever seen the movie Speed, or as it was known in France - Speed?"
Posted 02 December 2004 - 10:16 AM
It was indeed ingenius.
"No. No no. Yarrr!!!!"
"Is simple laddy! Yarrr!!!"
"You're not about to say Yarmouth! Give it some wellie!"
"YARRR!!!!" Altarboy screamed.
"Good... good. Oooh, that be the Vatican. Good pilaging I say."
"You aren't goink to run ze boat aground Popeman? It'z a loong vay to ze Vatican."
"Do not worry, the Lord Almighty will guide us! And if he doesn't then we'll d*mn well get out and PUSH!"
(unless I screw up again)