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The Last Temptation of Popeman!


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#1 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 30 March 2004 - 10:26 AM

The Complete Tales Presents

Popeman in...


The Last Temptation of Popeman!

Starring

Popeman

Altarboy

Commissioner Gordon

The Evil Atheist

A Host of Others


The Vatican, Vatican City

It had been a sunny day and was a wonderful night, as always, in the Vatican City. Monks wandered the streets giving herbs and sweet meats out to passers-by. Nuns skipped gaily, singing songs and playing lutes. Sinners confessed and priests listened, incense was burnt by the barrel load and choirs sang praises to high heaven. The Pope was at that moment in the games room, playing darts. He'd just finished writing his latest sermon, his best yet, in his humble opinion and now he wanted to unwind. Suddenly, Father McKenzie burst into the room and pointed to the open bay windows.

"Your holiness! It's the sign!" he cried still pointing.

The Pope rushed over to the window and sure enough, there in the night sky, was the outline of a crucifix.

"It's the Popesign!" exclaimed the Pope, turning to look at Father McKenzie "Someone somewhere must be trying some shenanigans against members of the Catholic Church!" The Pope slammed his fist in his hand. "They must be stopped! This is a job for... Popeman!"

Father McKenzie let out a low growl before punching the palm of his hand with his fist. He walked over to the dart board and pushed the bull’s-eye. The wall span round to reveal two poles (which now meant there were three poles in the room if you included the Pope as he is in fact Pol... sorry).

"To the Vat Cave!" cried the Pope.

The Vat Cave

Popeman and Altarboy arrived in the Vat Cave in no time at all, having completed the transformation from Pontiff and Priest to Superhero and Sidekick on the way down. Altarboy ran over to the glowing red phone and picked it up. He spoke tersely and briefly, nodding occasionally before putting it down.

"Holy communion wafers Popeman! That was Commissioner Gordon of the God Squad. Apparently the Evil Atheist is on the loose and causing havoc somewhere!"
"We must go to God Squad HQ at once, Altarboy. To the Pope Mobile!"

They dived in the Pope Mobile and set off, a jet of fire screaming from the back. The Vat Cave entrance opened for them and Burning Bush, which concealed the entrance, flattened itself as the Pope-Mobile sped off towards God Squad HQ.

#2 Konstantine

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Posted 30 March 2004 - 10:44 AM

Everyone was in church, praying. Even at the God Squad HQ the mission briefing stopped whilst everyone offered their thanks.

Everyone was in worship - Except athiest-man, and his henchman: the godless goons. Sitting in their undecorated rooms, they hatched their evil plans. There was only one man in the way - one person who could thwart there otherwise perfect plans: popeman.


--------

Standing up from the offered thanks, Commisioner Gordon began to brief the holiest-of-heroes...

#3 Superpig

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Posted 30 March 2004 - 09:51 PM

Deep within the most unholy, unclenched bowels of the Myrus Moonwalk (Massive Media Mangate) Megacorp, Myrus Moonwalk shook his mojo, spun on his heel and shouted 'Oww!' Then he hit the table with his fist, and shouted 'Oww!' again, but this time with more feeling.

"No, dammit!" he shouted at his malignant minion, Moe Moolah. "We do not just accept deals from unnamed strangers requiring us to do unspecified things at some unknown point in the future! I didn't get where I am today by walking into deals with my eyes tight shut, no matter how much money it's for." He paced up and down, irritably. "How much money is it for?"

Moe checked the letter. "Lots, it says."

"Gimmie that," said Myrus, snatching the mysterious missive. He read the letter, and his eyebrows slowly went into orbit.

"Oww!" he yelled, and danced around the room.
End of line.

#4 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 31 March 2004 - 05:36 PM

"Now listen up, Popeman and listen good! I will say this only once." said Commissioner Gordon, slamming his hand down on the desk as it showed him in the Commissioners Handbook.
"Why can you only say it once?" asked Altarboy
"Because," said Commissioner Gordon in a long drawn out manner "I'm going out to lunch in twenty minutes. Now, you, Altarboy. Go and bring us some Asties."

Altarboy trudged out, leaving C. Gordon and Popeman alone.

"Now Popeman, this is big."
"How big?"
"Moses big."
"Wow that's big."
"Well quite. Now listen up. The Evil Athiest has escaped Catholic Prision."

There was a pause. Popeman and C. Gordon looked around. Popeman coughed. Altarboy burst into the room.

"Holy Communion Popeman! It's terrible!" he cried before leaving the room.

"How did he escape?" asked Popeman.
"Some form of balloon type device, as best as we can tell. But this is not the worst of the story."
"It's not?"
"No, for The Evil Atheist is currently in Wales, turning good Welsh folk into Atheists. You must stop him before it's too late!"

#5 Masked

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Posted 31 March 2004 - 06:57 PM

Meanwhile in Wales...

The Evil Atheist stood high upon a rock outside a pub in Wales.

"Now, again, who doesn't exist?"
"GOD!" cried the Welsh.
"And what is the best way to explain the mysteries of the universe?"
"Scientific theories formed on a basis of evidence gained via experimentation!" cried the Welsh.

The Evil Atheist, or Old Athey as his friends called him, grinned the grin of a grinning grinner- I mean sinner.
"Good Welshfolk! I have taught you well, and as your reward," he reached into a large brown sack, "FRESH SHEEP FOR ALL!"
"Yay!" cried the Welsh
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#6 Le Marquis De Soigneux

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Posted 31 March 2004 - 07:27 PM

The Archbishop of Chipping Sodbury approached his master, the Evil Atheist. Normally the Evil Atheist didn't associate with men of God... but well the Archbishop was C of E, and that doesn't really count.

"Ahh, Archbishop. You have arrived just in time to watch the glorious fruits of my labour."

The Archbishop looked out and saw quite a few Welshmen unashamedly engaging in acts of wanton bestiality.

"Ooh. I see you gave the sheep contraceptives as well. Nice touch."

The Evil Atheist simply smiled.

"Soon all of Great Britain and possibly even parts of France will have fallen under my cruel and merciless grip. Its only a matter of time."

"But what of PopeMan master? What if he tries to interfere again?"

"That is where you come in my loyal servant. You must go and intercept that meddling pope... and imprison him in some large and highly implausible trap. Bring me his raiments as proof."

"You want me to strip Popeman down to his underwear?"

"Yes."

"Oh... just making sure you know..."

An with that The Archbishop of Chipping Sodbury climbed into his Ford Mondeo and drove off in search of Popeman.

#7 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 02 April 2004 - 05:36 PM

However, unless his Mondeo had radar or someform of telescope, The Archbishop of Chipping Sodbury was going to have no luck in finding Popeman. Popeman and Altarboy were currently drifting slowly towards Wales in the Holy Hot Air Balloon. It glided through the sky like a balloon which was apt given that it was a balloon. Inside the basket Popeman and Altarboy sat playing Happy Families. Popeman took a card.

"Haha! I've won! You see I have Abraham, who begat Issac who inturn begat Jacob who then begat Judah who then begat Sue who begat Kieth who begat Mr Bun the Baker."
"Aw, shucks. I hate this game," said Altarboy throwing his cards down in disgust. "I want to play Buckaroo!"
"Now how many times do I have to tell you? We can't play Buckaroo in here because you get too excited and fall out. Remember that time when we were flying to Canada?"

Altarboy sulked a bit before replying with a grudging "Oh alright."

The balloon flew on.

Cardiff School of Educational Learning Type Stuff, Swansea, Wales

"...and so, we come to final part of this introduction to science, with genetics," orated The Evil Atheist, who was teaching the people of Wales the scary ways of science.

"We all are made of genes. Whether you're a man or a woman is determined by your chromosomes which are in turn made up of genes. Men are XY and women XX. Understand?"

The crowd looked confused. The Evil Atheist sighed. The conversion from Religion to Science wasn't going too well. He decided he'd have to meld the two.

"Look, in biblical terms XX was Eve, XY Adam and YYY Delilah..."

#8 Innokenti

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Posted 02 April 2004 - 11:14 PM

VatCave

C. Gordon looked at the servicing form for the Holy Hot Air Balloon and gasped... now Popeman was doomed to die for the Evil Atheistic Henchman with the Science Belt had tampered with the HHAB!

HHAB over Wales

"Holy Smoking Bush!" cried Popeman.

"We're doomed. Of course only in the immediate earthly sense you understand."

"The breaks won't work on this Atheist-tampered machine! We're going to crash into that sheep on the hill!"

"Which one!?"

"THAAAT ONE!"

The Popeman's landing was soft, but sudden. And quite sodden, for the sheep... was now guts!
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#9 Masked

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 05:53 PM

"Holy squashed sheep Popeman!"

"This gentle being has made a great sacrifice to help in the fight against Atheism, Altarboy, we must not let it be in vein!"

"Is that how you spell vein? I mean for this usage, of course."

"Altarboy, how can you think of mere literacy at a time like this. This is religion!"

"You're right Popeman, how could I have been so foolsih."

"Don't worry about it Altarboy, just keep focused and we'll get through this together."

"Gee Popeman, I love you."

"There'll be time for that later Altarboy, but for now, onwards!"
Masked Lacking my own humour, I thought I'd sponge off somebody else's.

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#10 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 08:06 PM

Popeman took one step forward but no more. He stopped, frozen. Altarboy gasped and covered his eyes. They were surrounded by sheep. Angry, drunk sheep. Sheep who had been sheared too early and now had to wear itchy fibreglass insulating material. In short these were sheep.

"Sheep!" said Popeman
"Holy mutton Fridays!" exclaimed Altarboy

Popeman turned and looked at the sheep they had squashed. He was their leader or at least the sash he had worn suggested as much.

The sheep advanced menacingly.

"What do we do Popeman?" asked Altarboyo, suddenly feeling Welsh
"Do what we do everyday. We get divine on their ass."
"When you say "Get divine on their ass" does that mean we do what the Welsh do?"

#11 Innokenti

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Posted 09 April 2004 - 10:38 PM

Popestick and Altarcup were brought into righteous action as Popeman and Altarboy began to clear a path down from the hills while further away a different mind altogether brewed.

Probably tea.

What dark shadow was this? The shadow of the Evil Atheist who, without anything better to do (for he was evil), began to work on his most cunning plan yet to stop Popeman and achieve Welsh and then World Atheism.

"hahahahaha! How will they like my... Schools Science Project Plan!!!!!!"

Behold, using bribing techniques yet unknown all children were forced into compulsory science projects to display the true power of things not of God.

Can Popeman and Altarboy escape the sheep? Will the Evil Atheist achieve scientific domination...

Yes and no because otherwise there wouldn't be much of a tale left, eh?
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#12 Konstantine

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Posted 11 April 2004 - 11:03 AM

Back in the field of DEATH

"Bah!"
"Pow"
"Poof"
"Sitoooie!"

fibre-glass coated sheep were thrown this way and that, similar to that fateful evening at the Fist Inn last year, on annual 'sheep-molestation and biscuit sunday".
As the pair circled the final sheep, it leapt into the air - it seemed that the athiest outfitted his sheep with springs.

As Alterboy was hit byshort, sharp shower of sheep popeman swung around with geriatric grace and slammed the popestick into the rabid sheep, flinging it off into the horizon:

"Shear that!" he quipped nonsensically.

"Holy Divine Grace Popeman! Those weren't any  normal sheep!"

"No, alterboy, these were athiestic sheep!"

"How the muffins do you know that, Popeman?!"

"The banners on the side of them give it away! They even have the address of the Athiestic HQ on them!"

"Do you think this is a trap, popeman? This is wales, and those are written in Latin - isn't this a bit convenient?!"

"No Alterboy - lets go ... lets see..."

#13 Superpig

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Posted 11 April 2004 - 05:36 PM

Deep within the depths of the Welsh hillside, diligent employees of the Myrus Moonwalk (Massive Media Mangate) Megacorp were preparing a rather large conference room at high speed, while from a massive video wall, the visage of Myrus Moonwalk himself looked on.

"Come on, people!" he growled through the satellite linkup. "Gotta straighten up your act and boogie down, or you'll ALL be living your lives off the wall. Our client gave strict instructions that the Sinister Subceltic Space be ready exactly half an hour from now!"

The people milled about a little faster. Myrus's presence in the room, a small robot with mounted video-camera and go-faster stripes, spun around and moonwalked across the room.

"Get those Niesche posters up! Check the angles on that pentagram! Straighten those wartime photographs out!" Myrus was beginning to get nervous; not so much from fear that the room wouldn't be ready in time, but more from the fact that he'd stood still for so long. His robot did the splits in frustration. "Any slackers will feel my cold hands and wonder if they'll ever see the sun."

------------------------------------

Back in the field of DEATH, Altarboy and Popeman were thumbing by the side of the road.

Altarboy coughed.

"You know, Popeman... I'm not sure this hitchhiking will work."

Popeman turned on his sidekick. "I have proclaimed that it will." He turned back and held his head aloof. "And I speak for God on this earth. So it will."

Altarboy sighed. "It helps if you actually proclaim it to someone. Look, all I'm saying is that the chances of someone actually driving along a road in the middle of Wales is pretty slim, when you run the numbers..."

At that moment, though, he stopped, as the sound of an approaching vehicle reached his ears. "It's... it's... a miracle!" he exclaimed. Popeman smiled wryly. "Of course it is," he said.

The local welsh yokel pulled up. "You two holy boyos looking for a ride?"

"Yes," said Popeman, "We want to get up into the hills. That's the address written on the sides of the sheep," he said to Altarboy, for the benefit of the audience.

"Well, I can only take one of you, see."

Popeman climed into the vehicle, and it drove away. Altarboy looked around for another means of transport, and his eyes fell on a theist sheep looking quizically at him. He grinned.

And thus it was that the Evil Atheist, stood some distance away with a really rather powerful telescope, saw a small pickup truck being pursued by a crazy person riding a sheep heading for the hills. "Excellent," he said. After briefly phoning for a report from Atheist HQ - which was not, as Popeman believed, beneath the Welsh Hills - he climbed into his helicopter, which took off for the location which Myrus Moonwalk's people had so carefully prepared for him.
End of line.

#14 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 11 April 2004 - 10:40 PM

Meanwhile, in a shady street in the Vatican

"Is everything going to plan?"
"Yes, the Pope has gone to Wales"
"Should we begin preperation?"
"Indeed. Do you have... the judges?"
"We do. There are but trifling details left."
"And The Innocent is all set?"
"Quite ready."
"Excellent. When shall we three meet again?"
"There's three of us? I thought there was only two."
"Oh yes, quite right, I was counting a shadow. So when shall we meet again?"
"Erm, Tuesday?"
"Very well."

Wales

"... so I said to her "Bernice" I said "Bernice, don't try to change me girl because you are playing with fire." I said "Where ever I lay my hat that is my home. Don't try to tie me down, coz she's into all that stuff you know..."

Popeman sighed. The sooner they got into the hills the better.

Meanwhile Altarboy was struggling to find the clutch on his sheep.

#15 Innokenti

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Posted 26 April 2004 - 08:10 PM

Then there was a sight for Altarboy to behold, for in front of him a drama was played out. In the fields ahead two groups were head to head across the countryside. Millions of sheep, dressed as to war were lined in a thousand ranks stretching to the horizon, amongst them strange mechanical contraptions and air-beasts. Opposite them the wolves, slightly less but sleek and ready to pounce and there, in the middle of soon-to-become no-man's land stood two lone delegations.

----

General Woolston Longtail and Generalissimo Bite-thee-jugular Volf were ingaged in a verbal argument. It seemed that the sheep had refused to provide a shipment of wool on the grounds that the wolves had violated the agreements of the 1998 Wales Country Peace and were in direct breach of Article 98 of the United Prey and Predator Directive. The wolves of course blamed it on rogue elements but Longtail was not fooled. He'd been soldier claf and sheep and he wasn't about to tolerate terrorism. Yet Volf was not prepared to make concessions and seemed determined to see a conflic arise.

----

Then Altarboy saw these things and ordered his sheep to stop. And lo it did and he witnessed the event. The delegations turned and returned to their ranks and suddenly, in the silence, as a duck quitely quacked... it begun. Sheep and wolf threw themselves against each other, the wolves darting on the flack while letting the middle lag, but the sheep were fast and vicious ripping into the wolven heart. Their machines released red-cloacked sheep stricking deep into the ranks of the enemy and flying ones released deadly loads of poo into the wolf ranks... yet there at the back a hiatus was arising for it seemed that sheep was fighting sheep! Altarboy stared hard to discover that there were wolves dressed as sheep who had infiltrated their ranks, oh the develish cunningness. It was trully a sight to behold.

----

Generalissimo Volf considered his options and after a moment gave a nod to the Leuitenant. He was about to bring a terrible weapon to bear.

----

There! The hill errupted in a shower of earth, trees and grass and giant pair of shears emerged from it, taking a high bearing it went high into the air and then began to descend into the sheep ranks. The slaughter was terrible... oh so terrible. Altarboy's sheep covered its eyes.

Then far away something new appeared and he could see in the air yellow and on earth the black and white.

Behold the UPPD! A peace-making army of Cows and Chickens descened down the valley.

"You are in direct violation of the peace treaties! Cease hostile action or we will be forced to engage you. I repeat, cease hostile action!" a chicken cried over the loudspeaker.

Altarboy blinked. He looked around. Nothing.

He decided Wales was a weird place and kicked his sheep into 1st gear.
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#16 Le Marquis De Soigneux

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Posted 26 April 2004 - 09:58 PM

Coming back to him after lots of um... relevant story, we rejoin The Archbishop of Chipping Sodberry as he drives around the streets of Wales. Fortunatley enough from his perspective, his Ford Mondeo did indeed have radar. Evil radar.

"Soon... yes... I shall find Popeman, imprison him in some implausible trap and gain the one item I desire, his hat. Then my set of Raiments will be complete and I will be able to become THE CHAOS POPE!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Then he hit a tree.

Well he is C of E. And it's a bit crap. Or something.

#17 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 03 May 2004 - 01:45 PM

The Land That Time Forgot

Wales


The Welsh yokel was still in full swing.

"So I said to our Tracey, if you think I'm putting that there you've got another thing coming. And you know what she did? She only went a bought half a pound of the bloddy things! Said, if I wasn't going to put them where she wanted, she'd have to do it herself. Since then it's been nothing but quiches, omletes, fiendishly difficult pastries and self gratifi..."

Popeman! interupted.

"Could you just let me out here?" he asked.

The yokel stopped the car.

"What here?" he asked.
"Yes, here will do nicely."

The yokel looked out of the car. A line of murderers stood by the side of the road.

"Your funeral," he said shrugging his shoulders and opening the door for Popeman.

Popeman stepped out and the car sped off. He looked at the murderers and decided he better ask for directions.

"Don't suppose any of you could direct me to the hills could you?"

The murderers started to breath heavily and crowded round Popeman. The sooner Altarboy gets here, the better he thought clutching a Jesus-Disc.

#18 Innokenti

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Posted 04 May 2004 - 09:14 AM

Altarboy put the sheep into sixth gear and sped ahead, or rather abum since the sixth gear was reverse. After a while he felt a thud, the sheep exploded and he was propelled to some feet. After careful inspection he realised they were


Popeman's Feet

"Sweet Mary Magdelen!" Popeman cried, "Altarboy, once more you prove a useful asset!"

"Erm... gnurfle?!"

"You just put sheep all over those damn murderors-may-their-soul-burn-in-hell-in-lots-of-sulphur."

"Obliged you holylyness!" Altarboy sprang to his feet and saluted.

"Now where were we... of course! That Evil Athiest is teaching kids Science!"

"Jesus!"

"We must stop him... to the School!" With that battle-cry Popeman jumped on Altarboy and they sped off into the urban depths.
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#19 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 04 May 2004 - 12:24 PM

Altarboy had begun to pant like a dog on ecstasy or 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine as he liked to call it. Popeman whipped him some with his Papal septre.

"Weren't we supposed to be going to behind the hills?" asked Altarboy gasping for breath.
"Quite you. I'm the Pope. I decide whats what. When I carry you then we can go behind the hills,"

Altarboy muttered something, he'd been hoping he could sneak a crafty smoke whilst they were behind the hills.

Popeman whipped him some more.

"I can see the school approaching!" he cried
"Jumping Jehovah Popeman!"
"Oi! In the Latin alphabet Jehovah starts with an I,"

#20 Jen

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Posted 04 May 2004 - 01:54 PM

Altarboy muttered darkly about burning Popeman!'s Indiana Jones boxset as they came up to the school fence.

"Stop Altraboy!" Popeman! cried, "Or we will not be able to take them unawares"

"Good thinking Popeman!" Altarboy replied, quietly pleased to get the geriatric superhero literally off his back.

Popeman! climbed down from Altarboy's back and sneaked towards the fence. Of course there was really no point to sneaking - the fence was made of wire and quite clearly see through. Altarboy humoured Popeman! by zigging and zagging and commando rolling with him.

"There!" Popeman! pointed at the school hall, "That's where that nefarious Evil Atheist is polluting tiny children's minds"

"Holy Hand Grenade, Popeman!" Altarboy said with anticipation, "What are we going to do?"

"I'll tell you..."

******

Atheist No. 17522 and Atheist No. 6589 were patrolling the grounds of the school. They were also very bored.

"'Ere, do you hear that noise, 6589," 17522 asked the older Atheist.

"A kind of whispering noise?" 6589 asked in reply.

"Yeah"

"Oh I shouldn't worry about that, it's probably just the wind," 6589 smiled toothlessly at the younger Atheist. He was quite surprised when the wind, otherwise known as Popeman!, rose up and bopped him on the head with his sceptre. 17522 was almost as suprised when Altarboy leapt into the air and executed a flying kick straight into his face.

When the two atheists were out for the count Popeman! and Altarboy set about removing their Atheist uniforms (sort of a pale blue with gold satin trim and frogging on the cuffs).

"Isn't amazing that we found to guards who were exactly the same as us Popeman!?" Altarboy asked.

"Ahh, the Lord works in mysterious ways, Altarboy," Popeman! nodded sagely.

"I don't know about mysterious," Altarboy muttered as they pushed the two bodies over the two foot high fence, "It's a bloody good coincidence"

"Now," Popeman! struck a pose, then apologised, "To foil evil!"

And he ran towards the school hall with Altarboy trailing along behind him.

"Who even uses frogging these days," he muttered.
---------------------------------------------------------
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#21 Innokenti

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Posted 04 May 2004 - 09:28 PM

"Sir Evil Atheist Sir!" cried atheist 34, one of the Evil Atheist's chief advisors. The Evil Atheist had just disembarked his MM Helicopter, grinned, and continued to the Evil-Mobile.

"What is it 34?"

"Our men report the sidekick Altarboy heading towards one of our Atheist Schools at around 2 o' clock on a sheep."

"On a sheep? I see... they are heading for the school... deploy the Prostitutes-Having-Oral-Atheism-Regularly Squad, or as I like to call them the PHOAR Squad, immediately!"

"Yes Evil Atheist Sir!"

"Very good 34. Ah, Mr. Moonwalk, how are the midgets doing?" and the Evil Atheist walked on Myrus falling into step...
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#22 Superpig

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Posted 05 May 2004 - 11:15 AM

"Those bloody things," growled Myrus. "I hope you know what you're doing, because there's going to be a lot of blood on the dancefloor before the night is over."

"I have every confidence in your abilities, Mr Moonwalk," said the Evil Atheist, "and also in my credit rating. And I see you've done an excellent job on my Sinister Subceltic Space..." He walked over to the large window and looked down into the room.

It was a vast display of godless beauty. Posters detailing all the evil in the world - wars, natural disasters, Bryan Adams - were spread around like wallpaper. The video wall hummed away, each screen showing an adult video channel in a massive tableau of tawdry, tantric television. In the center, Myrus had been unable to resist adding a large flashing disco floor - at no extra cost, and the symbolism wasn't bad, so the Evil Atheist let it slip - and on the disco floor, sat his grand centerpiece, making a *whirrrrrrGLOPrrr* noise. A woodchipper, being fed from above by a hopper full of screaming midgets. Myrus was right; there would be a lot of blood on that dancefloor by the end of the day.

"I've just dispatched PHOAR to collect our guests and escort them here," he told Myrus. "They should arrive shortly. So I think it is time we moved to our secure location to prepare for national broadcasting, is it not?"
End of line.

#23 Nix

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Posted 05 May 2004 - 12:58 PM

Somewhere

The vampire was following that guy for a few blocks already. He was juicy, he could see that. "Yum", he thought to himself. He's been feeding with nothing else but corn flakes and cow's blood for a few days now, and some fresh human blood would be ideal for him. Much better than drinking canned blood or drinking Real Bloody Marys down at the pub.
"Yum", he thought again.
Then, out of the blue, the guy turned around and his trench coat moved to reveal a handful of weapons.
"Blimey", the vampire thought. "Daddy always told me to stay clear from the guys in trenchcoats, but did I listen? Noooooo...". Before he could do anything, the guy had taken out his Crossbow (a crossbow that shot small crosses) and fired a few crosses to the vampire's direction.
The vampire dodged them. "In your face!" he cried, triumphantly.
A heavy tome of the Bible smacked him in the nose.
"In your faze, vampire", the guy said, in a slightly Germanian accent.
The vampire backed down. "Who are you?"
"Ich bin Johann Von Buffy", he said. "I zlay your zpecies"
"Von Buffy", the vampire thought. For some reason that name made him think of blonde cute girls and death of vampires. He cowered, turned around and decided to make a run for it.
Then a stake hit him through the back and into the heart.
"I ztaked your heart", Von Buffy said.
"I know, and it hurts you bloody arsehole!", said the vampire and vanquished.
Von Buffy gathered his crosses, his Bible, his stake and a steak the vampire had in his pocket as a snack.
"For ze dogs", he muttered. Then he sensed someone watching him.

'Um, Monsieur Von Buffy", the stranger said.
"Ja", said the hunter.
"Monsieur, I am sent here by your supervisor".
Von Buffy grinned; he hated the French and this guy's french accent was getting on his nerves. "Prove it", he said. The stranger showed him the ring with the secret mark. "Vat does my superwisor vant?", said Von Buffy.
"He fears a master vampire, Baron Vam De Pire has moved his field of actions to Rome. You are to go to the Vatican and find Popeman immediately"
"Popemann?"
"Popeman"
"Zat iz vat I said, I said Popemann"
"The extra "n" at the end is not needed", said the French guy.
"How do you know I put an extra "n" at ze end?"
"You're German"
"Ah, ja, ja..."
"Go to the Vatican. Find Popeman", said the French guy and vanished in the shadows, leaving Von Buffy alone, preparing himself to depart for Rome immediately.
QUOTE ("W. B. Yeats")
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

#24 Innokenti

Innokenti

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Posted 05 May 2004 - 01:10 PM

"Holy Smoking Bishop Popeman! There is nobody here!" Altarboy cried as they entered a classroom.

"Ah, but we have damming evidence of the infidels' work here. Look, the theory of the Big Bang AND Darwin's Damned Evolution"

"That is terrible, what can we do?!"

Popeman took a board rubber and with madness in the eyes began to frantically wipe it off. Try to wipe it off.

"Erm, Popeman... I think this stuff needs water."

"Oh. Sorry," he stopped, squirted, and continued.


---

"Well Popeman, we'd scrubbed every Evil Atheistic board in this whole school and still not found actual Atheists," said Altarboy as they walked out of the P.E. classroom where evidence of evil teaching was found.

"NO! My Holy Eyes! Who are those!?" Popeman cried as he pointed at the scantily-clad PHOAR squad.

"Naked And Sinful Women! We're surely doomed Popeman."


--- Back at the VatCave ---

Commisioner Gordon looked at the inventory, "Damn, forgot to hand out the Fidelity Stick of Much Holyness to Popeman."
Proud of Russia because we have cheaper Paracetamol
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#25 Carlisle Dave

Carlisle Dave

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Posted 08 May 2004 - 03:42 PM

"What are scantily clad ladies doing in a school?" asked Altarboy, watching them dance towards them.
"Sex education in schools. I always knew it would lead to this," said Popeman, reaching into his cassock and fumbling around.
"Can we do anything to protect ourselves from their sexy charms?"
"Now now Altarboy, you know where the Catholic Church stands on protection. No we will have to use natural methods,"
"Are we going to charge them and then pull out at the last minute?"
"Precisely."

Popeman! issued the cry of the clergy and charged. Altarboy did too. However, they hadn't gone more than a few paces when they were whisked off their feet and into the air. Suspended upside down in a net they watched a scantily clad nymph come towards them.

"What is this?" asked Altarboy struggling.
"Looks like a net." replied Popeman!
"How do you know her name?"