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A Clockwork Marple


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#76 Josh

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Posted 10 May 2005 - 12:01 PM

"HELLO EVERYBODY" said the annoying one from Friends.

"Oh, no," said Kidz, "It's a loud Bing!"

"It's OK," said Marple, "We can use him to escape!"

"What pointlessly-contrived piece of deux ex machina do you have for us today?" sighed joranj.

"His name is Chandler. Chandlers make candles which have wicks; get him to make us two candles and we'll have two wicks, and we all know that there's nothing happier than a dog with two wicks. The joy of having two wicks will make Hefe so happy that he will spontaniously explode, hopefully dropping us softly to the ground less than half a mile from wherever we need to be to advance the plot." She beamed, proudly.

----

Half an hour later, Miss Marple and her companions breathed fresh air for what seemed like the first time in months. Chuncks of splattered dog festooned the landscape. Fortunately the annoying one from Friends died when he got his head stuck in an exploding dog's spleen.

"I can't believe that worked," said Loweko.

"The more contrived the better," said joranj. "Now, where's TimePie?"

Miss Marple pulled out Mr Day's Penknife. The Temporal Crust Locator attatcment said PING.

"The Temporal Crust Locator says he's close. But the Spondaniously Assembled Army attachment is also..." There was a whir and a clank, and Miss Merple's head fell forward.

"Curses!" said joranj, "she's out of juice again. Now we'll never know what she was about to say about a spontaniously assembled army bearing rapidly down on our location. Oh, well, it probably wasn't important anyway."

----

Melvin cackled at the head of his spontaniously assembled army - he'd made it out of Lego, and while he found the faces moulded onto their cylindrical heads rather disturbing he still admired the utility of being able to pull them apart and reassemble them into more aesthetically pleasing configurations. There was nothing worse than an army constructed out of children's toys without any sense of haute coiture.

He was off to crush TimePie and at last claim the Marpleverse for his own. Too long he had been a bit-player! Too long as a henchman, existing only for a cheap laugh! Now he had a nightclub, and toughs of his own, and his own fashion label, and Miss Marple and the rest of the TCP were dead and eaten by a giant dog! All he had to do was find and kill his former master, and this world would be his at last.

He allowed himself a small evil cackle before flipping open his PDA. One the 'To Do:' list were two things:

Quote

1. Assemble army from Lego
2. Take over world

With quiet satisfaction he ticked off the first line. So hard was he concentrating he quite failed to notice the giant exploding dog in the woods nearby...
George Alagiaaaaaaargh: I lost my pecker in the siege :(

#77 Jen

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Posted 12 May 2005 - 01:16 AM

Meanwhile in a Chippie somewhere...

"Right," Jenad said, finishing her chips and gravy, "I've just about had enough of this"

"What are you going to do?" Grim asked.

"I'm going into my own mind to sort things out," Jenad said, looking around for a heavy object.

"How are you going to do that?" asked Grim in exposition mode.

"Like this," Jenad picked up a handily placed stool and, pausing alone to brace herself, brought it crashing down on her head.

"Ow," she said before sliding silently to the floor.

"Great," muttered Grim bending over to pick her up, "Now what am I supposed to do?"

One of Jenad's hands twitched and a sibilant voice said, "You will seek out Marple and Co"

"I will seek out Marple and Co," Grim said somewhat mechanically and walked out of the chip shop.

------

It was dark at first. Jenad could hear voices.

"Who'd have thought it'd be that easy to influence the Grim Reaper," one voice said.

"Very clever," another voice said, "But what are you going to do once you find Marple?"

"Kill her of course," the first voice said.

There was silence and Jenad opened her eyes to see blurred shapes above her.

"How many times have you suceeded at that?" the second voice asked.

"How many times have you suceeded at that?" the first voice countered.

"Touche," the second voice said, and then, "Hey - looks like she's coming to"

Jenad blinked her eyes groggily and found herself looking up at two familiar faces.

"Oh bloody hell," she said.

"Rise and shine, sunshine!" Timepie said gleefully, "That didn't work too well now did it?"

Masked tutted in the background as Jenad stood up.

"So - what now?" he asked, "Do you have some kind of duel?"

"Not quite," Timepie said, "I rather prefer this -"

Timepie clicked his fingers and Jenad found herself in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.

"Welcome to your forgotten memory," said the disembodied voice of Timepie, "We hope you enjoy your stay. For the purposes of plot advancement if you can make your way to the centre of the maze you'll earn yourself the chance to take a crack at me. Mind to mind. I'm rather looking forward to it"

Jenad looked around at the maze and sighed.

"In the meantime Masked and I will...borrow your body for the timebeing," Timepie said with a suggestive tone.

"I bet you I could actually get Marple with this body," Jenad heard Masked continue as she headed into the maze.

"I'll take that bet," Timepie replied, "What shall we wager?"

"Full control of this body for a night," Masked said quickly.

"I don't even want to know why you would want that but...sure, why not?" Timepie replied.

"Fantastic," Jenad muttered to herself.
---------------------------------------------------------
I lost some time once...it's always in the last place you look for it. Violent Becoming Downtown, Olympus Town

#78 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 13 May 2005 - 11:00 PM

Meanwhile

Melvin may not have noticed the dog exploding but he certainly noticed the smell of the dog meat. Having spent a large part of his life as a minion had made his nose very sensitive to the smell, as in the past he had never known when his next meal might be. It was a Pavlovian reaction, except it didn't involve bells. Or conditioning. He wandered over to it, intrigued by what could have made so much meat appear so suddenly.

Suddenly he noticed some strange things moving very slowly through the meaty pile of goo. He started backing away. He couldn't quite make out what or who they were but he was somewhat afraid. He thought about calling in some of his lego troops and was about to when he bumped into someone. He turned around and saw someone who looked remarkably like himself.

"Hello?" ventured Melvin.
"Hi," replied the familiar stranger.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Marvin,"
"Who?"
"You know, Marvin. The person who everyone confuses you with. I can't tell you the number of angry letters from Timepie I had!"

Melvin just looked at Marvin suspiciously. It was like looking into a mirror - though a slightly uglier mirror Melvin thought.

"So," he eventually said "What are you going to do?"
"Marple," replied Marvin.
"I think joranj's already beaten you to it... along with half the world's population."
"No, I mean she's behind you,"

Melving span around. Sure enough, there was joranj and Loweko lugging Marple through the meat stained woods towards him.

#79 Konstantine

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Posted 15 May 2005 - 11:36 AM

The TCP were getting closer; there wasn't much time left to sort out their dispute. Forty years of misdirected 'brown-envelope' pornography arriving through his post box; angry tax demands and 'Doll House Monthly' arriving on his doorstep every two weeks (for whatever reason) had taken the once noble Marvin and felled him to the level of his lookalike.

"We need to sort this out. Mano-mano; one-on-one; a contest of pure skill" Naturally this left only one option open to the feuding pair: rock-paper-scissors. From some invisible, other dimension battlemusic began to play as the pair lined up and began.

*Dramatic Sting* both chose paper
*Dramatic Sting* both chose scissors
*Dramatic Sting* Melvin chose rock; Marvin paper.

Timepie's old associate leapt into the air cheering as the one-time factory-worker looked on in confusion. Opening his mouth to argue, he suddenly realised he'd been shot twice, in the kneecaps, by Melvin who had then leapt into a not-so cunningly placed privet bush  to hide.

#80 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 15 May 2005 - 01:06 PM

From inside the bush (possibly Jed Bush, possibly not) Melvin smirked and pushed a button. The TCP froze in horror as out of nowhere a lorry appeared and fifty thousand boxes appeared. Then out of the truck came a man built entirely out of lego. Kidz gasped in horror of the man's square ears. The man opened a box, pulled out a clear plastic bag containing lego bricks and a set of instructions. Quickly he assembled another man just like him. He and the new man went on to assemble even more of the men. In a very short space of time (too short a space of time for the TCP to do anything worthwhile) Melvin's Lego Army was complete. Thousands of Lego men stood before the TCP.

joranj took a step forward, hoping this might be a nice Lego army. However, he knew he was wrong as he lept back in pain. "Ow!" he cried.
"What's wrong?" asked Loweko
"I stood on a brick!"

Sure enough on the ground there was a Lego brick. One of the Lego men tossed another casually down next to it. He grinned. In his bush, Melvin pressed another button. The Lego Army started breaking bits off themselves and throwing them at the TCP. The TCP ran and hid behind Marple as the Lego army began to advance.

"We're doomed!" cried Kidz, pulling a Lego horse out of his hair.
"No! Wait!" cried Loweko "Look!"

He pointed. In the distance they could see a line through the Lego army appearing, bricks flying everywhere. Just as one particularly burly Lego man, with a poor hair cut, was about to destroy the TCP his head popped off with a whirring sound. His head moved calmly through the air before being placed neatly on the ground by the robotic arm. Where the head had originally been there was now a face, with an equally bad hair cut. The face spoke.

"Now then,"

#81 Masked Dave

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Posted 16 May 2005 - 11:31 AM

Grim's combine flew towards the battlefield, with the bi-possessed Jenad riding in the back. From inside her mind TimePie and Masked could see the TCP gathered behind Jimmy's Chair while Melvin was issuing orders to a quickly reassembling Lego army.


Jenad jumped from the flying combine, using the Force to soften her landing.

"Hey, how'd you know how to do that?" asked TimePie.

"I used to be one of these Jedi guys, remember?"

"How handy."

TimePie turned to face Melvin and drew Jenad's lightsaber, "Time to die, you whinny little runt!"

A shocked silence fell over the battlefield, "What? I said runt."

TimePie made Jenad storm menacingly towards Melvin when Masked caught a glimpse of something from her peripherial vision.

"What the hell is that!?" he yelled in Jenad's voice, spinning her around and pointing with her lightsaber.

"It's the TCP," Jenad answered herself.

"No, THAT! What the hell is Marple doing here!"

"Oh, joranj brought her back as a robot love slave, didn't you know?"

Inside Jenad's brain the ghost of The Masked Writer fumed and gritted Jenad's teeth.

"NO! NO!NO!NO! IT'S NOT FAIR!! I KILLED HER GODDAMNIT! I ACTUALLY KILLED HER!"

With a war cry Jenad charged towards Robo Marple, lightsaber held forward.

"No!" yelled TimePie, spinning Jenad back around, "We're here to have my revenge on at ungrateful turd that used to be my assisstant!"

"The Hell we are!" yelled Masked and smacked TimePie hard in the jaw, sending him to the floor.
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but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#82 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 23 May 2005 - 04:24 PM

Timepie sprawled on the floor of Jenad's skull, in the region that happened to be know, strangely enough, as the clivus. "Okay," he said rubbing his jaw. "This isn't getting us anywhere,"
"What do you propose?" asked Masked.
"You take the left side, I'll take the right and we'll kill them both,"
"Wow! You really weren't an evil mastermind for nothing were you?"
"No, I did it for money."

Whilst this internal dialogue had been going on Marple and the TCP, along with Melvin had been watching in confusion. Now however, Jenad came at them, her left hand attacking Marple and the TCP, her right attacking Melvin. However, Marple and the TCP had no quarrel with Jenad and so whilst defending themselves they began to attack Melvin. Melvin, like the TCP, had no quarrel with Jenad and so whilst defending himself he started attacking the TCP.

This lead to a situation where they were all fighting in a big circle. Unfortunately it just happened to be May at the time they were fighting and they somehow managed to end up fighting this battle around a may-pole. Someone remarked that it would be more aptly named a Marpole, but they were quickly dealt with. Alas, no one dealt with Kidz, who pronounced himself to be the May Queen and started throwing flowers around.

#83 Innokenti

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Posted 23 May 2005 - 06:31 PM

"Ah! You trully are a great man" Mister Death said as the pizza, popcorn and a giant coke arrived at the harvester hovering above the action. It didn't arrive on its own of course.

"Watch it!" said God settling down next to Death and slurping on a Tango (yes, God was biased like that).

"I always wonder why it never comes to an ending. I can think of at least two previously and now this," Death suggested ingesting a rather large slice of anchovy-covered pizza.

"Well, you see, it's too much fun. Especially when you join in - I love that, add to the flavour!"

"Really? I find it quite interesting to participate you know, you didn't exactly let me have much OTHER excitement," Death said the last words with a little bitterly. The Coke helped make it sweeter.

"Hey! I invite your round for tennis, and golf sometimes."

"Ha! 'Never play God' they say - 'he always wins'. Ooh, look, did JeMaskPie just punch itself?"

"You know I'm thinking of finishing all this off to be honest finally. There are other things to do with worlds apparently, my brother's had an apocalypse you know. Trouble with a lawyer. Or an accountant. Can't remember."

"Oh really," Death nodded bringing the combine down closer to the ground and nearer the lego-men to which he shouted, "What are you standing around for?! Join in! Make it fun, USE those little yellow pieces."

He turned back to God who had divinely completed ingestion of three large pizzas.

"Any idea where I should concentrate?" God asked.

"America I'd say, some out of the way place with cowboys," Death suggested. Down below Marple and JeMaskPie had manged to grab Melvin's arms. "I've always liked pirates too though. And Indians."

"Buffalo-Shits-on-Plane type?" God threw some popcorn in his mouth. Melvin was rescued by tiny lego men who had made a saw out of the blocks which didn't cut through JeMaskPie's arms but certainly bruised them badly.

"Um no, more like Vikram or Patel"

"Oh."

Silence for a few minutes. Well, silence except for the very jolly Merry-go-round below them and the rather hip CD playing in the combine.

"You going to join in?" God asked looking at the empty popcorn box.

---

Grim strode onto the battlefield and announced his presence.

Nobody listed.
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#84 Jen

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Posted 24 May 2005 - 12:56 AM

Meanwhile in the depths of Jenad’s mind…

Jenad was fighting a continuing succession of pointless battles. She had started off running into Dark Side versions of herself, each wielding increasingly stupid weapons. Then had came the mutated monkeys that threw steaming apple pies – the filling heated to the MacDonald’s setting. Following that were strange half-pig, half-men creatures, shambling about using what appeared to be whips made out of bacon rashers as weapons.

Finishing off the last of the pig-men Jenad waited to see what would be next. She had made her way part way through the maze so far and was become more irritated with each dead end she found.

There were and awful lot of them.

Jenad felt a burst of pain as someone got in a well-aimed kick on the shins in the real world.

“Bugger this for a lark,” Jenad said, gritting her teeth, “It’s my bloody mind – I’ll use it as I please”

“They say talking to yourself is the first sign of madness, you know,” said a voice not unlike her own.

“Not another ghost,” Jenad sighed turning and finding herself staring at…herself.

“’Fraid not,” the figure said, “Just little ol’ you. I’m your unconscious mind, you know”

“Fantastic,” Jenad said with just a hint of sarcasm, “Going to be of any use?”

“Now, now,” the unconscious Jenad said, “No need for sarcasm. Actually I can be of use”

Jenad stared at herself and waited.

“Oh – you want me to help now – sorry,” the other Jenad walked up and kicked Jenad sharply in the knees.

Jenad crumpled, “What was that for?”

“This is your … WAKE UP CALL!” the other Jenad shouted and the shout echoed backwards and forwards around the labyrinth.

There was a loud cracking noise. Then nothing.

****

Jenad was on her knees. Some sort of fight seemed to be happening. She could feel her arms swinging limply.

Timepie and Masked were to busy arguing to realise they were no longer in total control of Jenad’s body. Jenad looked up and saw Grim standing over her.

“You look better,” Grim said, “Albeit marginally so”

“I have a little control back,” Jenad said standing, fighting the urge to punch Grim and see what happened if his skull was knocked off.

“Good, because the others could use a hand I think,” Grim gestured to the TCP.

“Is that really a good idea in my condition?” Jenad asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Got any better ideas?” Grim asked implacably.

Jenad sighed and shrugged.

****

“Something’s changed,” Masked said, pausing in throttling of Timepie.

“She’s got her body back!” Timepie said, leaping to his ghostly feet, “Quick – we’ll have to work together!”

“What’s it worth?” Masked said, stepping back.

“What?”

“How – much – will – you – pay - me?”

“Do you really think this is the right time for contract negotiations?”

The view out Jenad’s eyes showed the woman leaping into the fray on the side of the TCP.

“Now is the perfect time. I’ve got…whassiname…leverage”

“Oh for f-”

“Now, now – there’s a lady present”

And so Timepie and Masked began their bargaining. Oblivious to the havoc going on around Jenad and Grim.
---------------------------------------------------------
I lost some time once...it's always in the last place you look for it. Violent Becoming Downtown, Olympus Town

#85 Innokenti

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Posted 24 May 2005 - 06:57 AM

"EAT SCYTHE LEGO MAN" Grim roared. He seemed to be enjoying himself. Who wouldn't if they were cutting through a load of Lego Men who were trying to brick-up your bony feet.

Marple had turned to Melvin who had freed himself from most people's grip (Insanity failed to let go). A few cogs whirred and then joranj jumped out from behind her as he finished winding her up.

"You and me Melvin, let's take this outside," she shouted at him an her eyes narrowed precisely 22 clicks. This had the effect that she could no longer see so she opened her eyes wide which frightened the dancing Kidz.

Melvin looked around, "We are outside!"

"That's never stopped me going futher out!"

Melvin shook his head and just ordered more Lego Men forward. And there were a lot of them.

"HAHAH! There is nothing HERE LOOK" Death opened his robe just a little so that the swarming lego men could see that very little was there. One of them propelled a Death Star into his rib cage. In return Jenad fried a mini Darth Vader.

"Oi! Death, stop that"
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#86 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 22 July 2005 - 08:59 PM

Marple realised it was now or never. Melvin was busy ordering his army to attack, which as he didn't speak Danish was harder than he first thought. Marple unscrewed her leg and  gripped it in both her hands.

"Marple!" cried joranj "Don't get giddy! What are you doing?!"
"Using the one thing that always destroys Lego - adult feet. Hamatyou!" she cried and thrust her foot into the nearest Lego-man who promptly exploded.

Meanwhile Kidz clashed some finger cymbals together before doing a spin.

Then Marple struck Melvin. In the face with her foot which sent him staggering back. Melvin let out a howl of pain as stepped on a piece of Lego before falling on the floor. Marple put her foot to his throat.

"Please!" cried Melvin "Please! Don't!"

Marple raised the foot and was about to thrust before joranj grabbed her arm.

"Marple. No - we're not like that."
"I never got to kill Timepie," said Marple "Now I'm dead. I want... I want..."
"A Viscount?" asked Jan licking his lips.
"A return," said Marple
"Marple!" shouted joranj "If you love me, you'll put that leg down,"

Marple winced. Torn between the man she loved and murder. It was a hard choice - a hard choice for any woman (which is why so many often combined the two.) Luckily for Marple at that moment Jenad collapsed to the floor.

#87 Innokenti

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Posted 22 July 2005 - 09:07 PM

"Oh bollocks," Death said from behind a swarm of lego men. They had covered almost all of him and discovered they could do nothing. Except chip a little bone and try tear cloth. Death realised that he didn't technically have any. Bollocks. "Um, excuse me, could somebody possibly wave a foot over here?" he called out. Nobody listened. They all crowded around Jenad. "ANYONE?" A lego man just bashed Grim on the nose area.

Jan hoiked a foot up and waved and went back to Jenad.

Death sighed, "So embarassing."
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#88 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 22 July 2005 - 09:14 PM

"I can save her," said Melvin, still on the floor.
"You?" said Marple incredulous.
"Yes, I know exactly what's wrong. Just spare me and I'll help,"

Marple looked from Jenad to Melvin and back again. Then she looked at joranj. He nodded.

"Very well. What do we have to do?" Marple asked Melvin.
"Well only I can help her. I just need to get something from... over there." He pointed to his car.
"Fine," said Marple "Be quick."

Melvin rushed off. The last thing that anyone ever heard of him was him going "Tee hee hee!"

#89 Masked Dave

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Posted 22 July 2005 - 09:24 PM

TimePie slumped down onto Jenad's brain, "Look what you did! Melvin's run off!"

"How is that my fault?" panted Masked, equally exhausted from their brawl.

"You didn't let me kill him."

"Wouldn't he have run off if we'd tried?"

"Well yes, but we could have chased him,"

"Why aren't you trying to chase him?"

"I'm knackered... and," he gulped looking up,

"And what?"

"Jan's sitting on our legs."

"What? Why's he doing that?"

Masked turned to look out the window of Jenad's head, most usually referred to as her eyes, and saw the ample proportions of the Fat Man himself, partially obscured by the much more distrubing sight of the up close faces of Robo-Marp and her necrophiliac of a husband.

"I think we've been rumbled."
"It's amazing how deep we had to drill to find our key difference,
but it seems that whilst I am Amazing you are Ultimate."- Lu

#90 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 23 July 2005 - 04:15 PM

Meanwhile, outside of Jen's head

"So what do we do?" asked Loweko
"I say we poke her eyes out," said Pinky "That way we can get at them inside her head,"
"We're not poking her eyes out," said Marple
"But she won't need them,"
"She'll need them to see,"
"You get dogs to do that for you," said Pinky, sharpening his pencil.

Marple looked at him and shook her head. Pink shrugged and murmured an apology.

"No," said joranj, feeling Jen's head and checking her pulses (which turned out to be okay - peas are remarkably resiliant) "What we need is an exorcist!"
"Anyone know someone good at removing devils?" asked Jan, hoping everyone would say no so he could try out what he'd learnt at night-school.

Unfortunately, Marple knew someone. Even more unfortunately it was the last person that anyone expected.

#91 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 18 September 2005 - 12:21 PM

Everyone was sitting on the ground waiting for Marple's contact to arrive. Marple had assured everyone that there was no rush to exorcise Jen, which disappointed Kidz who had mis-heard Marple and ordered a tread-mill from Argos. However, everyone raised their heads at the sound of an approaching demonic howl in the distance. Then a car back fired and the Dark Ford Fiesta of the Undead arrived. The Dark Reincarnation of Lord Clive Jukebox of Woking got out.

"OKAY! WHERE ARE THE BABIES THAT NEED EATING? COME ON! I'M A BUSY HARBINGER OF DOOM AND DREAD AND I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY!"

Then he spotted Marple, the TCP and Jen convulsing on the ground.

"OH BUGGERATION!"

#92 Carlisle Dave

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Posted 30 January 2006 - 09:12 PM

Months later

"So, we've dealt with the whole Jedi thing," began the psychiatrist "and the fact that you apparently saw a lego army fighting a clockwork woman,"

On the couch Jenad nodded. Her therapy, paid for by Marple, was going well she thought.

"Now, what about this exorcism?"
"Exorcism?" asked Jenad, quizzically.
"The exorcism that I was told you underwent at the hands of some zombified peer of the realm who apparently stood around chanting them "The power of Clive compels you!" whilst sticking a vacuum cleaner up your nose,"
"I don't remember that,"
"Okay, well what about the fact that after your supposed exorcism, reports of hauntings on evil megolomaniac volcanic island bases went up and that there have been many reports of ghosts complaining that someone is shooting at them but constantly missing?"
"Has someone spiked the water around here or something?" asked Jenad, bemused at the question.
"You're telling me you don't actually remember?"
"No,"
"Well that's brilliant!" beamed the psychiatrist "Congratulations, you've just repressed a memory!"
"I have? What memory?" asked Jenad leaping up off the couch a smile on her face.

The psychiatrist looked at Jenad before bursting into a smile.

"Awww, you!" she said playfully. Jenad chuckled for the first time in months. "C'mon, chocolate milk shakes on Miss Marple!"
"Hooray!"

Far away

The alarm for "Inappropriate use of the TCP credit-card" alarm started to sound but no one cared. They'd all gone back to their day jobs and the only two people who were in the cave to notice the alarm were oblivious to everything but themselves.

"I love you joranj," said Marple
"I love you too joranj," said joranj.

They kissed each other and then joranj flipped a switch and turned the light on Marple's head off.

The End